3.3 yr old totally out of control - at our wits end.

[MrsArchchancellorRidcully]

Our 3.3 yr old DD has been a complete nightmare in the past few weeks. there is a reason for it, we know, as DS arrived almost 4 weeks ago so we expected some bad behaviour etc and want to support her through this time but her behaviour is just out of control.

She is currently screaming and shouting and will not go to bed. This is over an hour past her bedtime. She is out of nappies so keeps asking for a wee and a poo, generally as an excuse to get out of bed but she knows we will come and see to her in case she wets the bed.
She will not listen to anything we say, screams, shouts, kicks, punches and is generally totally unacceptable. We have tried everything we can think of - reward charts, naughty step, consequences but nothing works. She loses her toys and doesn't care, she loses tv watching and doesn't care, we put her on the naughty step and she runs off - we return her again and again but DS feeds every 2 hours atm (and takes up to an hr to feed) so just don't have the time to return her for 30/40mins, we have shouted, we have been ice cold, we have encouraged, we have made time for her, we tell her we love her, we go through with everything we say we will. Nothing works.
She has always been a runner and this has got worse so we have to drag her around on reins as she refuses to hold hands. She grabs for things in shops like an 18m old.

I am not expecting perfection and we don't smack (never would) but we are running out of patience and I am sick and tired of her and just don't know what else to do, especially how to deal with the getting out of bed for a wee/poo.

Help?

Um - Christmas holidays and new baby?

Dont all kids go mad during the festivities? (Mine do anyhoo)

And don't go to shops.

Take it or leave it...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My DS1 did something similar when DS2 arrived. To be honest, it took us about 6 months to properly come out the other side of it, although lots of love and attention did help. It must be so hard for them, having been the centre of your world their whole lives, to suddenly find that they have (to their mind) been usurped by the new baby. DS1 used to have a full on paddy every time I breastfed DS2.

Hang on in there. Try not to blame her for her reaction (and definitely don`t blame yourselves). Find time (I know it is not easy) to do special things with her. We have a book of art / craft projects and I used to prepare them at night then try to find 1/2 an hour each day to do one with DS1 - he was a changed boy during these spells of having ny complete attention.

She sounds like a typical child of this age with the added bonus of tired parents with other demands on them.

I agree she probably needs some tlc and special time for her as it coukd be her way of getting the attention she needs, however you and your Dh need a plan of action too with things ( not threats) that you can logistically follow through.

Is there anything she can be included in to raise her status to big sister? Getting you a feeding pillow/ stroking baby/ passing wipes etc.?

Reward charts are probably not immediate enough. For bad behaviour you can assume that what ever she is doing right that second is what she wants, so swift removal of that followed by swift replacement should behaviour improve for even a second can be very powerful. You'd be surprised at what works. With ds and dd it can be as simple as 'stop that or you can no longer sit on that part of the sofa/use that fork/crayon/wear that cardigan. Whatever is currently happening at the time.

When you first do it it will be met with tantrums so introduce these things when you have the energy to follow things through and try hard not to confront or ask her to do something when you obviously can't do anything about it if she doesn't. Aim to reduce incidences of defiance by both your own behaviour as well as hers.

Hope that has given you some ideas. As you know I have a dd the same age as yours and and slightly older ds with ASD (which means I've learned at least a billion parenting/behaviour management strategies.

It probably all seems out of control and worse than it is simply because you are tired and life is tough ATM.

Thanks for the replies - mostly very helpful.

I have tried to take a step back tonight and reflect on how we deal with her. I have made an effort to include her with the baby and to spend time with her doing stuff she likes. I also give her hugs and kisses and comfort, especially when she is upset.
It's very difficult to get the balance right though - ie knowing what to ignore and what needs dealing with. She will scream in the face of DS and I guess what I should do is pick him up and walk away but that is difficult when I've just got him settled to sleep! DP is also more of a disciplinarian than me. He feels if we let her get away with stuff now, she'll grow up needing an asbo in the future!

He agrees with no smacking and tries hard not to shout but neither of us manages not to shout all the time. Problem is, I'd ignore stuff he would want to deal with, so that will be confusing for DD and I can't tell him how to behave with her. It's hard.

I do know I am miserable in the way I am dealing with her and I am sad that she is upset more than she is happy atm. I also feel bad for being glad that she returns to nursery next week when I should be missing her :(
I will give your suggestions a try starlight of immediate removal/swift return. i think we've been removing things but making her work hard to get things back. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Mrs Don't be too hard on yourself. The whole family has to adjust and it isn't easy. Having a newborn probably makes you reflect more on your general standard of parenting but if you can remember this period is simply about surviving.

Hope it gets better soon.

another thing i'd try is giving her more control around the house - let her choose activities, stories, tv show, dinner menu, cereal, if she wants to phone a grandparent/auntie for a chat, the route you walk to the park/shop etc etc.

try to pre empt bad behaviour - for example on the way into sainsburys today - for a big shop - i let my 3 yr old dd and 4 yr old ds choose a dvd each to carry round and buy as an advance reward for their good behaviour on the trip lol and they pretty much cherished it for the whole trip round the shop.

try to identify trigger times - e.g. bedtime, shopping, when you're on the phone etc., and give her lots of prep for each one - start the warnings e.g. "you know it'll be bedtime in an hour, is there anything else you want to do today before sleeptime? tell me now before it's too late!" really early; and only use one parent (alternate nights if poss and be totally consistent) so that the other one sa es energy for the next night!!

good luck - i remember feeling like my ds had turned into a monster - beacuse I had ruined his life by having another baby - when my ds was small. it was horrid! chant the age old adage: this too shall pass...

My dd is younger but we have had a similar trying 2 months while DD adjusted to arrival of DS.

She and we are just coming out of the "everythings gone to pot" phase now. DS is 9 weeks, dd has been mostly an angel this last week, I'm less stressed as am more used to having two now.

Dd was not at all interested in "being a big girl" - in fact she wanted to be babied. She was such a pain it was very hard to like her at times. What did work well was saying "I love you dd" - not sth I ever said before but now I make sure I tell her every bedtime ! She likes it and says it back.

To her credit she was always v sweet to baby DS even when she was raging at us. I think she knew it wasn't his fault!