Encouraging Independence

[Hecubasdaughter]

A few months ago I instigated a new rule that I wouldn't do straight forward things for Dd1 until she had tried to do it herself first. I want to encourage a certain degree of independence and help her to develop skills of reasoning etc. My plan was to gradually encourage her to do more as she got older so that by the time she reached 18 she would be able to look after herself if necessary.

Initially my mum undermined me a lot telling me I'm cruel in front of her and jumping to do everything for her. Its still not going well, screaming temper tantrums etc.

She is only expected to do basic stuff like tidy her toys away, get dressed, work out how to play her games and work out her homework. I am dispairing at her ever being able to do things for herself, what do I do now.

How old is she/

She's 6, I feel she should be able to do basic stuff.

I dont think there is anything unreasonable in what you expect her to do. I despair when I take dd to swimming lessons and see parents drying and dressing their dc who range from 5 to 10. I look like the negletful parent sitting and waiting for dd whilst dd does this herself.

I don't think so either yet dd wants everything done for her and wants it instantly. My Mum will pander to everything which really riles me and IMO makes dd's behaviour worse.

Today's tempers have been because I wouldn't choose a game for her to play, I wouldn't put her socks on until she tried to put them on herself but wouldn't accept her walking around bare foot, I made her put her game away and made her try and work out how to fit it in the box.

I'm all for encouraging independence and discouraging laziness in children.

However, I prefer your wording in the title "encouraging independence" to the wording in your OP "I instigated a new rule". It sounds like maybe your good intentions were introduced a little too suddenly and inflexibly and have become a flashpoint between you and your daughter? You don't want to be constantly battling about this, so if I were you I would try to be a little more flexible while still maintaining your overall aim of encouraging independence.

So looking at the examples you have given:

If she asks you to choose a game for her to play, I think she is really asking for your attention rather than wanting you to make the decision for her. How about saying something like 'let's choose one together, hmmm what do you think would be fun?'.

Ask her to put her socks on. Don't offer to help, and if she asks for help (as long as she asks nicely), say 'let me see, I think this one goes on this foot doesn't it?' but still trying to get her to actually put it on.

Yes she should put her own game away, but again if she has trouble working out how it fits in the box you could sit down next to her and say 'do you think this piece goes here?'.

You get my drift? Helping her, working together with her, rather than forcing her and battling against her? It will be more time consuming at first but hopefully worth it in the long run!

PS I think as a general rule most children don't respond well to the words 'you should be old enough to do that by yourself now'. It almost seems to make them more likely to revert to babyish behaviour!

wise words mrs pepper potty