On the verge of using controlled crying

[doblet]

DD is almost a year old and has always been a bad sleeper. She is EBF and we cosleep from 10.30ish when she wakes for a feed. From 6 mo she has been pretty good in the evenings but for the last month she has been waking up to 5 times between 7 and 10pm. I really want my evenings back and ideally my bed too. We have tried gradual retreat to get her to sleep in her cot but after 4 weeks of 3 hours sleep per night I gave up as couldn't bear her screaming and the lack of sleep any longer. So I went back to feeding to sleep and cosleeping. Obviously this is what she wants when she wakes in the evening but I am getting really pissed off. I don't really want to use cc but don't know what else to do

Is gradual retreat where you start off sitting by them then gradually move out of the bedroom? If so, have you tried walk in/walk out (baby whisperer) as an alternative? I.e. do normal bed-time routine, baby in cot, walk out. If starts crying, wait a short time (I did 20 seconds), go in, pat/lie baby down (this step is very brief, don't wait till she stops crying, its just so she knows you're there), walk out. Wait a short time, go in again. Repeat repeat repeat. Only start counting the 'waiting time' for proper distressed crying, not for grumbly type crying.

But if this is what you've already tried, sorry and please ignore! But thought it worth a suggestion rather than straight to cc. It worked for me, about 40 minutes the first night, after a week DD was going to bed with barely a grumble, and she didn't end up getting hysterical either.

Also just to add, I did this at around 9 months as my whole evening was spent upstairs settling DD. Once that was sorted, I then tackled night wakings and managed to cut it down to twice/night (we partially co-slept and EBF too).

If you try gradual retreat and you don't get anywhere then try CC.

We used CC when all else failed and within 3 nights the worst was over and it saved my sanity and very possibly my marriage too.

I know that it is frowned on by some, but sometimes you have to do what is best for the family as a whole rather than just for the baby. For us, it was more important to have some sleep, be able to function in the day, feel awake/alert whilst driving etc than to avoid CC for any upset it might cause the baby. It was well worth it TBH.

OP I'm sure you'll do what suits you and your family but just make sure you're happy with your choice.
I did CC for 30 mins tonite for the first time. DD is 14 months (EBF and partial co sleeper). I HATED it and am so upset with myself for doing it. She kept shouting 'mommy' and I didn't go to her. Eventually relented after 30 mins. Went into her room, wiped her tears and held her hand. She was asleep in 2 mins. For the first time since she was born, I didn't go with my instincts as a mother. I feel terrible and will never do that again.
I hope you find a solution that works for you.

There's a developmental spurt around this time (about 46 weeks ish iirc but obviously varies child to child) and it's killer. It always seems to affect sleep first. And it's roughly timed to coincide with them pulling up and making the move towards being upright and properly mobile. Getting themselves up on two feet and walking takes monumental amounts of brainwork. And you find that children going through this spurt wake v frequently especially at the beginning of the night, they seem frustrated and angry, maybe a bit confused. They stand up, sometimes even while still sleeping and struggle to lie down and relax. It's their brains forcing them to practise this vital skill. They're exhausted by it and as frustrated as we are. You chuck in teething and separation anxiety on top of this and it can be such a tough time. For everybody.

I know all this doesn't help per se but sometimes it's easier to handle knowing why it's happening and sympathising with how hard they're finding it too. IMHO, you do whatever you can to get you and them through it. I'm no fan of cc at all and would never do it myself so can't comment. But I do know that if you do what you can to get through it, it does pass and it is normal. I always tried to change what I was doing rather than mess with the developmental norms of a baby. So I coslept and bf and calmed and soothed however I could until it naturally passed. Which it did.

The CC debate is something that people will never agree on. Some swear by it, others don't like it. I am not a fan but that is just my personal stance.

I wonder though, if CC followed by cosleeping for part of the night is a sort of mish-mash of approaches that might send confusing messages to your DD?

I still co-sleep with my 5 year old and 2 year old. My opinions on cc are pretty obvious.

We did cc with dd when she was about 15 months, and it worked a miracle! Having been previously unable to ever settle herself to sleep (always bfed to sleep, I know, I know, but this stopped working), after 4 nights of cc, she was settling herself within a few minutes, and has done so ever since (now 21 months). Like others have said, cc went against all my instincts, and it was hard, but it saved my sanity! For weeks I was spending all evening trying to settle her to sleep, and by the time she was asleep (usually laying on our bed), the evening was gone. I wasn't even eating properly as a result. So I think you have to look at the wider picture, at what's best for the whole family in the long term. We now know that once she's asleep, we won't hear from her until morning (barring illness/teething), meaning dh & I can have the occasional night out & know the babysitter won't have to deal with her.

The responses are split, just like my mind!
Thank you for the reminder re developmental spurts. She was a nightmare when she learnt to crawl and is now on the verge of walking so looks like I will have to be super patient

We actually did it for 20 minute intervals...
It does work op but it is hard to listen to the crying. If you are going to do it, make sure you actually time it properly, one minute can easily feel like five!
Good luck

Showofhands - love your post. Made me realise what's going on with my DD in the evenings right now - spot on!

OP I tried CC with my DS when he was a baby and lasted about half an hour before I caved and took him in with me to co-sleep. I felt so awful and for me personally how could I do this to him. It was tiresome for him and us but he just settled when I settled. I responded to his cries as I couldn't bear it - but that's my own experience. He now aged 2.5m sleeps happily in his toddler bed from 7-7. I never thought this would happen believe me. But it does

jergens, theenchantedhood and others please read strandedbear's message re controlled crying - it is NOT cry it out. It is a way of controlling the crying, you do NOT leave them to get hysterical, you do NOT leave them crying for ages as that would be cruel - its similar to the baby whisperer walk in walk out, you listen to the crying and judge the spaces where you let them cry on their own by your own child, the general rule is:

5mins crying - 3 mins in room cuddle/settle/shush pat LEAVE
10 mins crying - 3 mins in room cuddle/settle/shush pat LEAVE
15mins crying - 3 mins in room cuddle/settle/shush pat LEAVE
then subsequent 15min intervals. This is NOT leaving them to cry for ages and ages, you comfort them and let them know you are there. they learn to settle themselves this way, knowing that you will be popping in to comfort/help as well. :) hope this helps, as the confusion is what makes CC cruel!

So by your own post that is nearly am hour of crying with just short breaks of comfort? That really does seen cruel to me whatever you call it. Babies don't have a sense of time or even the ability to know you will ever come back. 15 minutes of crying away from mummy is still too long for me:-(

it starts with 5mins or if you read Toddler Taming (the chap who invented CC) the intervals can be whatever you think you or your baby can stand! its entirely up to you. When I did it I did 2-5m intervals if you're interested, and it still only took about 3 nights before he settled himself very very happily, that was at 11m approx and he's a very happy 2.2 year old who rarely if ever wakes in the night now, but when he does I'm in there like a shot as its likely to be illness rather than crying for crying sake now! he sleeps 7-8 like a dream :)