Are babies supposed to settle at 3 months? Am I doing something wrong?

[mpops]

Watch out! Possibly paranoid first-time mum here. But I really need some opinions/perspective about this because it's making me really anxious.

I posted another thread last week about my baby going through a change in her night sleep patterns at 12 weeks, which threw us quite a bit (she was a great sleeper until then - suddenly starting waking every two hours). We then decided to start putting her to bed earlier and that seems to be working. But although she was getting more into naps, now that she's sleeping better at night, she fights sleep during the day. So she gets horribly cranky and upset past 3 o'clock nearly every day and it's really knocking my confidence. Although we don't all sorts of lovely stuff together and I'm doing my very very best to keep things as normal and relaxed as possible, there are days (loads of them) when I can't cope. I never get to eat or drink anything (which makes me worried about my milk supply) until after DH gets home, I can't ever do anything round the house and I'm always fretting that as soon as I put her in the buggy or carrier to go out, she'll kick off. And I can settle her fine but I keep thinking that she's unhappy and I'm doing a terrible job not having a strick routine with her (apart from bedtime). It's just that every day seems so different. I keep reading and hearing about babies her ages being 'settled' and I can't even imagine what that's like.

Or am I exaggerating and panicking for nothing? She's babbling and kicking and smiling and laughing and everything. But what about the routine dammit?!

Thanks for reading.

Routine? Bollocks

Honestly, routine is not that necessary unless your baby wants one.

'I can settle her fine' - brilliant, you are being responsive and caring to your baby.

Can you get a sling? That way you can make food and drinks and stuff during the day. Sit on the sofa, feed when you need to and watch some crap tv/read a good book one handed/eat chocolate.

Babies change all the time. It sounds as if you are doing a good job.

Stuff the routine

I always kept to a bedtime "routine" to differentiate and get dc used to going down at the same time.

Apart from that, play it by ear. She is still tiny and you meeting her immediate needs is what is keeping her happy.

You say you don't have time to eat or drink - is that all day? That's not right, if she fusses while you grab a sandwich I'd leave her. I do mean fussing though, not screaming. If you are bfing does she sleep on you after a feed? Maybe prepare with a drink/food to have then?

DD2 is 6 months and our routine is this

She wakes up between 5 - 7 and has a bottle
She either goes back to sleep or stays awake
She has a bottle, breakfast and nap of between 1 and 3 hours before around 1pm.
She has lunch a bottle and a nap between 1 and 5pm
She has a bath bottle and bed at 6.30.

She has to fit in around dd1 and what we are doing so she naps when she wants and yells when she needs food.

And trust me these days we are practically regimented compared to the early weeks.

You sound like you are doing a great job!

you're not doing anything wrong just all the bloody books make you think you are. she'll come into a routine in her own time with a little guidance from you. my DS didn't have a feeding routine until about 4 months and he's only just started sleeping though without stirring (he's 21 months!). Just go with it and try and make small adjustments to get her where she needs to be. My LO was cranky too, it's just communication really and a 'spirited' baby made for a hilarious toddler in my case . Not an expert of course, just sharing my experience with one.

She doesn't sound unhappy - lots of babies just aren't "routine" people! If she's happy and healthy and responsive, then she doesn't have any problems.

But you do need to eat and drink - as you say, your milk supply requires it. If you don't have time to make meals and sit down, just make sure there are plenty of varied snacks in the fridge and cupboards that you can grab and munch when you get the chance. You can hold her in ne arm, or get a sling.

Don't worry about not getting stuff done round the house beyond the bare minimum - if everyone has food, something to eat it off, and some clothes, and nothing is so unhygenic as to be a risk to health, then you're doing fine (and a lot better than I was when DS was 3 months!)

Babies of 3 months don't need a strict routine. Many babies don't need even a loose routine at 3 months old.

Most can barely manage with a basic bedtime routine of bath - feed - bed (for three or four hours until they want feeding again) until they're a bit older.

Babies cry. It's what they do to tell you something - they're hot, they're cold, they're hungry, they're too full, they've pooed, they're bored, they're overstimulated...the list goes on and on and best of all you get to try and GUESS what's wrong with them. Please don't worry :)

Don't worry so much about keeping things 'normal' or worrying that she might cry if you put her in the carrier or buggy - if she cries, it's not the end of the world. It's only for a couple of minutes and sometimes you need to go to the loo on your own without trying to balance a baby on your knee. If you're struggling to cope on many days, are you putting too much pressure on yourself to do things - are you trying to go to lots of activities because you think you should, or trying to keep pre-baby standards of housework? If you don't get dressed until lunchtime some days, that's fine. It might be worth speaking to your HV about the possibility of PND if you're finding it hard, if you're feeling stressed then your baby will pick up on that too, which in turn will make her stressed (which might explain the afternoons)

It worries me that at 12 weeks you can't manage to put her down long enough to go and grab a sandwich or a drink though. What happens if you try to put her down long enough to make something to eat? There are times when you have to put the baby down and it won't do her any harm, leaving her to cry for two minutes whilst you throw a buttie and a glass of juice together. There's no reason for you not to be able to put her on a playmat or even bung her in a sling whilst you get something.

I agree with HumphreyCobbler. I carried my first in a sling about the house continuously for at least the first three months which had the double benefit of keeping him really happy (having a good look at stuff or just a snooze when he fancied it) and being able to do everything I needed to (even cleaning the toilet). Those wrap slings are fiddly to put on but feel lovely, a cuddle but with arms free to do stuff-perfect!

I've had two whingers and lots of cuddles and motion were my solution. I remember trying to impose a daytime routine with DS1 at three months (I think because I thought I should) and it was a disaster, he just cried more and we were both miserable.

DS didn't have a routine at that age - in fact I've only really been able to accurately predict when he'll have a nap in the past 3-4 months so from the age of 20 months onwards. Food and snack times are still a bit hit and miss. It sounds as though you're doing brilliantly and responding to your DDs needs as they change. I'm a bit worried that you don't get anything to eat or drink all day - could your DH plate up some sandwiches in the morning, or could you grab a bowl of cereal or a meal to bung in the microwave?

Are there any specific bits that you feel that you can't cope with? I think everyone has days when they're completely overwhelmed by everything but then a day comes along where things seem to go better so they do sort of balance out in the end.

Sending you unMnet hugs x

How many weeks is she now? About 13 or 14?

I suspect that she is going through the change from 'lots of little naps' to one or two longer naps.

Now, I am no sleep guru (that's an understatement!) but when my son was about this age I decided to 'set' his nap. He had never been a huge daytime sleeper, but was having increasingly short power naps. So, everyday for about a week I took him out for a long buggy walk around about 1pm. He gradually became accustomed to sleeping at that time and now has a nap everyday from 2 - 3.30pm at home or 12.30 - 2pm when he is at nursery. He is now 2.3 years old.

Apart from that, you seem to be doing a great job. Seriously, think of things as a 'sequence of events' rather than a routine. We have never had a routine, but once past about 14 or 15 weeks I could definitely see a rhythm emerging. At six months the introduction of food begins to punctuate the day, the milk feeds begin to slot around the meals and your days develop a structure all of their own.

At 2.3 years my son's day is now:

bf, breakfast, nappy and dress
play or go out
lunch, nappy, bf, sleep
play, nappy, play
supper, nappy and undress
play, bf and sleep.

So one day it might begin a bit earlier or later, but you almost always know what is coming next.

I remember one of my lovely antenatal friends talking about another family, who were 'going with the flow' with their young baby. She had read the books and was convinced that they were, one day, going to suffer some terrible parenting crisis due to the 'accidental parenting' or 'lack of routine', but as she said, that crisis never came. They were fine, their baby was fine..

But why on earth aren't you eating during the day? Seriously, every time you sit down to breastfeed get yourself a snack. I found small cartons of juice quite helpful, cereal bars, bits of cooked chicken, small sandwiches and, oh the beauty of breastfeeding, as much cake as I fancied!

They are all different. Some adults like routines and some don't-babies are no different!

I'm so glad I asked now! Thanks everyone.

My baby is 13 weeks. I can totally see when she needs a sleep and do everything I can to make her comfortable but she resists maps so intensely. She's only just started to take a morning nap (which lasts about 45 mins) and I'll take her out at lunchtime for a stroll hoping for another one. I just really panic when she cries loads though. Maybe because she never really cried for anything apart from food before. But I guess as they become more aware of the world they possibly have more to be upset about. And I'm always putting her in her gym (she spends loads of happy time there) and her bouncer and the sling and taking her with me everywhere but I still feel like it's not enough.

The more I read your responses, the more I think the problem lies with me, not DD. She's great but the fact she won't nap makes me anxious and I spend the whole day panicked. Seriously, the books just make you feel crap don't they? You read them for guidance and end up more stressed. It's a vicious circle.

Sorry, doing all this on my phone so bear with me please.

cairn, the bit I can't quite cope with is mostly the fact that I can see my baby getting very tired and that my attempts to help her are often not enough. And also the fact that if, say, I take her in the kitchen with me, instead of eating something, I'll find a million things to do instead (wash the dishes, fix a cupboard, etc.) and I'll then miss my window of opportunity. Maybe I'm just too much of a fretter. But I find myself getting very worked up and upset as soon as she's in bed in the evenings and I'm looking back at our day together. Like I've failed her or something.

Bin the books.

The big problem you have there is you've not made DD read them, these babies NEVER bother to read the bloody manuals!

Yes, bin the books. Check your priorities- her basic needs first (fed and clean) then yours- eat and drink something when she is settled, you are more important than the washing up!

As for the napping, she's just realising that the world is very exciting so it's harder for her to switch off and fall asleep in the daytime. Will she drop off in the pushchair or car seat? If so, try to plan one nap when you're out. Then maybe work on getting her to nap in her cot after lunch. Use as many 'sleep time's signals as you can-do dark room, feed, a certain piece of music, the same every day.

But if she won't sleep, try not to stress. My DD2 doesn't nap much at all although she's only 7 months. Some babies just don't. It sounds like she's very happy otherwise.

Sorry, but I disagree with most of the posters here. It seems like you instinctively know, and you're right, that you do need to structure her day and that she will respond very well to it.

I think Pozzled has some good advice about using consistent 'sleep time' signals. It's hard to be consistent with these signals if you expect the baby to sleep anywhere (sling, pushchair, cot, other peoples' homes, in the supermarket, in the carseat). A lot of posters on MN like to believe that babies sleep when they need to sleep and will sleep through noise and intense activity, but that's not necessarily the case. There truly are some babies (I think most babies, actually) who are better off having a quiet and settled home environment in which to sleep. Just as with adults, I think it's cruel to 'force' babies to stay awake by keeping them in stimulating environments just because we'd prefer to be out and about. What is worse, as an adult, than trying to get to sleep and somebody coming to jerk you awake or loud noises banging just as you're drifting off!?

So aim to structure as many naps at home as possible (within reason, of course). At three months, probably a morning nap of 45 mins, a post lunch nap of 1.5 hours, and an afternoon nap of 45 mins would be a minimum.

The books can be helpful but it's also over to you to read her 'tired signs' and respond to them by putting her in a quiet, safe, warm place to sleep. The tired signs can be subtle, but generally they are: rubbing eyes, jerking movements, grizzling, fussing and yawns (yawns are usually the last to appear).

In terms of routine, it doesn't need to be a 'strict' routine but it does need to be consistent. Babies thrive on consistency because they know what to expect. They get tired and cranky and unsettled when they're carted about in prams/slings and every day is different.

My advice? Start out by always getting her up from bed at the same time every morning. You don't need to jolt her awake, just gently open the curtains and make morning noises. Let's say the time you choose for this is 7am.
From there, you know that you have a window of opportunity to feed her, change her, play with her and do your household jobs. With a young baby of 3 months old, this window is probably going to be a couple of hours before she gets tired and needs another nap or sleep. One of the books, and I won't say which one, suggests that you use this window of opportunity by feeding first, then playing/doing jobs until the tired signs start to appear again, then you put her down drowsy but awake. In other words, the day has a consistent pattern. Wake up. Eat. Activity. Sleep. Wake up. Eat. Activity. Sleep. Starting at the same time every morning is a good way to establish this pattern.

Good luck.

All babies are different. You ARE coping. Stuff cleaning and tidying, you need to look after yourself. Everything seems worse when you are tired and hungry.

Lol @ the thought of putting my 3 month old baby down drowsy but awake!

OP, does she sleep in the sling? Mine will have good three hour naps in there sometimes. It does take a good bit of marching round the house/ up and down the stairs to get her off though.

Thanks again everyone!

kiwi, the reason I'm so stressed is that in trying to follow exactly that advice, I find that my baby just won't do it and so we both get frustrated and she naps even less. I've been consistent with timings and always creating a good environment for her to sleep three times a day and at night, but she only really ever gets the night bit. The rest is a struggle because, although I can see she needs to sleep and I wind her down (same times every day, in almost identical ways if I realistically can) she just won't have any of it. So from 2 onwards we seem to spend our entire time trying to nap and failing and both of us freaking out. I know babies thrive on routine. But if the generic recipe doesn't work for us, does that make me a failure and my baby 'unsettled'? That's what I was desperate to post here and get some perspective.

three, she does sleep in the sling (sometimes easily sometimes not) but I don't like her to be in it all day because I'm worried she's not entirely comfortable. Am I being daft?

Mpops I know it's really hard and I'd say the main thing is that you look after yourself. Can your dh take a day off work to ensure you get some looking after?

Have you tried a dummy? They can be a total lifesaver.

The thing is there are some babies who do like routine - ie enough of them that at every bloody playgroup you'll meet some one who swears their baby is like clockwork!

In fairness my 2nd one was - it wasn't a routine you'd find in any book but you could almost set a clock by her. Wake at 7am, nap 10 to 12, maybe 30 mins mid afternoon and then bed by 7pm. Even now at 3 she lives by some kind of internal clock - this comes with its own problems as you can imagine!

Ah - but no. 1 - he fought sleep from day one, and even now at 5 if he is ill, upset or just out of sorts the first thing that goes is his sleep
Best advice I was given with my "PFB" was take a week out, just go with the flow and watch what they do. Chances are you'll see some kind of pattern - maybe by time, maybe by activity ie she always sleeps after eating or never sleeps in the pram. From there you can start working out what is best for you.

Good luck - it gets better

I've been writing everything down, trying to see a pattern. There is one! Only problem is, one day she'll be happy to sleep, the next she won't. Even though we do pretty much the same things every day.

Sorry, I seem to be repeating myself a lot. It's good to know I'm not the only one who's ever had trouble getting her baby to nap though. I feel like I'm ruining her day.

You seem to have got into a mindset of success/failure, that you must be doing something "wrong" or that you are failing your baby because you haven't found "the solution". I'd guess that's the way you are generally? You think there is a right way to do something and that you ought to be able to work out what it is, do it right, and see the result?

Unfortunately, babies just don't work that way. A small proportion of them do, and sticking to a regular routine will work for them 9 times out of 10. Others are so easy-going that whatever you do with them they'll be calm and settled. But most just haven't read the script - the world is interesting, and varied, and from one day to the next they have different wants/needs/interests.

You can give them a bit of routine, specially at bedtime, but the rest of the time you just have to go with the flow and accept that what worked yesterday isn't going to work today.

If she's in the sling most of the time during the day, that's OK - she may look a bit squashed up, but when you think how squashed up she was 3 months ago, she has a lot more room now! If she's uncomfortable, she'll tell you, loud and clear, crying or wriggling. You won't be causing her any harm or discomfort by using the sling as much as you find works for now - as she gets bigger the wriggling will increase and you'll both realise she wants more time on the floor etc.

Most of all, please don't fret that you're failing her if things aren't how you expected/imagined. Baby books really don't give you much idea of how much of the time you spend guessing what they want, trying everything, going round the whole list again, despairing that you'll ever understand them, and then collapsing exhausted when they finally give in and sleep. Be kind to yourself. And make sure you eat and drink - I'd be in a right state by 2pm if I hadn't had anything to eat or drink, and I'm sure it doesn't help you to deal with the frustration. Sit down at 12 for some lunch, and don't do anything for half an hour if at all possible. You'll feel recharged and better able to get through the afternoon.

One thing which has helped myself and friends of mine (apparently there is a book on this but I never had it) is settling LO down for a nap every 90 minutes, which might be before they seem tired. It really means starting to settle them after they've been awake for 80 or 85 minutes, but it seems to work well. (Worth a try at least?)

DD would only sleep on or next to me for 5 or 6 months so I feel your pain! Take care of yourself! Eat!

I can only reiterate what others have said, you don't need a routine, they are impossible to follow unless you want to be imprisoned in your home with a baby. The truth about parenting is you just have to relax and go with the flow. It's impossible to control when a baby will sleep anyway as they'll often fall asleep in the car or in the pram.
Some babies will have several naps in the day, some have none. One week they'll sleep through and then wake for feeds for the next 6 months. They're routines continually change, you'll think you've just got in to one and then it changes again.
Honestly you sound like you are doing a great job, just try not to worry about things so much, don't bother about what your friend's baby does or what Gina Ford says you should do, you just do what you think is best for you and your baby on that day.
Being a mum is hard enough, don't make it even harder for yourself by worrying about everything.
I spent the first year of being a mum thinking that everyone else does it better than me, that everyone else knows what they are doing, then I made some really good mum friends I learnt that they are all just winging it the same as me xx

Oh yes and definitely take care of yourself and eat!
If that means that baby has to cry for a minute whilst you stick some cheese between some bread then so be it! She will survive!