10 year old daughter struggling with friendships

[Boo2323]

Hi, my 10 year old has had allsorts of problems with anxiety over the past year and has had some councillling to help with this. She is now much clamer as chilled out but struggling with friendships and cliques at school. She preferes the friendship and play of boys and has a small group of boys that she plays with on a regular basis but they seem to be drifting apart as they move through year 6. She also finds it difficult to have close friendships with the girls in year 6 as she is very young for her age and they all seem very mature and she struggles to find things in common that they are interested in. I am very worried that the anxiety issues will arise again as we move into Secondary school and friendships change and become a big issue again. Has anyone any suggestions or ideas how I can help her.

Smile and say 'hello' to everyone on the first day!

I was very shy about starting high school having been bullied at primary, but the huge pool of new people and the fact I didn't have classes with them anymore made the bullies feel insignificant and what had been 'faked' confidence soon became real confidence. It also meant I could cut the wheat from the chaff and find friends who were inherently nice people, prepared to talk to and befriend anyone, as the bitchy girls who sneered at a smiley hello were easy to ignore for the next 6 years!

I remember 10 as being an age when boys and girls don't generally play together as much, but i didn't really do the makeup play and stuff and was still enjoying my barbies so I was not 'cool' at 10 either and a lot of girls who had moved onto more 'grown up' play didn't want to be friends anymore... I stuck with being unpopular for a few years, by the time I was 14 or 15 I had a really good core group of friends who were not copies of me or I of them but individuals with similar attitudes and ideas. The 'others' were tango orange and trying to get into bars at night, we were having much more fun building skate ramps in the woods and listening to metal!

And now, I'm 23, and it all seems SO insignificant. I don't listen to a lot of metal anymore and I do enjoy a pair of high heels... I guess that's not ideal for a 10 year old but she absolutely shouldn't have to put herself in a box for anyone. It's better to have one good friend who you actually like and who's company you enjoy, than to have 10, 20 or 50 friends who are just people you spend time with.

For dd, spending time with friends outside school is a big help. They get one-on-one time, without the distraction of others so helps lay the foundations for friendship.

Maybe come up with 2 or 3 names of girls she (and you) think it would be nice to know better, and invite them over (one at a time) for an afternoon?

Also, the girls may do brilliantly at entertaining themselves/finding something to do, but I sometimes 'help' by suggesting games, a not-too-demanding craft project, or even letting them bake something - if they seem stuck.

Has she got any interests that involve clubs/groups out of school? If not could she get some? Focusing on what the club/group involves but with a peer group could help build her confidence.

Things like Brownies/Guides, gym, trampolining, badminton, swimming, art clubs, pottery, 5 a side football, archery etc...

From memory of my own experiences and those of friends, a few things might help:

• Doing other things apart from school. I know it's a bit of a cliche, people always say 'oooh join a club' as if it solves the worlds problems. It doesn't, but it does sometimes give you some perspective, e.g. if school is really sh!t at any point, then it feels better to focus other things in your life that are going well, until school friendships get better again
• There will be a massive pool of new people at high school, and she will probably find her groove, but try not to build up her hopes that it will happen quickly. It might not. But it will happen. I agree with mmmerangue that by 14/15 ish, people are much more settled into groups of people who they have things in common with (I was another outdoorsy, non-tangoed face person!).
• Obviously, lots and lots of love and reassurance at home and anything to help build confidence in herself rather than trying to 'fit in' or be like anyone else. Even if it might not help to hear you say now, that she is beautiful inside and out and she will meet people who love her for who she is, and who will see that she is smart/funny/kind/whatever. Even if it doesn't help her now, she will always remember that you said those things.
• Don't avoid admitting that sometimes it's a bit hard and a bit cr@p. Don't try and pretend everything is bright and breezy all the time.
• Also agree with mmmerangue smile and say hello to new people, if she sees someone on their own, chances are, they're looking for the 'right' friends for them too.
• Say yes to things. School and out of school activities, trips, invitations etc. You don't enjoy everything 100% of the time, but you never know where things will lead, what new people you might encounter etc. When I was a young teenager I begrudgingly helped out at a (quite dull) Brownie activity day (I was a Guide) and met the daughter of one of the leaders, who was also helping, and we hit it off, and she's one of my close friends now and we're both in our 30s.

Sorry if any of this is a long way from the mark. But it's just a reflection of somet of the things that helped me with friendships.

D

PS if she likes doing less girly things, what about something like seacadets/scouts etc.?

It doesn't mean she will never like/want to do things with other girls, but it helps build a bridge in these tough years where she's a bit in between, and they're usually great for confidence/self-worth type things.

D

Hi, just wanted to ask op a question, as my dd (9) is struggling with anxiety problems too. How long did you have to wait for counselling after seeing your gp, or did you arrange it privately? My dd wont go anywhwere without me, not to her grans or friends, we have just sorted out going into school without the tears and clingyness. Even a trip to the opticians/dentist/doctors etc results in panic and tears, it is really affecting her daily life now. I know if i say she is going to see the gp to try and help her, she panics and is upset for days. Sorry for the thread hi-jack. How is your dd doing with the counsellor, and how long before started making progress?

Hi popsocks, my daughter was refered to Child and Adult Mental Health services in our local area by the school SENCO and got counselloring in about 2 months we had about 8 sesions and she was able to talk and share her worries with the lovely councillor giving her and me tips and suggestions to help her get through her particular issues. She is now doing very well thanks and we have the tools and understanding of her problems to help when issues arise. Keep pushing school and GP for referals and help if she can't go to them sometimes they can come to you so explore every opportunity. Best wishes and good luck.

Thanks for all the ideas guys it is reassuring to get other points of view and the clubs thing is working as she goes to a church youth club and meets other children as well as her close mates form school.