Is ds2 getting a raw deal?

[lecce]

I will start by saying I have no doubt of my love for ds2 - this thread is not really about emotions but the practicality of having two dc. I keep feeling so gulity because I enjoy playing with ds1(4.9) so much more than I do ds2 (2.5). As well as the enjoyment factor, there is the 'need' factor, because ds1 'needs' me to practise reading with him, 'needs' me to read the instructions on his knight stickerbook so he can stick them in correctly etc etc

It seems that so often I am on the sofa with ds1 helping him/ interacting with him and ds2 is just pottering about by himself. He is very independent compared to how ds2 was at that age but it just doesn't seem right somehow and I keep getting these pangs of guilt and sadness.

Also, I don't know if this is related but ds2 seems so babyish conpared to how ds1 was at this age (I know this contradicts what I've just said ) in that his voice sounds like that of a baby. He has a great vocabulary, speaks in sentences but still just soundds like a baby and is given to shouting and random babbling. At this age ds1 had, I think, a pretty similar vocabulary (maybe a bit better) but he sounded like a child and could be understood by pretty much anyone and everyone - ds2 frequently needs a translator . I have no worries really about his develpment and he does have things he can do (well, jigsaws at least) that ds1 couldn't but, as I say, he seems more of a baby and ds1 was more of a child.

I don't know, I'm probably being silly and doing some pointless comparing but I can't help feeling that ds1 must have had far more interaction than ds2 and we are now seeing the impact.

Sorry for my ramblings, would love to hear some wisdom from those with two or more dc.

Im the other way round. I feel dd1 gets left out and left to get on with it. The twins are 17 months and cant be left alone for even a min.

On the other hand, ds2 gets attention from ds1 as well.....

Of course an only child has more attention from their parents than a second. That's not necessarily a bad thing though imo, they are more likely to be allowed to get on with things at their own pace, which is no bad thing. They also get the benefit of more experienced parents....

I had the same impression with my dc - I felt ds2 was more babyish. Just looked more like a baby, and acted more like one. Then I went back and looked at photos and videos of when ds1 was the same age and realised that it is more a question of what I compare them with.

In the case of ds1, I compared him with how he had been previously. So he always seemed so big.

In the case of ds2, I compare him with a much-vaguer-than-I-think memory of what ds1 was at that age. And with what he will become like.

FWIW, I'm a second and I feel I definitely got the better deal compared to my sister....even though I had a LOT less attention than she had.

Do you work full time, part time or are you a SAHM? Is there any possiblity of spending one to one time with ds2 duriong the school day? Do you have a partner or family who can care for ds1 while you give attention to ds2.

The fact that second born children get less attention is balanced out by the fact that mothers usually make less parenting mistakes with the second born. As families get bigger it does get more complex. I think its really important that you make some one to one time each day for both children.

I think it will balance itself out over time. I was thinking about this recently - I've always felt a bit guilty that DC4 basically raised himself (when he was born I had 2 hard work teenagers and a toddler), but then when DC3 started school and more and more as they've got older, it's just been me and DC4 spending nice quality time together. And he's a confident, resilient child - far more independent and capable than DC3, for example.

Re the being more of a baby thing - I think the passage of time is playing tricks on you. Your DC1 probably seemed more mature because that was all you knew, you had no-one to compare him with - and maybe you projected a maturity on to him that wasn't there. Do you have any old videos of your DC1 at 2.5 you could look at?

I know what you mean OP. With my 6yo DS1 I can read books that actually have a plot, and play games that are enjoyable for me too. It seems a bit boring to sit with my DS2 reading baby books and doing really easy jigsaws!

I agree with other posters that there are pros and cons to being the youngest or oldest. Just do your best to spread your attention fairly and don't blame yourself if you can't always manage it.

Thanks for all your replies. I should have said that I work f/t so that does make it worse - especially in term-time. Dh is a sahd (a great one!) and ds1 is in YR so whenever I mention my concerns to dh he always says there's no problem because ds2 gets lots of one-to-one with him while ds1 is at school. It's me who needs to split my time more effectively when I am home. It doesn't help that I am always so tired when I get home and it feels more managable to do something with ds1 than get on the floor with ds2. I must start making more of an effort though.

Discrete that's a really good point about comparisons and you're probably right. The thing is, I just know that ds1 was a bit more grown-up because ds2 is now the age ds1 was when he was born and I remember the conversations we had about the birth and the new baby and I just cannot inagine having similar ones with ds2 because he just does not engage like that. Also, I remember the books I was reading to ds1 while bf ds2 and ds2 would never have the attention span to listen those. He is really still on Maisie, Hungry Catepillar etc - preferably with flaps/noises - and ds1 was on much longer/complex books. I suppose they just have different strengths...

Poor ds2 - it sounds as if I'm being negative about him and I really don't feel that way - he is great - a little nutty, very sociable and getting more so, a whizz at jigsawa, great at playing with small-world toys... I suppose I just need to get it through my head that he is not ds1 .