9 month old will only fall asleep on me!

[Katie28]

Hi! I have a little girl who is almost 3 now. She was a terrible sleeper and although we eventually cracked night times (albeit she only slept through for the first time at 2 years old!) she never napped during the day without me taking her out in the car first. I think this stemmed from her being breastfed and always falling asleep on me. Then when she stopped bf in the day she didn't know how to fall asleep on her own hence the car was my only option (or so I felt at the time!)

Anyway I now have a 9 month old son and the same thing is happening. Can anyone offer me any help on ways to get him to nap in his cot in the day or to sleep through the night without leaving him to cry? He currently bf twice during the day and each time he falls asleep on me and has 45 mins approx sleep. If I move him he wakes up so I let him sleep on me until he wakes up. Is there a method to get him to sleep in his cot for naps without leaving him to cry?

With our dd we were advised to use the controlled crying method which we did at night time. I tried this during the day but she just cried and cried and on the day she sobbed for 45 minutes solid I gave up! I would never criticise this as I'm sure it is great for some people but for us we now feel it has left dd and us emotionally scarred to some extent. It did not work well but we didn't realise there were other alternatives and therefore kept on and on with it. We really don't want to let ds cry it out at all but are currently letting him cry for a few minutes at a time when he wakes in the night. The difference this time is that I pick him up and cuddle him each time and I only leave him for a maximum of 4 minutes at a time. I can't bear to listen to him cry and I feel constantly guilty about doing that to dd and don't want to feel that again with ds. I am still not totally happy with this approach and would prefer to find a method for both day and night where I don't have to let him get upset at all. Does such a thing exist or am I being naively hopeful?!!

ds has co-slept with us until about a month ago due to reflux so he is very clingy and enjoys our company. However he does seem to like having his own space in his cot and sleeps better than expected in there. He currently wakes about 10.30pm and I give him a short bf. He then sleeps until maybe 2 ish and I let him cry a couple of times by which point he is often tired and falls asleep with a bit of a head stroke. He then varies between sleeping well until 6am ish or waking every hour or so until I give in and bring him in our bed (I have a rule he can't come in until it has passed 5.30am!)

Sorry for the ramble I hope I have mentioned everything important and that someone has some pearls of wisdom!

I did full on attachment parenting til about 6-7 months. But by 9months the disturbed sleep was beginning to push me right over the edge.

I'm afraid I just ended up getting firm & refusing night feeds from 9 months (went to milk in a bottle, then only water, then only cuddles, then increasing time between shhhhings) and getting strict about naps at 9am, 12pm & 3pm and letting DC cry it out in the cot. I had to do it very literally for my own sanity & therefore for DC's long term well being.

It feels harsh, but you are teaching them a life skill. I used to cry on the phone to
DH at work I felt so awful about DC crying in the cot. But sleep always won eventually. And Sleep begets sleep. And if you compare how well you kip in the car / on the sofa versus in your own bed, you may decide that your bed gives you a better quality of sleep. If its true for you, why not a baby? I miss DC falling asleep on me. I miss the night cuddles. But DC & I get on better for me having had sleep & a break in the day.

Naps took about a week to settle (the third nap of the day being the hardest to enforce). Night wakings took 3-4 nights to eliminate at 9months (9 months is I gather the usual watershed for them to give up needing night wakes) We still get the odd bad few nights (teething etc) where DC (18m) gets all the comfort she wants. Now, if I don't follow the nap/bedtime schedule DC really melts down and we end up with a horrific night & early waking and everyone is grumpy the next day.

Every child is different though. Good luck whichever path you choose

Thanks for your reply. I can completely understand your point of view and I know it would work if we tried it. We may well end up using that approach. I was just wondering if there was an alternative that did not involve leaving DS to cry? Perhaps this is unrealistic! We don't mind him crying a bit we would just rather avoid prolonged crying.

I'm no expert and ds is still in our bed most of the time but we have cracked the daytime naps. We read the no cry sleep solution which does give some good ideas and is worth a read. Ds never used to nap well and would only fall asleep on me after a feed or occasionally in the buggy or car. Even now night times and evenings are a bit tricky cos he will only drop off if cuddled up to me.
The book says that getting daytime sleep can help night time sleep so I went all out to try and achieve that. It also says if baby isn't dropping off easily he is likely to be overtired so it might help trying to get him to sleep earlier.
What I did was to take him out in the buggy at the same time each day ( 1030 and 230 were our times) and I would walk and walk til he slept. Initially he took ages to fall asleep and would wake unless I kept walking. Gradually he fell asleep quicker and slept longer. Now if I get my timing right I can pop him in the buggy and he falls asleep straight away, sometimes it takes a bit of pushing back and forth but only v occasionally do i have to do the big walk. We started it when he was about 51/2 months and he's 7 months now. At the start I really felt I wasn't doing anything except walking and was so jelous of those mums that put baby down and had a cuppa or did the ironing! Also I was really strict with times so meant
Missing some groups etc . We're working up the energy to do a move into the cot so was encouraged to read u managed that with success - any tips??

Hi sunnyweather. I haven't felt quite brave enough to tackle the move to the cot in the day time yet. DS is now in the cot all night though. We started off very slowly and have taken our time over it. I feed him in our bedroom at bed time (after bed time routine) and he almost always falls asleep feeding. Then I carry him into his room and put him in his cot. At first he woke up so I left him to cry for a couple of minutes at a time picking him up each time I went in and holding him until he settled. After a couple of times he would settle enough for me to settle him to sleep by stroking his head and his cheek. Now he almost always stays asleep when I first put him down. He was waking numerous times in the evening but now mostly sleeps until about half ten or so. I'm glad you asked that because having written this answer I do feel that we have made progress which gives me a bit more encouragement to keep going with letting him cry for a few minutes at a time. Fingers crossed for you too. I think I will try your walking technique for the daytime naps. It would cost much less than driving round in the car which I did with DD! Thanks for your advice x

Thanks for that K28! It is great to hear about a strategy that works- we were planning on trying to move him into his cot over Xmas but then I hurt my arm so I've not been able to do all the pick up put down that will be required! Currently I'm going to bed with him - great cos I get to read my new kindle, not so great that I hardly see dh. I think when we do attempt it we are going to try to do the same as you the only difference being the cot is in our room- even if we get him sleeping alone up til our bedtime it will feel like a mini breakthro.
I hope the walking works for you- getting a good waterproof coat with a hood and some warm gloves made it much more bearable, I also used a pedometer and was doing a massive step count every day which made me feel v virtuous and less bad about all the biscuits and cake. Good luck x