Things that distress 3.5yr DS - normal?

[DitheringNinny]

I hope I'm being a bit paranoid, but I've been wondering lately about some of the seemingly unpredictable things that seem to upset DS (3.5 yrs). A few examples in recent months:

• I had my hair cut. DS was fine until DH innocently remarked "do you like mummy's new hair style". Cue DS meltdown, sobbing, tears, shouts of "take the new hair OFF" and trying to pull my hair from my head...

• DS came downstairs one morning to see ONE new (small) Christmas decoration. I explained what it was and told him it would be Xmas soon, cue sobbing, tears, shouting "take it back to the shop" etc.

• DH tried to take a photo of everyone using grandad's camera. DS got upset because it is "grandad's camera and daddy can't use it". We had to give up on the photos in the end, since no one really wanted xmas photos of DS in tears anyway!

• Sometimes receiving xmas cards sets him off. He gets upset and tries to throw them in the bin.

There are many more examples I could give, since DS has been doing this since he was about 1. I was hoping he'd have outgrown it by now as he's old enough to reason with, but when DS gets upset I don't think he listens to anything I say to him. Often the more I talk to explain or calm him down the more distressed he gets.

So is this just a phase? He's not having these meltdowns many times a day (although they do happen a lot more often when he is ill or overtired), maybe an average of 1 or 2 every couple of weeks?

It sounds a lot like my DD when she was a similar age- she liked things to happen in a certain way, in accordance with her understanding of the world... and things such as Christmas that were out of the norm upset her more than excitrd her tbh. She grew out of it though- by 4, she was definitely excited by the prospect of Christmas, far more than she was perturbed by the interruption to normal routine.
She is a child that still likes to know, and follow the rules IYSWIM, but not obsessively so.
If he's dropping his nap, that may be contributing to it via tiredness too?

I'm sure the excitement of Christmas has probably made things a bit worse, but his little meltdowns aren't always xmas-themed - although I realise my examples make it seem that way! It's just that they're the most recent ones I can think of. DS for the most part has really enjoyed Christmas and been very excited about it.

Other examples include:

• anybody other than me going to him if he wakes up at night (although this is likely my fault since I've never sleep trained him).

• Suggesting that he gets out of bed at night (recently his nappy leaked and I needed to change him and his bedding). DS gets very distressed at the idea of leaving his bed at night, because "night time is for sleeping". It took well over 30 minutes to calm him down and stop the sobbing & screaming last time until he finally agreed to get out.

DS actually dropped his naps when he was 2.5 yrs (damn gro-clock backfired, "people don't sleep at daytime" etc.). I wasn't convinced at the time he was ready to stop them, but it did have the advantage of making his bedtime a bit more regular & predictable. Now I think DS is probably fine without a nap. He usually only gets over-tired (crashes at about 4ish) if he's had a bad night previously.

Also when DS gets into a state, he quite often goes a little bit "wild". It's not unusual for him to try to hit me or DH or throw his toys about. Any other time, DS is perfectly pleasant - he's not a hitter/biter/pusher at all and has never harmed another child even when provoked by being on the receiving end.

I just wonder if I'm handling these meltdowns ok? There is no doubt in my mind that his distress is genuine, so punishment doesn't seem appropriate, although I am firm if he hits or throws toys. Otherwise I just try to calm him down as best as I can, which more often than not means minimal talking, sometimes a bit of holding and wating until he gets it out of his system.

DD is just over 3 and also hates change of any sort or things not happening as she expects, though she's usually fairly easily distracted out of total meltdown.

How to Talk so Kids Listen is an amazing book with some fantastic tantrum-taming ideas.

Thanks, I'll check that book out.