is this too much too ask?

[fattybum]

Ds1 is 5.6 and a very fast eater. The problem is when he is finished, he leaves the table and ds2, who is a slow eater, follows after him then won't eat anymore. I have asked ds1 nicely on a number of occasions to please stay at the table a bit so ds2 will finish his dinner, which he has refused to do. So I have had to tell him that unless he does as we ask, we won't read his bedtime story. This really pisses me off because I would like to make a simple request and ds1 to just say "ok, Mum!". It's not like it's a massive thing to ask, and I hate having to threaten him to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Anyone else have this happen and know what to do?

bump

It doesn't happen that way here but I have one who is extremely slow to eat/fussy feeder and one who always finishes first. The rule is that we all stay at table until everyone is finished, however long that takes. And while first finisher is getting impatient and asking for dessert, she is reminded of the rule.
Re threats: 'How to talk so kids will listen' I found this a really good book that helped me move away from using threats all the time to one where they get a choice e.g. you can leave the table now and that way you choose to have no book later or you can choose to sit here and chat to me and have a book later; I hope you will choose to sit and chat as I am looking forward to reading to you later. But its your choice.'

Fattybum, when you call this a simple request I think you are being a little unrealistic! It's a simple request for YOU, but if your DS is anything like mine (why walk when you can run? Why lie down when you can jump?) it is a different matter for him! Not saying you shouldn't insist on this, but I think it might help if you could recognise that this doesn't come naturally to him and he genuinely has to make an effort to obey you.

Could you let him have a book at the table and read it aloud to DS2 while he finishes? Or something else to keep him occupied and stop him getting bored and restless? Obviously people have different standards of table manners - personally I wouldn't allow this at a family meal, but I would consider it acceptable if the DSs eat together and you eat with DH later.

We all read during meals (& currently) do a big jigsaw puzzle together. It helps to cut down on too much chat, otherwise everyone talks at once & some get X they aren't being heard! If they get too cross they don't eat, either. This is casual regular meals at home, not at Granny's.

My idea is to get the DS2 to start eating a few minutes earlier. Get the DS1 to do a job or something like that as a preface to his meal, or asked to serve himself up, or serve him up last. Might get you a few minutes.

Also, get the DS1 talking to you, and have a no eating while you're talking rule. So if he's talking he can't wolf down his food simultaneously.

I don't think it's a simple request. If you said one finishes quickly but it depends on which one, then fine. But to expect a child to regularly sit, having finished their meal, and wait for their slow sibling will cause resentment.

My kids are still quite small (3yo twins and 6yo) or maybe I have low standards! I don't expect anyone to wait a LONG time at the table once they have finished (and sometimes it can take dd more than double the time of ds1 to eat!). They are allowed to get down and play when they're finished, and come back for pudding. They have to go and play in another room so not too tempting for other siblings. They are not allowed TV while anyone else is still eating.

In answer to your original question. I think it is more ds2's issue than ds1's. He should just not be allowed to leave the table until he's finished or made a good effort at his food. Final.

To me, it sounds a bit like you're punishing ds1 for ds2's inability to stay at the table and finish.

As they get older (eg. when youngest are about 5 or 6), I think it's reasonable to have conversation. But at the moment, proper conversation is a bit difficult.

We have this, but I take the opposite view op-dd1 is allowed to ask nicely to leave the table until its pudding time. I would see her waiting for a long time as a punishment for her brothers slow eating. If you're really unhappy about the table leaving,could he not have a book or toy at the table after he's finished? How to talk is all about logical consequences instead of punishments. No book at bedtime if you get down from the table doesn't seem a logical follow on in the same way as "if you choose not to play nicely we'll have to go home" or "if you behave in a tired way we'll need to go to bed" or "if you choose not to eat nicely your meal is finished". Bit genuinely, I just say that because that's the way we run things. There's a lot to be said for the "everyone at the table til we've all finished" approach too.

We have this and have taken it more in the vein of MerryMarigold. DD can absolutely get down when ds does but she then waits until the next meal time to have anything else to eat. So we eat at 5 (DH has his later when the children have fruit as he is not home in time) and then they are allowed fruit at 6.30. Dd will have to wait until 6.30 if she hasn't finished her meal. At times she will complain she is hungry but more and more she will stay at the table if she is actually hungry and wants more to eat

Thanks everyone! I know it seems unfair to punish ds1 for ds2 eating slowly, but ds1 eats SO fast he's eaten and gone in two minutes! He is a fidgety, can't sit still type of child so maybe the best solution is to try to make staying at the table more fun. I can't make ds2 stay and eat, he's only 3 and he'd rather be hungry and play than stay and eat. Or maybe I should be stricter with ds2?

I don't know, just seems that everythings a battle at the moment. If it was just this issue with ds1 I would probably be more patient, but having to deal with him taking over an hour to get to sleep at night and moaning, not wanting to wear socks cos they irritate him, not wanting to wear a coat for the same reason, being bad tempered, moody and SO argumentative that i'm walking on eggshells.

Is this typical five year olds or what? Maybe I should start a new thread...

To me it sounds like you need to pick your battles.

He won't wear a coat? Fine he doesn't. If he's cold, or has to come home sooner, he'll learn. Dd1 used to decide she wouldn't wear a coat at times. Now she's much more likely to take a coat "just in case" than not have one when needed.

Not wearing socks? Do you get cotton socks? (95% or higher) Let him help choose if he has problems. Again at home does he ned to? Get him some trainers or something that it doesn't matter if he doesn't wear them. Mine don't like any patterns on the socks. I think it's only imagination that makes them itch, but it's no hassle to get plain socks (and cheaper too)

Getting to sleep-think you're probably shooting yourself in the foot by saying no bedtime story . Let him go to bed and "read" to himself for half an hour or longer after the bedtime story. At the end, put his light out and let him go to sleep.

fattybum, I can sympathise with your ds1, sounds a bit like mine. Mine is quite sensitive to everything and gets very wound uo by being at school! Holiday time is a lot more relaxing, he sleeps better, behaves better (as he's not tired) etc. In the holidays my ds1 sleeps from 8-7.30. In term time it's supposed to be 7.30 but can easily become at 8.30 till 5.30 or 6am. Huge difference there. I think the more battles you have, the more stressed he'll get. Try and relax for longer at bedtime, rather than using it as a time of punishment if he has issues with going to sleep. How about ds1 has some lego to play with? Seems to calm my ds1 down a lot. You can try at the table but it may be even more distracting to ds2.

Your ds2 is 3, I do think you're being too soft on him. I have 3 year old twins (they were 3 in Oct) and they are perfectly able to understand that you can get down from the table when you've finished your meal. If you decide you want to get down and play before the food is finished then your meal is over (inc pudding). If you finish your food up and want to play for a bit before pudding that's fine. If you have a good go at your food but don't finish it and don't get down then you can still have pudding.