DS aged 5 using food as a control

[Poogles]

I'm worried DS might develop an eating disorder and am at a loss about what to do. Should I be worried or is this just normal?

DS (6 in April) has always had a poor relationship with food - began projectile vomiting at 6 months & was misdiagnosed with reflux (turned out he had a hernia) and was given medication which we now know made things worse. Mealtimes were awful - think first time Mum seeing baby losing weight & trying to force feed while baby refuses to eat & loses more weight etc etc. This went on until he was 2. Since then, he has always been suspicious about food but I thought we were getting there. We stopped stressing at meal times which helped & I think being in full time nursery meant that he just got on with eating like the others, although he has always been fussy.

Fast forward to the last year or so since he started school and I've noticed that he has developed this need to control his food - every mealtime has now become a battle and negotiation. Whatever you put down in front of him, he will tell you that he is only eating so much of it. It's like he has to be in control. I really noticed this over Christmas when we were together at mealtimes for 2 weeks. It was EVERY meal.

We have tried several different approaches:

• no dessert if you don't eat what you are given
• input into what we are having & portion size
• refusing to negotiate. Eat what you are given.
• ignoring that he hasn't eaten what he said & carrying on as if he had eaten everything
• using bigger plates to make portions seem smaller

He even does it with foods that we know he loves. Took him to the cinema over christmas and for a McDonalds afterwards. He told me that he would eat 3/4 of his chips and only 3 chicken nuggets. Nothing shifted him on that.

I really get the impression that he enjoys the fact that he has control over what he eats. He has said before that if he is not allowed x toy or to do x, he will refuse to eat - and he has! He is quite capable of dealing with being hungry (maybe because he got used to it when he was small?).

I'm not sure I'm explaining this at all well but it seems like he has to be in control where it comes to food - nobody can dictate how much he will eat, it has to be his decision. If I said you only need to eat half he would try and negotiate less and even if really enjoying it will stop where he has decided. Wish I had the same willpower!

I really want to break this control thing he has with food. DS2 is an absolute dream when it comes to food and is very keen on trying new things and will eat anything not tied down!!

Am I overreacting or does anyone have any advice on how I can help him let go of the control around food? (sorry for long post - wanted to give as much relevat info as possible to get the best advice).

not sure what to suggest, but you could check out the Incredibly Fussy Eaters thread in this section?

my instinctive advice is not to stress and not let him see that he's getting to you but I know that is easier said than done. as long as he is growing, active etc etc I'm pretty sure he will not starve himself.

I would say in response to I'm only eating this much: "That's lovely dear, I hope you enjoy it" and not offer pudding and be very casual about it. Usually with minor disordered eating if you don't make a big deal they do control it and remain healthy.

I would then give him some 'control' in other areas so that he feels he can exercise his choices - "Do you want to choose your outfit" "Would you like to go to the park or to the cinema" etc.

In general, unless he is actually suffering physically I would 'let' him think he has the control - in truth, he actually does and in a healthy person that's ok.

It sounds like you've done a fab job too

Hi Poogles - not sure I can be of much help, except to say ds1 is/was a bit like your ds.

He's 10 now and we've learned just to let him get on with how much he does/doesn't eat and to take the stress off eating as much as possible. Obviously there are some rules - he has to eat some veg/fruit before having a treat after meals, but if he wants to leave some food that's OK, if he wants toast/bread and butter as midday/mid-afternoon snacks that's good. We started getting lots of different kinds of things and offering them as between meal snacks - like crumpets/croissants/muffins, so that we knew he was eating something.

Interestingly, now he's 10, he's started to want to have a bigger/more muscly body! So for the first time he's started to ask for more food. He's also drinking more full fat milk which is brilliant. Even now, having put on a bit of weight, he's something like on the 30th centile, whereas before he was very skinny.

It's really difficult - our ds2 is like yours and just eats pretty much whatever we're having and great portions.

We stopped negotiating on how much food ds1 had to eat at mealtimes, just stuck to the veg/fruit rule - just to take the stress and pressure off as he was starting to choke on food and last year went through a few months of almost not being able to swallow - really distressing to him and us.

Good luck and keep going with a really calm approach and fingers crossed things start to change!

I think so long as he is eating I would say let him keep this control. It seems he is able to have a realistic idea of how much he is eating. particularly from the mcdonalds scenario you described I would be quite happy with that amount and still offer ice cream.

tbh, you sound like you're responding with controls of your own. Try backing off and like the other poster mentioned, say "that's nice" when he tells you he's having one fish finger and 5.5 chips, and ignore.

Oh dear, what a headache! Have you tried just puting the food on serving plates and letting everyone help themselves? Then just ignore the 'I will only eat 27 peas and half a chicken leg' conversation.

I have a ds like this too and totally agree that you just have to leave him to it. Look at the list of things you have tried and look at all the lovely attention he is getting for making a fuss.
I have adopted the ok darling enjoy tactic and it does pay off honestly. Not right away it did take a few weeks to really start seeing a difference. Ds is still extremely fussy and still only eats what he needs to get by and no more but he does eat now.
It has taken so much pressure and stress off everyone and what a weight has been lifted.
We do still have the odd time he tries to battle with us. The other day he didn't want what he had been given fir dinner and wanted me to replace it with bread and butter he had a bit of a moan got a bit cross while I told him once and once only that was his meal if he didn't eat it tough there was nothing else and left him to moan. A little while later he asked me to warm up his meal as he was hungry. That was for us a huge achievement for us and he ate it.
I know how hard and stressful it is to think your child won't eat but honestly ignore.
Also agree the McDonalds incident I would be happy with a child that age eating that amount of food he was only leaving a little.

our policy is to let our DS eat the amount he wants with no fuss or encouragement as it just creates the wrong attention. We know he eats less than the half the calories he should eat as has been referred to dieticians but our paediatrician always says if he sleeps throught the night and has energy in the day and is not significantly underweight for his height it is not a concern. I think the more you fuss the more they know how much you want them to eat and it just becomes a battle. I just accept that there will be high wastage. Obvioulsy if he is seriously underweght then you need a referral but otherwise dont worry. Let them have control over it as children who want to be in control need this feeling.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think it was the advice I was hoping for - I agree I'm probably worrying where I don't need to yet.

I wasn't worried by the amount of food that he ate at McDonalds, it was more the control aspect even with something he would usually polish off (especially as it was a late lunch due to the film!) IYSWIM.

It has been good to hear that others have DS's that have been the same and come (or are coming) out of the other side. When I spoke to a friend about my worries she told me not to be so silly as only girls have issues with food at this age!!

I think it is a control thing more than anything else. He has always known his own mind and been a bit stubborn like me but his control over food seems to have got worse since starting school. I maybe need to look at where he CAN have control so that he doesn't need to do it through food, but he already tends to do a lot such as pick his clothes (he goes through the Next directory and tells me things he will and won't wear!!).

I think the biggest think I need to change here is me. I will say 'there's your dinner dear' and change the subject. No more negotiations with the enemy giving attention over it!! Sounds so easy put like that...

Sounds good Poogles. I always strike up a "tell me 3 things about your day" type conversation when we're having tea. Anything to divert attention away from focussing on what exactly is/isn't being eaten!

Decided to do the 'no attention' approach last night and it went something like this when I gave DS his dinner:

DS - I'm not eating all of that.
Me - No problem, just eat what you want.
DS - I'm not hungry. I'm not eating any of it.

I then carried on a conversation with DH about something that happened at work and cleared the plates away when we had finished without saying anything about the fact that DS had not eaten a thing!

This morning, breakfast went like this:

Me - DS, would you like toast, cereal or crumpets for breakfast
DS - Crumpets please.
Me - (serves up 2 crumpets cut in half)
DS - (eats one half). I'm not eating any more.
Me - Fine. Would you like some milk?

Bloody hard to not engage especially when he went to bed without anything to eat and ate very little this morning but DS did seem to have a look of surprise that I had not said anything else and there was no battle. Will attempt to continue this calm & ignoring pattern & hope that I can report back with some progress soon.

Although I was stressed sending him to school having eaten very little, the atmosphere in the house was better this morning!

Keep a separate notebook with what he has eaten written down in it for your own piece of mind. How does he eat at school? school dinners? packed lunch?

Also be vigilant for food going 'missing' in case he tries to ramp up the attention seeking by pretending he's not eating.

You're doing great

Poogles that's brilliant! Really good - he'll be fine - he'll eat what he needs to keep going and if he's having milk that's great. It's incredibly hard and goes against all my your instincts, but it'll pay off in the long run. Offer him a crumpet or something when he gets home from school and keep going!

Had a set back at the weekend. DH entered into negotiations Friday night about eat so much & you can have dessert which set us back. Have had to do the whole 'if you are not hungry enough to eat what you've been given, fine but you are not having somehting else'. This resulted in DS not eating very much at all over the weekend (and becoming tired, grumpy & badly behaved as a consequence of being hungry).

Am feeling very stressed about how much he is eating (tried cooking his favourite to tempt him but to no avail!) but working hard on not letting it show. Will continue for another week and then regroup to see how we're getting on.

I don't see anything wrong in still offering pudding. It can just be a yoghurt or banana custard, nothing fancy. Otherwise you're bribing savoury food with sweet food therefore reinforcing savoury food as less desirable. Refusing to offer pudding is making a fuss.

Good point ruddy. The issue with DH was the negotiating with DS as it tells him he has power IYKWIM. Will state at the beginning of dinner tonight that tea is x and dessert is y. No further discussions to be had. He either eats it or he doesn't. No fuss and no attention. I do feel like DS is stating how much he will eat as a sort of argument starter and I think a PP had it spot on when she said about how much attention he was getting from it. Will withdraw the attention and see where that gets us.

I would give it more than a week if your stress levels can handle it. With ds it did take several weeks for him to realise I wasn't going to change my stance. I realised in the past I had tried soany different strategies that he had realised he was probably stronger willed than I was and give me enough time and I'd change my mind again. Keep it up. It's hard I know but it does get easier with baby steps. Pm me if you need to lay off a bit.

Thanks Ineedacleaner. You are probably right that it will need more than one week - DS is a stubborn sod very strong minded! Will be taking a lot of deep breaths over the next few weeks. Knowing you cracked it will keep me going! It's just so hard when you know they are hungry but are too stubborn to eat, especially when it affects their mood and behaviour...

Yes I agree it's going to take longer than a week as you all get used to the different approach - not just your ds!

We're months and years down the line with ds1 but this came up again last night - it does from time to time - and I found myself starting to negotiate with him... Dp had to remind me that we don't negotiate and if he's full and doesn't want to eat any more, that's that.

Good luck - keep going and keep strong

Ds has just turned 5 and tries this. I ignore it.

We had horrendous problems with his eating when he was littler - ate almost nothing but yogurt for a year, terrified of new foods etc. Therefore, I avoid all stress around meals now.

Sorry that sounded really twatty. What I meant is please keep going with the no comment thing, its honetly the only thing I've found which worked.

So interesting to read this thread - and the other thread on this section about fussy eaters. Some reallly varied views.

We have just had "one of those evenings" when DS was a phenomenal pain in the arse over his dinner.
Last year I decided to stop stressing about it all, realised that he was getting all the main food groups even if his diet was boring and repetitive.
I hated the conflict over food and much to my relief it was ok for quite some time.

But he has suddenly become difficult with food again. He wasn't eating any of his hot school dinners so I put him onto packed lunches after he begged me to. Now he isn't even eating them.
If we try something "adventurous" like combining the foods he likes into one dish he refuses to eat it and does that retching thing that makes me want to scream. He never tries anything new. And he is so bloody slow! He can take half an hour to eat one quarter of a sandwich.

I told him tonight that if he elects not to eat his meal then that is his decision - I don't care. I told him there would be nothing else coming his way. I hate the thought of him going to bed hungry tonight but I really feel the need to push responsibility for his eating onto him. Pandering to his every dietary whim really goes against the grain - we didn't have that luxury when we were kids. There was dinner - take it or leave it.

Thanks for sharing your stories - it helps to know I'm not the only one out there going through this.

Last night was great - DS even asked for a second helping! Goes to show that if he is REALLY hungry he will eat, although I wonder if it is because I wasn't there at tea time (late home from work and DS was on second bowl of pasta when I came in). Perhaps I'm over analysing.

Will keep going with the 'stress free' mealtimesand see if things improve!!

Good luck Poogles! I am not far down this road yet as DD is only 14mo, but has been horrendous since day 1! My gut instinct is that what you are doing is the right thing and I'll be checking back with interest to see how it's going. Last night sounds most encouraging. Maybe some of it is related to you, but who cares, if you stay firm on the withdrawal of attention, you'll get there in the end anyway I reckon.

I just wandered onto this thread as a friend has a similar issue, after similar health problems with her DS.

My friend's DS only seems to do the vocal, dramatic food-control thing when he's with her, and to a lesser degree, with her DH. He'll eat something in his packed lunch at school, and refuse the identical thing at home. The few times I've given him a meal, he might well not eat much, but he does it in a non-dramatic way, IYSWIM, as though he's genuinely eaten enough, and then just sits quietly at the table while the others finish. (Easy for me - he's not my kid, so I don't care if he eats anything.) Whereas with his mum, there's a lot of announcing that things won't be eaten. I did notice recently that she takes the opportunity during his meals to do a whole load of household jobs, and he wins her attention back by refusing to eat. And it works an absolute treat. I also suspect that her DS has quite different tastes in food from her - she keeps making his food blander and blander the less he eats, and he seems to like spicy food judging by the too strong curry we accidentally fed him.

I don't know if that's of any help, but you said you wnated to know about other boys of the same age with the same problem. I think you might be onto the right thing with the 'no fussing' approach.