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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My dd (age 5) won't do ANYthing until she's shouted at.

22 replies

PennyLess · 15/01/2006 17:58

Strangely, dd is a sweet, obliging little person with a delightful personality.
I say strangely because she is just SO annoying - she won't do anything until I yell at her. She takes an eternity to dress in the mornings - I could give her 10 hours or 10 mins, it wouldn't matter, she still wouldn't get her act together until shouted at. Same story with breakfast, teeth, coat on - everything. It is quite extraordinary. She doesn't refuse to do things. It's just like she forgets...

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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charliecat · 15/01/2006 18:01

Would she remebr if you started going out without shoes on/hair brushed etc? Mine do!

Original poster

PennyLess · 15/01/2006 18:04

I couldn't let her go into school like that, so ultimately I would be the one to have to do it - and there are three of them (she's in the middle - the 3-yr-old takes up most of my energy)who I have to have out of the house by 8.15 so I just can't see that that woul dwork at all.

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Original poster

PennyLess · 15/01/2006 18:05

Also... although the temptation is huge, I just don't think that sending her to school on b'fast is a good idea, not least because I don't think the effects (eg dizziness or whatever) would necessarily be easy for her to associate with her own actions ie no food.

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Meanoldmummy · 15/01/2006 18:16

Is it defiance? Or is she just a bit scatty? Sometimes very bright/imaginative kids just don't get it - they don't live life at the same pace as other people. It can be infuriating. I don't know what you do except get down to her level and talk into her face really calmly and insistently, maybe stand there and gently repeat the command a few times until she actually does it?

Socci · 15/01/2006 18:17

Message withdrawn

collision · 15/01/2006 18:20

Why not try my alterego idea from the thread in behaviour about alter-egos? worth a try.

Pinotmum · 15/01/2006 18:20

Oh yes I have one of these She hears the request and looks like she about to do it and then gets distracted or starts talking about something. She can't talk and dress herself so everything grinds to a halt. Every morning I am sying "we'll be going through the office" (this is for late arrivals to the school). We haven't been late yet but ... I try to ensure she focuses on the task - I even say XXX focus darling, we're getting our shoes on, coat or whatever. She is bright but trying

Meanoldmummy · 15/01/2006 18:22

Think scatty professor...Oxford is full of people who are terrifyingly knowledgeable about medieval Ireland, or the life cycle of the butterfly...but can't tie their own shoe laces!!!

Aloha · 15/01/2006 18:48

Agree, get down to her level, make sure she is listening, then explain what she needs to do. Give physical prompts, and also make sure she needs to know what to do in what order. Maybe you could make a chart together showing how her mornings should go - ie get up, get dressed (which clothes in which order), breakfast etc etc - with pictures. I really identify with your dd actually. I am a sit on the bed and stare into space sort of person. Was always late for school and work and now work for myself at home, which suits me FAR better. I just sort of grind to a halt every now and again.

Aloha · 15/01/2006 18:49

I think short term deadlines work much better for me than long term ones. So for your dd, maybe using a cooking timer for different segments of the day would help - clothes, breakfast, getting bag, etc

Meanoldmummy · 15/01/2006 18:54

I was a dreamer...had to be physically poked though life until I got to university and then just sort of muddled through.. not much better now really. Maybe try little rewards for doing things without being reminded?

Earlybird · 15/01/2006 19:01

Sympathy, but no solution.

Recently I said quite loudly to dd (who's not quite 5), "I've asked you to do this 4 times, so please get on with it now!" She looked at me calmly and replied "you've only asked me 3 times mummy!" Must admit, it made me smile because she was right, and I had exaggerated slightly....though it didn't help the issue at hand!

Original poster

PennyLess · 15/01/2006 19:07

You are all so right. She certainly has a wonderful imagination (far more so than her big brother) and I think she is simply unable to focus.
The really interesting thing, though, is that her teacher says she stands out in the class as a child who, when given a list of tasks, works out how she is going to do it, then gets them all done - as opposed to needing guidance along the way.
What you say makes sense, but the logistics are stressful, as the house is big, and, to take an example, if I take ds2 (3 yrs) to do his teeth, get his coat on, I am a very long way away from her, still sitting at the table, so continued encouragement is simple not possible.
The timer idea, yes, in theory, and I've done that, but all that happens is that it goes off and time's up and we're still sitting firmly at square one.
Hmmm...

OP posts:

Aloha · 15/01/2006 19:10

What about the list? Make it together as a big poster - she can illustrate etc, then pin it up in her room?

Original poster

PennyLess · 15/01/2006 19:25

Just read the alter-ego thread - I think she'd probably go for that if I am clever enough to pick a character she'll respond to. Not sure I have the presence of mind at that point in the day tho!! I shall let you know!

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frogs · 15/01/2006 19:25

Dd1 was like this for ages. I'd tell her six times to put her socks on, then ten minutes later I'd find her standing outside the bathroom, sockless, staring at the light switch in a trance. One very sweet Y1 teacher did tell me that faffiness in little children is a sign of intelligence(!), as their minds are on higher things. Shouting was of limited use for us, as she just used to go into frozen rabbit mode.

It does get better (eventually), but it is incredibly annoying. And they need to get over it before they start getting into trouble at school. A list helped for us -- v. detailed, with a schedule of times and tasks to be achieved. And a nice big clock and/or a kitchen timer, so they have an idea of how much time is left before said task needs to be completed.

I read a fantastic idea on here once from somebody who'd got her children to record a 'getting ready in the morning' tape, with different songs for each activity, timed with the appropriate intervals, and interspersed with spoken instructions. So all she had to do was to turn the tape on in the morning and the children could follow along with it. I never got around to that level of creativity, but it did sound like a truly genius idea.

Original poster

PennyLess · 15/01/2006 20:01

What a completely fantastic idea. She would really buy into that. And it would be gentle prodding to refocus her, in a way that she herself was able to create.

Brilliant!

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JennyLee · 02/02/2006 14:23

My son did that and I used to shout and think he was so rude and cheeky and not understand why, turns out he had glue ear, and could not hear very well with no obvious sore ears or anything, just a thought...

and boy did I feel guilty when I found out

singersgirl · 02/02/2006 14:31

Both mine are faffers (but so are DH and I). DS2 (4.5) sometimes responds to a simple "Socks on by a count of 10" sort of thing. Or the reverse psychology-ish "I know you'll never be able to get yourself dressed by the time I'm ready."

These aren't foolproof, and I resorted to shouting this morning. DS is now being Harry from the 'bucketful of dinosaurs' series and only responds to anything ending in "Harry", which is trying (as, of course, it is not his name).

Bink · 02/02/2006 14:45

We've worked so hard on ds's faffing - (I'd love to put all these faffers in a room and compare them - I swear ds would be the worst. Anyway).

Our system has been Routine Routine Routine, and constant patient reinforcement. So, he's now in year 2, so that's two years of getting ready for school - now he can just about fall in with: "OK ds, dd and I are going down for breakfast now. When we get downstairs I will put on the egg-timer [3-min sand-timer]. You will remember to be down & dressed by the time it empties, won't you. And you can do your buttons up as you come downstairs, you know". That took about a year of "prizes" for making it in time - now he makes it more often than not.

After breakfast he gets two turns of the egg-timer for toilet/teeth/hands & face, and has to come and report when he's done it. Manages it sometimes. Very occasionally he says "and now I'm going to put my shoes on".

Idea is to make this stuff so automatic for him that his body does it for him. And it is improving, but it is a long long road I'm afraid.

Bink · 02/02/2006 14:48

Oh, the other thing I do which does work but is very annoying (to ds) is not to do "socks on by count of 10" but count only when he is not doing whatever it is - so as soon as he starts to drift & stare I say "two! three!" and then he jumps back on task and I stop counting. Idea is that he should stop me getting to 10.

singersgirl · 02/02/2006 20:07

Bink, that's a good idea. Should add that DS1, now 7 and in Y3, was a champion faffer in his time, but is now dressed all by himself without any reminders, and the same for coat/shoes/bags.
So it took 3 years but it happened!

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