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Behaviour/development

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How to get a 3 year old to tidy up?

24 replies

BertieBotts · 08/01/2012 10:20

DS used to be really good at tidying, I'd just tell him we were tidying up now and we had to put all the toys in this box and he'd run around helping. Likewise, if he had a food wrapper or something which needed to go in the bin we'd just tell him it needed to go there and off he'd go.

But now, he'll finish something and just throw the wrapper on the floor. We ask him to pick it up, and he just refuses. I've tried postponing the next activity until he does it, but this isn't practical all the time, and doesn't always work either. Mostly it's that as soon as it turns into a battle he goes into full-on bulldog (standard three year old?) mode and nobody gets anywhere.

This has also been happening with general tidying - I announce that it's time to tidy up at the end of the day, or to make space for a jigsaw he wants to do or whatever, and he lolls about on the sofa humphing and saying "I'm bored of tidying, I want you to do it" or making excuses like "My legs are broken"

So, I got fed up with this and announced one day that if he was not going to help tidy up his toys, then he wasn't old enough to have them, and if he was going to leave me to tidy them up by myself, I was going to put them away in the cupboard and he could have them when he could show me that he was responsible enough to look after his toys. This worked for a short while and was great, and then he reverted to the humphing. So tidying up now consists of me getting cross and him getting upset, when I said "I'm going to put this one in the cupboard now" (with many warnings, chances, trying to make it fun etc while I was tidying up) and then he'd burst into tears wailing "But I wanted to help, Mummy!" and it just frustrates me because I think that he should have just helped, then! And I give him the chance to help with the next thing and he doesn't - he just stands there like he doesn't know what to do. He DOES know what to do. So how can I get him to do it?

OP posts:
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nutterbutsquash · 08/01/2012 12:00

Waiting with interest for response as I have same issue with ds...

tostaky · 08/01/2012 19:56

Commiserating here.... I have a three years old and it is the same... It is just a phase I hope!!!
I find if I stop him doing whatever he does then look at him square in the eyes when I explain it is time to tidy up otherwise xxx will happen, it works much better.

I also get the "but my legs hurt/too tired" to which I reply "in that case I'll put you in bed" and that seems to work too.

If anyone has better ideas, please share because I still struggle a lot!!!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/01/2012 19:57

Do they all use the legs being too tired line then? :o DD has been trotting that one out recently.

mathanxiety · 08/01/2012 20:51

I think there is too much 'announcing' going on. Three year olds don't do change. They really don't cope well with abrupt ends to activities. They are starting to get really engrossed with whatever they are doing and find it hard to change speed or change direction. They also find it hard to choose between two activities and can't always see that the floor can only fit so much by way of toys.

If you're going to start a cleanup routine, you need to give a 'two minute warning' to interrupt him and then another signal when things really need to come to a halt and the tidying needs to begin, preferably with a kitchen timer that dings and that he can't argue with.

How about letting him come up with some solution to the question of where to put a puzzle when the floor is already covered with other toys? Maybe he would be willing to participate with you in figuring out where it could fit or how he could make some space for it? (Hopefully he would hit on the idea of tidying something else away and you could congratulate him on his great idea).

Could you pretend that the bin is a basketball hoop/goal when it comes to wrappers, etc?

Make it all playful and 'autonomous' and not something that is being dictated all the time in other words.

lecce · 08/01/2012 21:42

I had exactly the same with ds1 (now 4.9). I think they go through a stage when they enjoy helping as they feel grown-up but then they start to assert their own personalites and realise that tidying up's not all that.

I tried all sorts when ds1 was 3 and at the time ds2 was going through a difficult stage as well and I got so tired of all the hassle and conflict over tidying that I just stopped it. If stuff was out during the day that was in the way of the next activity I would put it away myself, otherwise I just waited til the dc were in bed and dh and I did it together. If ds1 ever did join in while I was tidying I would comment calmly on how handy it was to have things put away ready for next time - in fact I would chunter on in this vein when I was doing it in case in sank in to him at all.

Then, not sure when exactly, but at some point between then and now, he just became more co-operative again. Tactics I'd tried and that had failed ("Bet you can't put all the blue cars away before I do the red ones!" "That's right Mummy, I can't - you do them all!") suddenly started working and he even instigates them himself now.

He now pretty much always tidies up when asked and often puts one activity away before beginning another completely off his own back (we have no rule about this, but sometimes it's a practiacal thing due to space.)

Sometimes backing off works really well. I know I thought that maybe I was being too soft and it would lead to him turining into a teen who'll never do as asked but 3 is still tiny really. I'd say keep mentioning the importance of tidying up, make it into a game where possible and avoid battling him over it.

Zimbah · 09/01/2012 14:54

I have the same issue with 3yo DD, right down to the "but I'm too tired". I've found getting cross and threatening/actually putting the offending toy(s) out of reach is useless as DD just announces "it's good I don't want to play with those anymore Mummy". Lecce, it's reassuring that your DS suddenly started helping again. I think I will try your approach and just let it go for a while, I know I often turn things into a battle that needn't be - DD can't really help herself being argumentative at this age I think, but I should be able to Grin.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 09/01/2012 16:56

I found reverse psychology worked for my DD. I'd just say, " We need to tidy up, but I don't think you are big enough to help me. Only big girls are really good at tidying!" Worked like a charm.

BertieBotts · 09/01/2012 20:01

Thanks mathanxiety, that's really helpful :) I do do the warning thing but had perhaps been forgetting recently. I was only really saying announcing to differentiate from "Shall we XXX now?" which took me a while to get out of the habit of doing.

Coming up with his own solution tends to mean he suggests doing the puzzle in the hallway/kitchen/bathroom. And then leaving it there. Inventive Grin but not very practical.

Am glad to hear it was a phase for your DS, Lecce! :)

OP posts:
rhetorician · 09/01/2012 21:15

some good suggestions, but I have recently taken to saying to dd (3 next week) that anything that is still on the floor when she goes to bed will go in the bin...she is now quite assiduous about ensuring things have been chucked into the toy boxes tidied up

rhetorician · 09/01/2012 21:16

clearly I am a mean cow, though

StitchingMoss · 09/01/2012 21:21

We've started doing that with our 2.3 yr old DS2 rhetorician, so I'll join you in the mean cow club Grin Blush!

Dee03 · 09/01/2012 21:57

Try getting 18 3 and 4 year old to tidy up at preschool Sad

rhetorician · 09/01/2012 22:03

what do you do dee? my dd will tidy up no problem at nursery...

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 09/01/2012 22:11

I look after a (just turned)4 yr old, a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old. Both the 4 yr old and 2 yr old tidy away with no issues and know if they want something else out then something has to be put away first.
I do give warnings though, e.g. we have to go to nursery in 10 mins, lets get these things put away and then when we get back we can do x. We need to go in 5 mins, can you help me and then we have to get our shoes on. Etc.

It's just repetition. And positive praise (sometimes over the top) when they do it off their own back - tell them how proud and happy you are that they're taking such wonderful care of their and your things. Stickers work wonders here too. The 4yr old particularly likes bug stickers for being such a great helper. (Read bribery and corruption).

Dee03 · 09/01/2012 22:59

We have a tidy up cd that we play when it's tidy up time and we tend to find that it's the same few kids that will tidy up all the time!
If we ask the ones that just refuse to help if they tidy up at home they usually say 'no my mum just does it'.... And we also find that it's the ones that tip all the toys out all
Over the place are the ones reluctant to tidy up!!!!
We spend a lot of time explaining why they have to help etc etc....it's amazing how many kids need a wee or a drink when it's tidy up time!!

BertieBotts · 10/01/2012 08:27

Thing is I wouldn't follow through with the bin threats, so I can't really say that. Some of his toys have been handed down or are really well thought out presents, I couldn't just get rid of them.

Not sure if he tidies up at nursery, he's only just started... As far as I know he doesn't tip everything on the floor though!

OP posts:
plantsitter · 10/01/2012 08:31

I have found telling DD what she is going to do rather than telling her to do it a bit more effective i.e I'll say 'you are going to put your toys away now' rather than 'put your toys away please'.

You'll note I say a bit. Success rate is about 60% which is amazing in my world.

plantsitter · 10/01/2012 08:31

I meant e.g not i.e sorry!

rhetorician · 10/01/2012 19:53

bertie in that case perhaps you could have a sin bin where the unpickedup toys go for a period of time - so you'd be able to say that they were going in the bin/naughty box etc but not have to actually chuck them out?

habbibu · 10/01/2012 19:59

Get a nice looking kitchen timer, and make it a race against the timer, for set tasks - so two minutes for all the puzzles, etc. My mum uses it a lot (ex nursery nurse, and v good) and it works really well. Needless to say, I Never Ever Remember.

BertieBotts · 11/01/2012 01:17

I have done that with the cupboard, worked at first but then seemed to have stopped.

Ah well. DP helpfully tidied up everywhere the other day (with DS) so we have a starting point and I've made a jobs checklist for each day so hoping to get him involved in that. It seemed to work to get him to pick up his coat this afternoon :)

OP posts:
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 11/01/2012 01:21

I could have started this thread - DS has become exactly the same- 3yrs old and gorgeous but just says 'No' everytime I ask him to do something.
I will watch with interest ....

ShesAStar · 11/01/2012 10:49

I also have a 3 year old and it is a struggle to get him to do a lot of what I ask.

A friend sets the timer on her oven for 3 mins and tells her son he has 3 minutes to finish what he's playing with and when the timer beeps it's time to stop, have supper, go out, tidy up etc. This works for her and she has found a massive improvement.

Personally I do a tidy up before bed and as DS mainly plays with cars I push them across the floor towards him and he has to catch them and put them in the car bag, it is time consuming but at least he gets involved.

mathanxiety · 12/01/2012 15:57

Yep. No-one can argue with a timer, not even a 3 yo.

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