7 yr old socially inept

[parentinprogress]

My DD is chatty, polite, uses manners, is reasonably calm in public, can sit quietly when needed, will talk to new adults and usually makes friends easily (on parks etc) BUT when in social situations with familiar children (cousins, family friends, school pals) she just loses it!!! Last night she had a total meltdown at new year screaming and running from the room (despite having been given "exit stratergy- if its too much quietly leave and Mum will slip out after you) as you can imagine this rather spoiled the moment. Yes its late at night but all the other kids were well behaved. Birthday parties are nightmare as she "kicks off" when the cake comes out, any partygame or speech causes the same bursting into tears (loudly) and making a break for it. I can't remember the last time I saw a neice or parent blow out candles/ make a speech/ open presents/ have a first dance at a wedding as DD is screeching in a corner.
Is this extreme attention seeking? She hates beig centre of attention yet kicks off so all eyes are on her.
I have had enough. Every invite fills me with dread.

what is her interaction skills like, does she do eye contact,

Is this the only situation in which she has difficulty? What is she like in social situations at school? how does she manage new places, experiences, going to noisy shopping centres etc?
Could it be a noise issue- for example she just gets overwhelmed with too much auditory information?

Yes. She does eye contact, is able to talk about emotions after event (but never shows regret just embarrassment) When she did it at 2/3 I would have said "terrible twos" or jealousy but she hasn't grown out of it. She is an only child, with 2 parents in a happy relationship, we show her love, she isn't spoilt by tons of material things but dosen't go without. She has lots of cousins/ family friends with kids (although she is often the oldest kid in the room) and went to nursery when I worked part time. She is not "naughty" but seems to save her badness for the most public/memorable occasions!!!!

She hates clapping....... and cheering. Just managed to do cinema this year. Noise issue? That could be it. She seems to dread the singing at parties. Was fine in school play though.

what is the worse trigger.
what is she like at home when you have visitors

what about loud music or shouting etc

School play might have been ok as she would have been able to anticipate what was going to happen and so deal with it.
As worried said what is the worst thing that sets her off?
How does she react to police car on the street/ unexpected noises?
Any other little quirks she has?

My DSS used to do this around the same age - it was as though he was extremely self conscious that anyone would see him expressing emotion at a celebration, plus didn't like to see others shows of emotion - would even hide from weepy moments on television. He did grow out of it at around 9/10.

Think a medical view might be needed - could you have a chat with GP?

She has lots of quirks! All kids do I think but with her it seems to be things that she knows will happen so builds them up in her mind. (happy birthday, big ben, receiving a prize if she wins something) When the time comes she is so uptight she explodes. We have wandered off to the toilet at birthday parties to avoid the cake, we have left shows just as they finish to avoid the cheering, we have gone to help in the kitchen at speech time etc. These are all avoidance rather than helping her deal with it so we can fully enjoy our family life.

I am pushing for a hearing assessment thru school so the "noise issue" struck a chord with me.

she also spends a lot of time pretending to be a dragon or dog!
I have worked with several autistic children and can see traits in DD but a lot of the time she is fine.
Part of me would welcome a diagnosis so I can say "This is how she is . If you don't like it, don't invite us"

A lot of quirks is not an indicator of any issues but might be useful parts of a jigsaw to builld a picture if she does have a problem.
The hearing assessment may come back that she has no difficulties with hearing.
However, that would not exclude that she doesn't have difficulty with regulating incoming sounds. e.g. what is your response to hearing nails on a blackboard; for most people its instinctive flinching. Personally I could do it all day long as I have difficulty processing high frequency sounds so I dont'hear' it the same as others.
A chat with your GP is probably a good idea. She sounds lovely as you say she is well able to make friends with adults and other children and she has enough insight to be embarrassed. But I would consider whether she has Auditory Processing issues.

Sorry x posted. If you are familiar with children who are on the Autistic Spectrum then you will know that some often have issues with noise even though their hearing is fine.
She could have a noise/sensory issue but not be on the spectrum iykwim

thanks everyone. Its good to chat to outsiders who haven't a) been horrified by her screams or b) been charmed by her lovely chats!
My husband is finding this whole situation really hard. He is usually(not always- he is quite hands on) looking at other peoples reactions while I am comforting DD.

i agree with wannabe (sorry wannabe seem to agree with you alot) have a word with a dr as she does seem to have issues with noise. Write a list of noises that she is uncomfortable with, and how she responds. Also about the pretend play they will be able to advise or refer you to someone but making a list will help as it will be more comprehensive

And I agree with you worried! The pretend play could be significant as part of the overall picture- what would interest me is whether she is being a dragon/dog to play with producing high/low frequency sounds herself which would be excellent strategising on her part.

If I was meeting her professionally she would be really interesting but when she is your own its very upsetting!

My oldest son is very sensitive to noise. It took me ages to find out .

For example, he loves his karate but started to be difficult and refusing to go, kicked off and got very emotional. I could not understand it at all. Turns out he finds the bit where all the kids run riot in the beginning, before the Sensei takes control, very distressing (20 kids running around shrieking). We now always go 5 mins late to avoid this and he's fine. He finds birthday parties hard too (can lose the plot around the end, ie cake time), if there is a lot of noise. He flinches a fair bit if I take him to the cinema (noise) or somewhere busy (bowling alley. soft play).

He is not autistic, he just is a lot more sensitive to noise than most people. He really suffered from the low level noise disruption at school when he was in a class of 36. He just cannot concentrate or think if there is too much noise around him, and it makes him distressed and prone to crying.

He is getting a bit better about it every year though.

Saying that, he did have a Social Emotional IEP at school for not being able to deal well with his emotions. I guess in a way he may be just off the spectrum but closer than the majority IYSWIM.

Try talking to your DD, and tell her it is o.k. to feel anxious, but she has to learn how to cope with her feelings (maybe taking time out)... I found my DS really needed someone to listen and understand WHY he freaked out. Instead of getting cross I would sit down and let him talk about his frustrations (suppressing my anger at how HARD it was to do normal things! I do get where you are coming from)

Yes I totally agree- it is one thing to pull together the 'interesting ' information on a child that you have a professional involvement with/detachment from. On the other hand, the emotions of seeing your own struggle.........
From my own experience I would say never try to be your own child's professional- that way madness lies. Let others take over and advise- even if its an area that you are experienced with.

i agree with wannabe again sorry
it might also be useful to have a friend/somebody else who has witnessed your daughters behaviour for them to write down what they think caused reaction and reaction was as sometimes it can be different from yours and they might notice something that you have not. This then gives dr a more clearer picture of what is happening alsong with your own list. I also think we find it more upsetting and embrassing than the people around us because it is our kids. if that makes sense

sometimes we are to close to home so to speak

it all makes sense . Chandon your experience seems similar to mine. thanks everone. on a positive note- she has just come back from kids birthday party at indoor play centre and had good time "i even stayed for the birthday singing".