"soft" 4 year old boy, any advice?

[ohbugrit]

He's sensitive, emotional, bright, enquiring, obsessed with winning and being the best, but anxious about physical challenges and lacking in confidence, for example with learning to cycle. He gives up or whines so never improves so loses faith in himself.

DH isn't one of these neanderthal homophobic idiots but he has zero patience with DS when he gets upset about things, says "no wonder he's soft" when I reassure or comfort him, eg if he's upset about losing a game. He's worried DS will be gay and doesn't want him to be. In my mind that's fair enough, to have private concerns for how DS's life might hold unexpected challenges if this turned out to be the case, but I don't think it's right to be hard on a wee boy who is sensitive. It's not like it'll knock any gayness out of him or something, FGS.

Sorry this is a bit rambling but I worry that DH will lose the fantastic closeness he has to DS by not loving him for who he is :(

Your DH needs to wake up and see the amazing child in front of him before its too late. And by that I mean that one day your DS will cotton on to the fact that his father doesn't like who he is and it could damage their relationship.

My DS is 4.5 and is the boy you have just described and I am so very, very proud of him for being him. A lovely, thoughtful, kind boy who is finding his feet in the world. And if he is a gay man when he grows up or not is not is not an issue in this house, we love him for him.

Your husband is being a prick your son sounds like pretty much any four year old. They all get upset at losing and they generally all get nervous about something whether it's learning to ride a bike or learning to swim. It is rather a ridiculous leap to think your son is going to be gay because of it and sorry but this does make your dh a Neanderthal homophobic twat

I have had that son too! He's grown up now and lovely.

Can you tackle this in little, separate steps?

So for the not-being-brave about new physical things, model for him how YOU learn a new skill, being careful not to be too good at it. Talk about how you feel discouraged and have another go, then another go, then another. It can be something really tiny like breaking eggs and not getting the shell in the bowl - ooops! did it again!

For the needing to win thing - can you play some co-operative games? Jigsaws? Where you all help make the Big Picture? Or that board game with snails where the aim is to get them all to finish but no-one 'owns' a particular colour?

For the whining - if it bothers you as much as it bothered me then do whatever you do for other stuff - naughty step or whatever, or do the 'I can't hear you when you talk like that'.

Can you manage to get your DS to 'overhear' his dad telling you what things he LOVES about him? Things that he can do as well as things that he IS. I do think your DH needs a bit of a nudge to help your DS but he might be finding it tricky if DS is not the bouncy, confident street-urchin with a cheeky grin that he was expecting :)

Your husband is an idiot if he thinks being kind and reassuring to a 4 year old child will somehow 'make' him gay. However lovely your DH may be, to think that could possibly be the case is ultimately rather daft.

If he's gay then he's already gay. Perhaps your DH should think about building your DS's self esteem and accepting your child with the personality that he was born with, rather than worrying about him being 'soft' and trying to make him be someone he isn't.

I didn't think being emotionally sensitive and physically cautious were requirements for a man to be gay. I thought you just had to find other men sexually attractive. Silly me.

Being charitable (because actually your DH does sound like a homophobic idiot), your DH has an image of what a boisterous boy should be like - rufty tufty play and being loud, say. Few children conform to a rigorous stereotype, whether pink-loving girlie girl or mini-macho boy. So he needs to have patience for the boy he does have, who sounds perfectly normal for a 4.5 year old. As he gets older he will grow more confident, but he cannot be moulded to an image in your DH's head. To try would be dreadful.

He's worried DS will be gay and doesn't want him to be.

Well, he doesn't get to choose. So now he'd better choose to get over himself.

My five year old son is like like this: he is ace. Your husband, however, is not. HTH

I agree with the others your DH is the problem here. Children of both sexes all come with different personalities and won't fit into sterotypes as easily as your DH would like.

Alot of children struggle with learning to lose graciously but grow out of it and you can overcome fears with patience and praise when DS tries new things.

Thank you for all the reassurance and usual forthright comments, I appreciate them all

We've had a big chat tonight (prompted by me being very angry about DH dismissing DS's tears when he hurt himself earlier today) and had some harsh words and some less harsh ones.

DS tends to get very upset about minor things eg he lost a made-up game with his cousin earlier and cried for about 15 minutes despite reassurance/discussion/encouragement/eventually firm words. DH feels that my approach is too soft and he needs pushed a bit to learn that he can succeed if he gets up and tries again.

I think perhaps DH hasn't realised how poorly he conceals his frustration with DS and is definitely pensive following our chat. I am confident that he's not homophobic - a couple of relatives and his partner at work (with whom he has a close friendship) are both gay and he warmly and freely accepts them. But he's frightened of what life might hold for DS, based on his own experiences at a rough school in the 70s and 80s, and I think this has coloured the way he's handling DS at the moment. He realises that it's not helpful or positive.

DS is definitely gentle compared to his peers but he's had a tough start with some health problems, and I am horribly controlling. He needs sympathetic parenting and DH and I both talk lots about how we're doing because we are trying not to repeat mistakes of our parents. So I think we can improve the situation.

Any other input welcome. I so want my little boy to be happy, and like DH I wish he was more robust and able to deal with life's setbacks. I know this will come with time and patience but I'd live to be able to help him.

He's only 4! You're talking about him and his robustness and his (lack) of ability to deal with life as though he's an adolescent!
All of my nieces and nephews (of around that age) cry and tantrum when they lose. Why does it make him potentially gay?

Wow. Sorry to say it but weird parenting

Your DH sounds like a horrible homophobe and is desperately policing his son's masculinity.

The problem is, by refusing to give your DS the comfort and reassurance he needs, he's making it more likely that your DS will be less confident when he gets to school, because he will constantly have had his individuality invalidated by your DH.

Poor little boy. This is why patriarchy is so damaging to boys.

I know it's not right, that's why I challenged it.

The robustness thing ... I'll try to explain - although you are probably right that my expectations are too high, because I know I have a problem with asking more than is fair of DS. An example might be that DS wants to play on his scooter, so we'll go out and he'll be scared of it wobbling or something, so you support it for him, then he'll go over a bump or come to a kerb or whatever and he'll just say he can't do it and want to go home. After literally 30 seconds. If you encourage him he cries. So you just have to go home. He's always been like this and we've always been patient but it is immensely frustrating. Sometimes he will find it impossible to even attempt to do things which he was doing effortlessly the day before. Tiny failures/setbacks send him into hysteria. I want him to feel more confident and to be more tenacious but there's so little to encourage that it is difficult to find positivity that isn't patronising - and of course he knows when it isn't genuine. All of this would be fine if he didn't really want to ride his scooter like the other boys. I hate having to see him struggle so much but he simply can't be coaxed to practise.

Does that explain the situation any better? I guess that's sort of a separate issue to DH's feeling that he's too soft although the fact that DS is so whiny/gives up so easily despite a strong desire to do something is part of it.

Sounds like you need to make more effort with your ds and turn the things he finds difficult into a game, offer a reward if he does well.

Your behaviour towards your lovely sounding ds is coloured completely by how your dh behaves towards him. YOu need to see your dh for what he is and concentrate on building your ds's self confidence and self esteem - neither of which are being helped by your dh.

Poor little soul! My DS1 is similar-doesn't really try but wants to be able do everything, sensitive, cries easily, gives up etc. I thought it was pretty normal for a 4yo.
What does he do well? Can your DH spend some quality time one on one with him doing something that your DS is good at and enjoys? Would probably boost his confidence a lot.

FWIW a lot of children can't cycle or scooter very well at 4

DH isn't one of these neanderthal homophobic idiots ... He's worried DS will be gay and doesn't want him to be.

Sorry, it sounds like your DH is one of those neanderthal homophobic idiots. And if, "in your mind that's fair enough" then you're not much better. Work on your own and your DH's attitudes and let your lovely boy be.

How about, in that last example you describe, instead of going home when he 'fails' at riding his scooter, turn it into a walk instead, and get him to push his scooter along.

I agree with other posters who have said that your DH is the problem, not your son, but also maybe you both are seeing things a bit black and white. Maybe try to take a step back from worrying about what your son should be, or should be doing. There is no right or wrong way to how he should be.

He is sensing your frustration and so tiny obstacles are being made bigger than they are. But by you, not your DS. For a while just go with his wishes, no encouragement, no fuss, just stop and go home. Once he feels more secure about his relationships with you and his dad, he'll be better able to deal with challenges without worrying that if he does it wrong you will get frustrated or cross with him.

My DS is quite like this although I don't tend to analyse the minutiae because this is just 'how he is' yswim. He was a 'high needs' baby and has always demanded a lot of attention and still sleeps in my bed. He is in reception and has been in the foundation stage at his school for 2 years (in January) and has only just mastered going in without me coming into the class and physically handing him to a member of staff. He will sleep with me for some time yet I think because he has only just been able to let me leave the room without crying. He is 5.

Thanks for the replies.

DH and I sort of feel that we've maybe praised success too much and not paid enough attention to effort. So we are trying to work on that.

DH spends lots of time with DS, significantly more than I do, so probably gets more frustrated. He is generally the more patient of the two of us and has got DS really confident in the swimming pool from being terrified 18 months ago, so it can be done. They play on the Wii and read together, as well as usual painting and outdoor stuff so a good mix of things I think. I often feel that it's me who needs to do more with DS.

It is good to know that it's not uncommon for a child of this age to be this way - I didn't think it was abnormal but have felt it was a personality thing, hence being so pissed off with DH for getting cross today.

I was a cautious, emotional child and I'd love for DS to not have to endure the self-doubt and bullying I did. DH is frightened of bullying tio but admits he's not handling things well. I feel that giving DS confidence and security is the best protection but DH feels confidence will come more easily if DS realises he can do these things he fears.

When I say 'leave the room', I mean any room. I couldn't go into the kitchen from the lounge for example.

That's interesting Pippi. DS wad needy as a baby but is very independent now. Tonight he's staying with an Auntie he only sees a few times a year, for example, and has been excited about it all day. He is fine with people he doesn't know, ok with the dentist and doctor, happily goes to nursery etc. He communicates easily but struggles with the physical stuff.

I applaud you for bringing up your DS the way you know is best for him. I can imagine you have had lots of advice to the contrary.

You are right, your DH is wrong. When we are confident we are up for challenges, when we are fearful, we are not.