Why is DD so horrible to DH?

[DashingRedhead]

I should start by saying this ISN'T a stepfather situation. DD (5) has always had these really bitchy phases with DH. I've never understood why, nor has he. She is unbelievably clingy with me - can't work that one out either - and is very dependent. Goes into hysterics about being left to play on her own for a few minutes, shouts 'I want someone to look after me' and is a real cling-on.

It drives me mad for myself because it's always Mummy, Mummy, Mummy do whatever it is and meltdown if I don't. Quite often it ends up being meltdown and we just leave her to it (complete hysteria over who is going to put her socks on). And it bothers me in several ways for DH, he ends up always wondering what he's doing wrong, does she not love him, etc and just feeling really sad. He is a GREAT dad, much less grumpy than I am and has been really hands-on since the minute she was born. But we always seem to be threatening her just to get compliance with reasonable requests. I have tried the opposite tack of encouraging her good behaviour but that doesn't seem to work. She just gets totally princess-drama queen and demands everything. She absolutely dotes on Grandpa (my DF) and my parents have been very involved in childcare. But that does not explain her attitude to DH.

She is very precocious verbally but very cautious physically. Loves school for example and showing off at assembly but won't just run around in the playground, needs someone to organise it for her. She is also a weirdly slow eater, which also drives us both round the bend. We've tried lots of different strategies with that too.

I think she is quite needy, but I can't get to the bottom of it. This behaviour predates my working full-time and the birth of DS (2). She has always been inclined to take out her bad tempers on Daddy. Today she refused to kiss him goodnight, which came out of exactly nowhere. This happens often. And I have just had enough. We try really hard to make sure he gets to do nice things with her, to redress this but it doesn't work. Why on earth would a 5yo refuse to kiss Daddy goodnight for no reason?

Sorry for ranting on and on, but this is really getting us both down and I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. When I first read your title, I guessed maybe she was mirroring some behaviour she has seen. Such as treating Daddy the way others do at home. But what you say about the socks and the slow eating make me wonder whether it's her way of controlling the situation and refocusing attention back to her.

I would tell her who will be getting her dressed that day, for example, and explain that if she doesn't like it, she'll need to get herself dressed. It gives her a choice, but both outcomes are on your terms. Also I would introduce a timer during meals, and whatever is uneaten within your agreed timeframe (say, 25 mins), goes in the bin. No big fuss made, just explain that is how it is.

If she doesn't fancy kissing daddy, maybe a high five or blowing a kiss might do the trick?

Good luck!

Trala, I asked myself if it was to do with my attitude to DH, but I really don't think so. We have our ups and downs like any couple with small kids but I don't think it would justify the way she behaves.

Wondering if she's spoilt...

Is your grumpiness pronounced, or are you just being off-the-cuff about being marginally less sunny than your DH? If you are grumpy, her clingyness to you could be about that - she's more afraid of losing your good regard than your DH's. Also, she might be afraid of discharging her negative feelings and ambivalences with you but using DH to soak them up - rejecting him when she feels rejected, etc. Can you Playful Parent around those moments with DH? And consider playing Mummy, Daddy and DD dolls with her to get her to tell you why she refuses to kiss him goodnight, etc? Speaking as a control freak of occasionally epic proportions, controlling behaviour is usually constructed around anxiety - if you can work out what she's anxious about, you can probably knock the behaviour on the head more easily than if you just try to coax/ reward/ punish her out of it.

That's really interesting sparkly...

Reading the thread is like our family 3 years in the future. I keep hoping that DD is going to grow out of it, but she's nearly 2.5 and shows no sign of letting up.

I'm a lot less tolerant with her (not so much in a stern way, more that her constant clingy ness irritates me), and DH is always trying to get her affection/attention. It hadn't occurred to me that this might be compounding it.

How do u reverse that though? I can't go overboard with the praise and affection because I would never be able to keep it up long enough (she would gladly have me all to herself 24/7).

I feel really sorry for DH because he adores her, and he tries so hard, but she is horrid to him most of the time, unless I'm not around.

Any tips gratefully received :)

Hmm, I'm no expert - but I reckon if you want to get rid of clingyness, your DD needs to be absolutely sure as sure can be you are not going anywhere, whatever she does. That might not need so much praise, but you might be on 24/7 duty for a couple of weeks while you convince her. I would guess it was a question of making her feel unconditionally acceptable which would mean stuff like never turning her away crossly or irritably, giving the attention she wants wherever possible and without resentment, and being consoling when you can't ('I know you're disappointed, darling). Time outs would not be a good strategy for discipline, either.s I have to take the lead with my DS if I've been out without him and go to him with hugs saying I missed him - he does this quiet uncertainty thing if I don't which turns into a bit of a sulk.

I'm so not into overboard praise, it strikes me as BS and did as a child (I asked my mum to stop calling me a 'good girl') but I am always saying to DS 'I saw you do x' and if he's done something like put the bricks away I say stuff like 'All these bricks have been put away and the floor is clear'.

Most important, I would think, would not to be censorious of even the most unappealing of attitudes - it's not a question of 'giving in' to every whim but being sympathetic to how overwhelming frustration, anger, etc. are. So for example, my DS hates getting his shoes on, but I always put them on to go out. I don't give in to his temper about it, I don't placate him ('but you need them for the park') but I do sympathise with his frustration ('oh this makes you feel so cross, darling, I can see) while I'm putting them on.

Thanks so much Sparklyboots. We had a day together yesterday when I could take a day off work and she had an inset day. DH was at work and DS was at nursery. Dramatic improvement in behaviour! Still clingy, not sure we're ever going to solve that one, but more relaxed about everything else.

I do very specific praise and particularly try to focus on what she's learning well at school because although she loves it, she sometimes gets sad that she's not with mummy all the time (though she was at nursery part-time for years!).

It made me less grumpy as well and after the words of wisdom here, I feel much more positive and that I can handle her better and make us all happier.

Thanks everyone. FSB - if your situation develops like mine, you know who to ask.