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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

If one more person says to me...................................................

32 replies

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 10:01

"oohh your dd is very quiet isnt she?" I will literally chin em!

Why is it made to sound like a bad thing or am i just hormanal/paranoid/overly sensitive?

I feel like i have to justify the fact that she's a quiet girl when in actual fact its not a negative thing in any way. She is a good, well behaved, polite, affectionate, gorgeous little bunchkin who, yes, is quite in groups of other children and doesnt put herself forwards. But i cannot and will not force her to be anything other than she is.

She definitely isnt quiet at home and so, yes, she probably is a shy girl (not that we ever use that term infront of her). But she is our perfect little girl and I am gradually getting more and more narked at people's reactions to her.

One mum at pre-school last week commented "oh yes, yours is quite quiet isnt she?" HOW THE HELL DOES SHE KNOW WHAT SHE'S LIKE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, rant over for now while i go and grab a chocolate bar!!!!

OP posts:

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2006 10:02

tell em its the quiet ones you need to watch

cathyspam · 16/01/2006 10:04

Every child has their own personality and I am sure others wouldn't like it if you said about their DD 'oh she is loud isnt she?'. Nothing wrong with being quiet or shy IMO.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 10:07

Difference is cathy, I wouldnt feel it necessary to pass comment on a child that i dont know. Its the way they tilt their heads, as if they feel sorry for me or something.

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cathyspam · 16/01/2006 10:16

thats what makes you a better person Mandymoo! Just laugh off their ignorance (easier said than done I know!}

Original poster

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 10:21

I know i should just ignore them but whenever i pick dd up from pre-school i get a comment like this and its beginning to get on my nerves - i wish i could just say something that will politely indicate that i wish them to shut up!

OP posts:

blueshoes · 16/01/2006 10:23

Mandymoo, I know what you mean about the tilt in the head. Why do people comment if inside, they might have already have made a certain value judgment which they are not saying? I think as parents, we know too well where our children's strengths and weaknesses lie. And, in my case, where a weakness (like shyness in groups) coincides with something we have always not liked in ourselves, we become extra sensitised to it. That's just me, though

Still waters run deep. Your dd sounds lovely.

Wallace · 16/01/2006 10:23

I know how you feel! My dd also picks up on being called shy, and now thinks of herself as "shy"

Original poster

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 10:28

Blue shoes - you are right - I was very shy as a child and DH is quite "shy" as an adult. It can be hard at times to get her to come out of herself even around our extended family. I have no problem with her being "quiet", but i just find it amazing that other mums and pre-school staff find it a negative trait.

My mum and dad always used to tell people i was shy as a child and i grew up believing i was when in actual fact i just needed time to feel comfortable in group situations. I am adamant that dd will not be labelled as shy (to the point where we even have to tell grandparents not to call her shy).

It seems to that these days unless you're kid is similar to an obnoxious stage school wannabe then there is no hope for them

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cathyspam · 16/01/2006 10:31

I would rather my kids were 'shy' than obnoxious any day! I was a fairly confident child and not quiet but hate obnoxiousness (spelling?)

beejay · 16/01/2006 10:38

People often say that about my dd too... it irritates me because not everyone in the world can be an extrovert-- and it would be a nightmare if they were!

My mum was so shy as a child she used to hide under the kitchen table if anyone who wasn't family came to the house. She ended up being a high-flying exec and gave numerous public speeches and tv interviews.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 10:46

Thanks for all your positive replies - why cant you guys be the mums at dd's pre-school!!

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blueshoes · 16/01/2006 10:51

Absolutely, Mandymoo, agree that labelling can be self-fulfilling, and killer for self-esteem. You are right to get annoyed.

Not all children can be the big-mouths you see on Big Brother - nor would we want them to be, thank goodness. There is a place for thoughtful people and considered opinions. But the extroverts grab the limelight in this ghastly age.

ntt · 16/01/2006 10:53

How annoying!! Next time this happens, why don't you put them on the spot and say "What do you mean?" then they'll have to explain - then you can say "so?" or something and hopefully they'll feel uncomfortable enough to think about what they say in future,

TinyGang · 16/01/2006 10:55

I was described constantly as 'shy' at school.
I'm not shy actually - just reserved and not gobby. Apparantly that means you're shy in a classroom situation. Label duly slapped on. My mum used to get really annoyed about it.

I take a while to weigh situations and people up and think a bit before opening my mouth. Irritating though isn't it? 'Shy' makes you sound like a simpering little wallflower. What utter rubbish - don't let her beleive it for a minute and just say airliy 'I hadn't noticed that actually!' to anyone with an 'opinion'.

Makes me mad too, can you tell?!

fireflyfairy2 · 16/01/2006 11:00

Id say "Yes, I'm glad she's not loud and obnoxious, I'd hate that"

blueshoes · 16/01/2006 11:03

Totally agree, TinyGang. Like your comeback - it is true, Mandymoo, your dd is not shy at home. Also, agree that being reserved and considered before opening one's mouth is mistaken for shyness. Seems that we are expected to move our lips before we engage our brains - meet so many of those sorts at work!

Original poster

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 11:08

Thanks guys!! To me, she is perfect the way she is.

However, as someone has said, its the children who are doing somersaults around the room who seem to be the "popular" children and the ones, like my dd, who sit well behaved, waits their turn and dont say boo to a goose who get overlooked.

I just hope she doesnt lose out in the future because a teacher or someone labels her as "shy" and therefore not worth of attention - and DH is a teacher and i know this can happen!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 11:09

Not by DH i hasten to add but just in education in general!!!!

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Original poster

Mandymoo · 16/01/2006 11:10

Tiny Gang - i will definitely use that come back line - brilliant!!

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beatie · 16/01/2006 11:21

I can sympathise MM. I get similar comments made about my dd - with the same air of concern in their voice when they feel like they have a right to pass such a comment.

I don't want DD to be labelled shy either and it's amazing how many people do that. We all know being shy is thought of as a negative trait in yet it seems to be acceptable for other people to call your child quiet or shy when it's not acceptable for people to openly label a child stupid or immature or obnoxious or mean-spirited.

I too was shy in school and large group situations and once I'd been labelled it, I lived it. "I can't do that I'm shy"

I'd be so sad if that happened to dd.

DH's extended family actually have annoyance in their voice when they say "she's shy" sadly they have written her off because they feel they have to give so much to get a little back from her! As if her purpose on this earth is to entertain them!

I sometimes think people say "Oh she's shy" so as to put the onus on the child, worried that people might think they've caused a child to retract from them.

I too wish I had a line I could say that would make people stop and think each time I hear these negative comments about DD.

milward · 16/01/2006 11:32

Annoys me as well - some times people can be so thoughtless.

TinyGang · 16/01/2006 12:11

Yes, do watch out she doesn't get submerged at school, labelled as 'shy' and comes to believe it.

I was lucky in that my parents would never let me buy into it for a second. Nor would they allow anyone else say that about me. My mother stomped back from many parents evenings having put yet another teacher straight.

I can't say that school was the greatest experience of my life because so much of it seemed to hinge on who could bellow the loudest. Now and again I came into contact with a teacher who did not react to the crowd en masse and they always brought out the best in me. I'm afraid it's left me a little cynical about school in general but fully appreciative of the occasional rare and true teacher that pops up from time to time.

So much of the world now seems to value the baying crowd and I so hate it. I hate it because imo it devalues what is being said. It is also very often just a front to cover up a load of old cobblers.

I watched wonderful Alan Bennett again on tv last night. What a wonderful considered thinker he is. Humerous, dry, witty and none of it shouted. I wonder if he was ever thought of as shy..

Celia2 · 16/01/2006 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wallace · 16/01/2006 14:00

Good one

When somebody calls dd shy I tell them that she isn't, and that she will talk to them when she is ready. Sometimes I feel like saying "She isn't shy - just choosy about who she talks to!"

mumfor1sttime · 16/01/2006 14:24

Oh I hate this too. I was a very quiet girl, and all my school reports say 'x is very quiet, polite, etc girl who needs to take part in discussions etc'

I hated the way that being quiet was seen as a negative thing!

This really did my head in and made me feel even less confident! I am now a changed woman - I say how I feel and speak up to anyone!

I do worry sometimes that ds will be 'labelled' as quiet or shy. I will remember these tips!

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