Talk to me about an active cheeky 2 year old and behaviours

[atiredmum]

Hi all,

I've really come on here for some support because I'm finding my 2 yr 8 month old pretty hard work and I'm losing confidence with my parenting and find the dynamics are leaving us feeling a bit negative.

Some background. DS is number 3 in our family. My older two kids are physically confident, they will sit down and watch things and play pretend, colour draw but also keen to get outdoors or burn off energy. All three are more interested in playing with each other than what we are doing.

Number 3 was a very good baby but from the moment he could move/walk he wanted to be part of everything. Often wanting to do things above his years or comprehension.

Obviously through the Xmas period we've been a bit busier than usual and the older two have been off school so less one on one time.

What is starting to worry me is that I don't seem to be able to influence positive behaviour at times. He's extremely cheeky and destructive. (The other two regress sometimes and join in things that really they have already gone through and grown out of. (almost to get some attention along with number 3)) Number 3 sometimes has a big grin on his face as he is doing something that is wrong whether it is knocking cards down, grabbing a toy, messing up a game, running off. He completely ignores requests and is avoiding eye contact so that he can continue to zone out and do what he wants. Today I tried waiting until he "looked at me" before I told him what he needed to do as I noticed that he would be a whirlwind until I made this extra effort to get him to hear the instruction / request. This thing with eye contact is bothering me because I do believe that he is racing away and not staying calm enough for things to sink in or for me to engage in some positive chat and distraction. I see other 2 year olds that seem happy to stand or sit with parents etc. Pre-school have days with him where he just choses to ignore their requests. The way he ignores is what worries me. We also go through periods where he cries a lot. He (and I) hate school runs). He gets very annoyed if he has to go from car to pushchair back to car etc, he loves to go on something he can ride but that's at break neck speed and with his listening skills hard work.

I want to add that I do have times that he will be lovely to be around it's just they are out weighed by the battles at the moment. It's like he has split personalities. Exhausting!

I suppose my main question would be is how do I engage him and get him focused on me and my voice when he's so physical. I feel I'm missing something with this one, is it just less and less attention and he gets away with more as I'm more thinly spread... Any thoughts welcomed.

p.s I do believe that between now and school in 2013 it's for me to develop these skills that will be important for school. I was thinking that using something like swimming lessons would help him. He's confident in the water but waiting turns and the structure of a lesson will help him and attending more playgroups would be a good thing. I feel that pre-school are almost waiting for him to get older before they get stricter. Obviously it's important to think about how I am with him and how I engage him with non-physical things.....

My DS2 is 2 years 3 months and sounds like yours - very physical, desperate to join in with his older siblings (he's also number 3), and not very good at listening!

I don't have a magic solution, but it sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things - eye contact, trying to use your voice to calm him rather than shout at him etc. I do swimming lessons with my DS2, also a toddler music class which he loves and he is always as good as gold in these classes.

Remember he's still very young - as you say, there is plenty of time for him to calm down a bit before he starts school!

Marking my spot for some tips for ds3 who is almost 2 (going on 4)

Thanks for your response. It's so good to hear I'm not alone.

Honestly, I can't believe the difference in DS since the summer where I still wondered what difference it made he was number 3. I wasn't worried but I was aware that he wasn't talking in as many sentences as the other 2 were and he wasn't ready to be potty trained. I was almost sceptical when people talked of number 3's picking up everything and anything from older siblings. 4 months later he copies so much. Just need him to listen to me now!

I have no answers but much empathy!! This is very relevant topic in our house right now.

DS2 (3 in Feb) has become quite a handful, cheeky, naughty and no matter what I do seems to be getting worse. However in contrast it only seems to be with me and DP, at nursery and childminders there is no problem. Mealtimes have become a battlefield (to stop him climbing on the table etc) and DS1 (4yo) hates that we rarely do puzzles, play snakes & ladder type games because little brother can be so naughty. DS1 is also regressing into toddler behaviour, probably competing for attention, and when the two of them are going off it quite frankly really is the pits. Whilst I try to stay calm and deal with the situation (distraction, removal from the area, lots of fresh air) I invariably end up snapping and shouting which only makes them sad, me crabby and DP stressed.

The last month with all the hype up to Christmas (which I have tried to limit as much as poss, but nursery and school can make this a bit tricky) has been especially bad. Its sad as it makes it hard for me to enjoy them when they are being good, I have to really talk myself back into a good humour.

Our (last resort) next step is a proper star chart with two simple but clear "tasks" 1) eating and sitting nicely at table 2) getting un/dressed without fuss and for DS2 and extra 3) no throwing toys etc. Boys off to morning at childminder tomorrow (to give us a short break) and will be presented with this on their return. The rewards will be the many food treats given to them for Christmas by rellies (should at least make these last longer!!)

Take heart though, they will eventually grow out of it. I remember the terrors my twin brothers were and they are now (mostly) nice, kind human beings though I am seriously reconsidering having the wanted 3rd child

Oh yes motherwombat I know exactly what you mean about not being able to play games with DS1 because DS2 keeps destroying them! I think snakes & ladders is a step too far, but the way we manage with puzzles is to get out two, a baby one for DS2 and a big boy one for DS1, and do them in parallel. Might that work for you?

So DH and I decided to be firm this morning. 2 year old went to time out for breaking up jigsaw puzzle. It took forever to get him to sit quietly but he did it and has been a little more containable. He did end up back there for filling up a cup with water and throwing it over his 7 year old sister, which he did to his brother yesterday but he did calm down, after lunch he asked for a story which he actually sat still for when I said I would close the boy if he kept mucking, being silly and also was being stroppy all within 3 minutes. Reading other threads has helped me loads today and reminded me that we probably did go through similar things with the first two but now have rose tinted glasses!

pps. the eye contact thing is really important. I read on another thread how boys especially will not give it if they are in trouble. I'm practising getting more eye contact generally and I do think this helps both of us get closer again through the frustration of the terrible twos.

My daughter is 2yr 1mth and has suddenly turned into a nightmare child! She was always so good but now it's a constant battle to control tantrums and destructive behaviour, and getting her to sit still to eat seems to be a complete impossibility! Also she can suddenly be really nasty to her 17mth old cousin by pushing her, hitting her, biting so hard it bruises, and pulling her hair!

We use the naughty corner/timeout which does seem effective, and she is in a good routine. I'm just fed up of life being a constant battle, I want to enjoy time with my daughter again.

Is this normal behavior for her age?

jojo. I think you will come across some parents that will say "my child never did anything like that". I think that a lot of it depends on the child, personality and parents. I've got three. Number 1 and 3 are similar in personality and the middle one is nothing like the other two. Of course he had his moments through the twos (threes) and we sometimes have little blips but the other two do seem more spirited. Now this is the thing, I was writing this post and it sounds like the middle one is a dream but actually he was the one that pinched at around 18 months just to get reactions, you forget really quickly and omit some of the difficulties without remembering.

Number 1 at 2 was very spirited and wanted to do things her way. She would cry for 45 minutes if I accidentally flushed the toilet and she hadn't. She never hurt another child. She could get overstimulated by noise and needed lots and lots of sleep otherwise my life wasn't worth living. People think that's good it's not when you are kindy age etc. She is still pretty spirited, can get overwhelmed but isn't afraid to start new things or put herself forward, she's caring and we have nice times together. She was good at not touching adult things. Very fussy with food. She's pretty normal now.

Number 2 - at 2 I had to follow him everywhere when around other children just in case he pinched (he only did it a couple of times but that was bad enough). We used positive praise for how we wanted him to be with others and lots of reminders of what we wanted "gentle hands" He hit the car with a hammer but on the whole wasn't destructive on a daily basis. Although I do remember some make up and zinc stick adventures. He was harder at 3. Then it was more just not listening and I'd say that sometimes crops up at at home now. Not fussy with food. It definitely felt easier than it was with number 1.

Number 3 - He hasn't hit other children but does his siblings if frustrated. He is destructive daily, he battles me but it feels different to how it was with number 1 but I'm not sure why. He doesn't care what he breaks. He is rude (blows raspberries when being told off). Cries sometimes and I haven't a clue why or why he's so grumpy. On the other hand he can behave well enough for people to comment he's a good boy. He has the best manners out of all three of them.

It really is phases and personalities. Positive parenting really helped me through the terrible two's the first time around and magic 123 was another help. I clearly remember struggling when the first two were 3.5 and 2 and needed lot of support because it did feel like a battle. I'm not sure if we have parenting courses over here but I found them so valuable because I could share and explore different thoughts and feelings with other mums and find solutions. It really isn't forever!

Hi Jojo

I agree with atiredmum - your daughter's behaviour sounds normal for her age - it won't last forever but they do go through these phases at times.

My DS1 was not an easy baby as he was a bad sleeper and was very active - a real climber. Since the age of 2 he has got gradually easier and easier to deal with. My DD on the other hand was a dream baby - amazing sleeper, good feeder, very chilled out and rarely cried. But since turning 3 she has been more challenging - whining, tantrums etc. She's also now a fussier eater than the other two. DS2 is the most independent and sociable of the three, but he went through a phase of hurting other children, which neither of my other two did - I found this very stressful, so I do sympathise with you!

Keep being firm and consistent about her bad behaviour. Don't expect magic results as she is still a bit young for effective discipline. It's a phase she is going through - it will get better eventually so hang in there!

Hello mumsnet! ive just signed up, thankyou, i have a 2yr 6month old little boy who is a one boy wrecking machine, he has a room full of toys, my undivided attention and only wants to play with things he knows he shouldnt ie plug sockets, toilets, dog food etc, have been reading other moms accounts and im soooo thankfull! im not alone my little boy seems to be displaying normal toddler behaviour!!!!!