Losing the plot

[whataremyoptions]

I'm not sure where to put this but hope it's OK here.
DD1 (2.10) is having constant meltdowns where she will scream uncontrollably for what can be hours at a time with short breaks of normal behaviour for 10 minutes or so. DD2 (5mo) now seems to be copying this behaviour and will also scream if she is put down at all. She is feeding (EBF) 2 hourly day and night at the moment so alongside DD1's frequent night waking s I am barely sleeping.
DP and I are barely talking anymore and it feels like our relationship is over as we only argue if we do talk.
Today I have finally lost it and can't get out of bed or stop crying. DP is looking after the children and is angry at me for not getting up.
I tried to make a Dr appointment for DD1 when she was screaming this morning as I wanted to shake her or put her in the garden but as usual they said to call back tomorrow. I haven't lost it enough to actually hurt her but know that I'm thinking about it more frequently so need to do something. I did think it would be no bad thing if we had a car crash yesterday and was considering self-harming when I was chopping onions last night. I have a history of self-harm but haven't felt this way for many years now and certainly not since I had kids.
What can I do? I need to break out of this downward spiral but feel too tired to do anything. All I can hear is DD1 whingeing, DP shouting at her and DD2 crying. But I can't be bothered to do anything to help.

Make a gp appointment for yourself. If necessary tell them it is an emergency (if you are having intrusive thoughts of hurting yourself and/or your dc, it is).

Does dp know about the previous self harm? Can you get grandparents or a friend to watch dds so you can calmly talk - tell him you are not coping and need to support each other.

With dd1 do you think it is tantrums due to frustration (ds is 18 months and wow, I was not prepared for him losing control like he does!) or pain?

Cut out any unnecessary housework etc to make things easier for you.

Getting more sleep by the way will make a huge difference ime. Does dp take them on his days off so you can have a lie in? You need to catch up sleep some how. Go to bed when they do if you hvae to just for a few days.

DP doesn't work so can help whenever and does - usually ends up in bed with DD1 as she wakes up so often (and screams each time too - our neighbours must hate us!). My parents are living locally for a couple of months but have a lot on their plate already so I don't want to bother them with this if possible.
I did think about a GP appointment for myself but can't see the point as they can't help me but might be able to work out what's wrong with DD1. I don't think it's pain as she is mostly fine but just can't seem to cope with her emotions at all. We've tried giving her lots of quiet time as she tends to be worse if she's tired but it's made no difference. I feel like a useless parent who can't help my children be happy.

Oh and I can't seem to sleep anymore - I just lie awake listening for DD1's cries. It's driving me insane!

Ok feeling no-one can do anything to help, what's the point, is a symptom of how you are feeling - not the truth. I have been there, this time last year. Is your hv any good?

GP could give you sleeping pills so you could get some rest or anti depressants to help temporarily lift your mood and/or refer you for counselling so a professional can try and figure out what is wrong with you. (advice on specific drugs and breastfeeding here)

Ds screamed a lot as a baby - it was hell but thankfully he grew out of it by 1 yr. I do think you need to make sure it is a not pain so appointment for her is a good idea too.

Yes ds also seems to be flooded by emotion and go out of control. I think they need reassurance as they are probably scared by their behaviour too. But if you feel like you will lose it with her, better to leave her in a safe place. Does she get enough 1-on-1 attention, probbaly hard with another baby around I bet!

you must STOP feeling like useless parent - you are going through the hardest part of parenting (so I'm told) at the ages they are now and I agree that if you could get more sleep then all of this would be easier to cope with. I found myself in same situ recently and doctor said to talk to my husband and explain how i was feeling - i did, and it worked for a while but i know you go round in circles. The sooner you get appt with doctor for yourself and DD1 the better - make the call now and then you are making positive steps. Being out of the house works better for me but know sometimes you won't feel up to it. It will get better.

Get an emergency appointment for yourself.

As for your DD1, your dh needs to tackle those wakings and you sort dd2. With the screaming, when did it start? Is it related to dd2 - is she getting more "threatening" eg grabbing toys etc? Are there any other possible triggers? Is she ok if you're out? What happens if you ignore it?

DD1 has always been like this and has only slept through a few times. Sometimes if we don't go straight in at night she will go back to sleep by herself and sometimes even if we go in and she seems awake I wonder if she really is as she doesn't respond and will lie down and go straight to sleep when I tell her to.
I have been pretty cool about my relationship with DP being over and just focused on the girls, but then on Boxing Day I went out for the day with my family and DD2 would not be put down or be held by anyone else. Then everyone started telling me about so and so being such a natural mum who just hands her baby to anyone no problem and it made me feel terrible. I am sure this was the trigger for how I'm feeling now.

DP and I aren't communicating enough for me to discuss this. Just brought crying baby in for feed, put her on the bed and left without a word. Then went downstairs and put loud music on. I think we're past repair to be honest.

Oh I'm sorry that your relationship is where it is :(

With dd2 not settling for others - I Csn understand why the comments hurt. We got those with DS who at that age got overwhelmed at family gatherings and wasn't "easy". I had to learn to ignore them. Your baby needs you, nothing wrong with that.

Could your dd1 be having night terrors? She might be chronically overtired hence her daytime behaviour too (does she still nap) and you might need to speak to a sleep specialist for advice as better sleep should (hopefully) help - but it could take a bit of time. Does she watch much tv or eat sugary stuff? Get plenty of exercise?

I would enlist friends and family to give you a break. 5 months is hard - I was at breaking point as DS was a terrible sleeper but he did suddenly improve at 6 months which was a relief I can tell you.

Yes I've been thinking night terrors or sleep apnoea which is why I want a medical opinion - I know tantrums are normal but I don't think this is. Have also wondered about petit mal as she does stare into space randomly and seem to completely ignore us. Which we've been taking to be defiance but now I'm wondering. She has been watching more tv lately as she's been ill with a vomiting bug which she then gave us and as a result I've been trying to get her to eat anything to replace what she lost. Went back to a more normal routine yesterday though and agreed to cut out treats and tv now with DP.

Def worth pushing for a GP to refer you then. Also don't forget yourself in all of this.

Ah god! went downstairs to make dinner having promised DD1 a nice pudding if she could go the rest of the day without tantrumming. She picked at her dinner then announced when I asked her to eat one more mouthful that it would make her sick. We told her not to be silly and she sat and retched until she was. while I was clearing up the mess she demanded her pudding and DP said she might as well have it. She ate it no problem so I have told her that it's her last treat now.
DP took her upstairs to get ready for bed and I took DD2 into the front room to change her. And discovered the cat has pissed all over their toys. I know these are silly things but I had been feeling brighter from sharing on here but now feel back to where I was. I just want to run away from it all.

i really think apart from getting professional advice on sleeping/behaviour etc - you really need to get a break from DD1 (yes, that sounds bad) for 24 hours if you can - can any grandparents help overnight if you explain that you need the break to focus on DD2 - that way you can relax for one night/day and get some much needed sleep (where possible depending on DD1) and know that she is in safe hands; it will do you good to have the break and it could also benefit DD1. This might not be easy to arrange and you may think wrong but it is worth a try. You need to get rest and all of this will seem easier, if only a little bit.

I really remember feeling just like this - super sensitive to comments about my baby or parenting, small things feeling like major disasters and yes wanting to just run and run. Are you me from the past op? Obviously not as I felt like that with only one dc to look after...

Please think about going to the doctor.

Do you have any time to read? I have just finished What Mothers Do which tries to explain just what is so hard (and wonderful obviously) about having children, based on loads of discussions with women. Has a chapter on relationships and I really felt it described were dh and I had gone wrong - resenting each other etc. Really wished I had read it when ds was born.