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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Weird one about sharing

18 replies

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 11:53

Right, but of a weird question about 'sharing'.

DS (3.3) is slightly obsessed about 'sharing' my or DH's food / drinks. Much as I certainly don't mind letting him have a little of what we're having , he gets cross if I won't actually share it 50/50.

Now, we're eating the same thing mostly, certainly at mealtimes at home it's all the same food. He just expects to eat his own food and then have half of mine, and if he's there half of dh's too. in fact he doesn't even normally bother eating much of his own food - he just wants to share ours.

I don't want to discourage sharing (although he isn't actually doing any sharing, it's just sharing ours, but I don't want to 'set a bad example' by not sharing). But equally I don't want to give away half of all my meals!

Sorry, I'm not explaining this very clearly at all!

I just don't know how to explain it to him. I've tried saying he can try a bit of ours and he just keeps asking 'are we sharing?'

Any tips as to how to deal with it? Mealtimes are getting to be a bit of a drag because he won't eat his own food and he gets cross if I'm eating mine without 'sharing' it all. I've also tried saying that he can share a little bit at the end if he's finished all his food but he eats his own food so darn slowly.

Help!

And apologies for the inevitable typos, my phone won't let me review the first post of a thread.

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barbie1 · 10/01/2012 12:01

My 22 month old dd has started to do this, I put a very small amount on her own plate and the rest of her portion on mine. That way she is only actually eating her own portion iyswim? No idea if this is the right way to go about it but for now I'm just happy she is eating and I still get to eat my meal too!

Seeline · 10/01/2012 12:03

I'd ask to share some of his too - he needs to learn it's a two way thing. Try sharing other things too - toys, books etc so he learns that sharing is about give and take, and not necessarily something only he 'gets'. Sharing a book or some time together is 'sharing' too. For meal time say yes, he can share, but expalin that he can have a spoonful or whatever, but that is it - Mummy and Daddy have to eat properly too.

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 12:05

I sort of considered doing that but I really want to nip it in the bud sort of thing. I think it might just be another mealtime procrastination technique! We've been having issues also with how slowly he eats his own meals as well. And he needs to learn that all the food on the table isn't fair game for him

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Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 12:08

Seeline that's exactly what I have said to him! We've tried asking if he'll share his too (no). DH tried 'swapping' a bit of sandwich when they had different flavours (meltdown because daddy ate his sandwich). I've also explained that he can try a little but but it's our food too and we need to eat too. Whatever I say his response is 'are we sharing'

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Seeline · 10/01/2012 12:12

Well the response to that Biscuits is 'No'!!
Explain that sharing involves give and take to both parties.
Don't let him share yours if he won't share his - it may cause hassle at the time, but I'm sure he will catch on. In any case, eating half of someone else's dinner is not sharing - it's being greedy!! I think you're going to have to toughen up a bit!

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 12:18

I think you're right!! I do try to be pretty tough about it and don't let him share if he's not eaten his but it just seems to take over the whole meal! I just get fe up of nagging him.

I think maybe my answer has to be that he can 'try' ours if it's a meal, or we can share it for example if we're out for a cake. But then he gets his dinner and that's he end of it.

And when he procrastinates and takes bloody ages to eat it (another ongoing issue) then he gets a set time and then it gets taken away.

Grrrrrr (does that sound tough?)

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Seeline · 10/01/2012 12:23

I know how hard food issues are - my DD was a really fussy eater (she's 7 now and slowly improving!!) You do need to be tough, but try not to make an issue over things. BUT do stick to the same routine each time or your DS won't know what's going on. Maybe another idea - if you've all got the same thing there really is no need to share. Only go down the share route if you've got something different? Good luck.

mrspepperpotty · 10/01/2012 12:30

OP, I have never experienced this particular issue (ie calling it sharing), but I can certainly confirm that food always tastes better off Mummy or Daddy's plate than a toddler's own plate, even when it's exactly the same food!

I think there are 2 separate issues here:

Table manners, ie it is rude to eat off someone else's plate
'Sharing' in general and what it means.

In terms of table manners, my aim for a 3yo is that they eat a good healthy balanced diet - for me this is much more important at that age than table manners (my MIL would not agree with me!!). I am now starting to be stricter over table manners with my 4yo as I think she is old enough to learn to behave nicely at the table. So personally I would assume this is a passing phase and I would not object to a 3yo DC eating off my plate. Obviously this is a personal decision for you to make - but I do think this is relatively harmless compared to, say, throwing food or being a very fussy eater.

As for the sharing thing, of course he has to learn that you can't expect other people to share their stuff with you if you won't share with them. Is he generally good at sharing, eg sharing his toys with other children? If this isn't a problem then I would tend to be relaxed over the meals thing for the reasons given above. I expect he's using the word sharing when really he just wants to eat your food. However, if he is a poor sharer and can't bear to take turns with other children then I think you do need to be tougher on this - as part of a more general campaign to teach him about sharing.

AllDirections · 10/01/2012 12:34

Put all the food in bowls/on plates in the middle of the table and you can all share the food from these.

Food that is on your own plate does not need to be shared. I can imagine your DS wanting to share his friend's lunches when he starts school. They won't like that and he wouldn't be allowed anyway. He needs to learn that what his on his plate is for him to eat and that other people have the right to eat their own food too.

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 12:50

Eventually he is a good sharer I think at other things (or a least from what I've seen).

And I am aware of the point about sharing at school - this I why I want to crack down on it now. But he does go to nursery and I don't think he's tried it on there!

I wouldn't mind so much him eating off my plate but he doesn't eat his own identical food so I think it's just all wrapped up in the general procrastination of mealtimes which I am trying to be tough on at the moment. Probably easier to go through the pain of solving both issues at once I guess!

3yos are hard work! I'm so fed up of hearing myself saying no all the time

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TheSecondComing · 10/01/2012 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 13:37

He's not really greedy or sharing.

He's a slow eater - not 'fussy', just slow and not really that bothered about food generally. But equally he's not really sharing as its just 'taking'.

I think it's just a sort of phase of the novelty of having someone else's food. And probably made worse by grandparents who think he's 'cute' when he's eating their dinner sharing.

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Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 13:41

Well, one of us has just learned a lesson about sharing - shared my meatball panini and got a spicy bit.

Naturally this was after he'd eaten his own sandwich . So far so good for this meal at least

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Harecare · 10/01/2012 13:49

As a general rule people don't share dinner. Meals are for each person individually. Should you wish to try something different you can ask someone, if they say no then you can offer to swap something, but if the answer is still no then that is fine. Sweets and treats are often for sharing, just because they are eaten too, they are not the same as meals at the table.
If you keep this as your policy you are teaching him how to behave in other settings too.

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 13:53

That's generally been the principle that we've been trying to work with - but it's easier said than done to stick rigidly to the rules when you just want him to finish his meal!

But you're right that I want to teach him the 'right' answer. You know that you wouldn't share if you've all got the same thing, but you might try someone else's food (ie a family member) if your got different things - but then that's like a mouthful.

It's just hard because no matter how many time I say it he still seems to want to eat half of ours.

He is currently sharing his bag of apple slices with me very nicely though

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Harecare · 10/01/2012 14:45

What he wants and what he gets are allowed to be 2 different things. I always think asking again once the answer has been no with just cause is bad behaviour. I sometimes have to remind DDs of this "if you ask me again I shall... take yours away, begin to get cross, impose some sort of consequence, whatever". Under no circumstances do I go back on my word if I have said no with good cause otherwise you end up with children who nag all the time as it works. I am such a hard faced cow firm and consistent mother that I usually only have to say "why are you asking when I have already said no?" to end the conversation.
If you want to give an incentive you can put a small amount of your dinner (mouthful) to one side and state that if he's still hungry after eating his own he can have that. If he doesn't finish his meal it's not the end of the world, he may just not be hungry.

3rdnparty · 10/01/2012 14:58

my ds did the food procrastination thing to - I sympathise was v annoying-drove me mad and caused stress until in the end I just took his plate away after I think 40mins no fussing, just took it - sometimes would put it in the fridge and if he said he was hungry later just got it out...

othertimes would just carry more healthy snacks with me so if he said he was hungry could have a piece of fruit....it did stop eventually and he's ok eater now but now more likley to talk non stop than eat unless starving....

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/01/2012 18:14

Harecare I too am generally good at sticking to my word - I never go back if I've already said no - but I do like your 'why are you still asking if I've already said no' line - I might steal that .

I think I'm along the right lines I just need to stick with it - I've normally got results by now with my 'firm and consistent' approach - just must need to stick with it a bit more.

I need to be consistent and firm on that matter and the time taken to mess about with his dinner. I forget who said it doesn't matter of he doesn't finish it - I quite agree - if he was hungry he'd have tucked in a bit better / quicker so I don't really mind as long as he's eaten as much as he wants and he's snacking on healthy things in between if need be (he's not normally one for snacking though).

Consistency consistency consistency. That's my buzzword!

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