Are daily tantrums normal for a 12 yr old?

[TheWickedStepmother]

My stepdaughter, who lives with her dad & me full time but stays with her mum a couple of nights per week, has tantrums/screaming/shouting/answering back/flouncing/stomping episodes on an almost daily basis - mostly in response to not getting her own way (eg, told she can't watch telly), being asked not to do something (such as not answer back) or being told she must do something (like cleaning her teeth or going to bed). She is going through puberty and started her periods about a year ago, but her bad behaviour is constant, not just pre menstrual, and almost every interaction we have with her turns into a battle. It does not seem to matter whether it is a day when she is being given a treat or something nice or a time when she has got into trouble she still behaves in an extremely bratlike way on a daily basis.

Is this normal? Or should we be investigating to see if there is a problem?

It isn't normal. What is she like at school or with other people?

I used to be like this. It isn't normal and worth looking into. I have recently had a dx of Aspergers and looking back, now realise that a lot of my problems could be related back to AS. I would have benefitted from the help I could have got if I had got a dx in school. I would see if you can have a word with her tutor in school about maybe getting an assessment.

My ds is 12 and he sounds exactly like your dsd. We have had horrendous problems with him. He does have a dx of adhd and now he is currently awaiting assessment for Autism.

Tinsel when could you say that you started calming down? I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel with ds and life here is horrible both for him and us.

I have AS and my meltdowns ("tantrums") had nothing to do with not getting my way or being told off for being rude. They were when I was feeling so completely overwhelmed that I had to do something to get the pressure off.
Just because it's an older child having them doesn't mean it's anything other than selfish behaviour. They don't sound like tantrums, they sound like "wutausbruch"- blow ups of anger because she's taking herself too seriously.
The OP's post doesn't suggest ASD at all. If it was tantrums over supposedly little things like volume, temperature and other sensory changes, then it might be, but it sounds like it's just that she doesn't like what people are saying to her.

My SB is like this. He's 12. And he's nearly 6ft! To see a lad so tall and bulky laying on the floor kicking and screaming having a tantrum like a 2 yr old is quite bizzare! I'm convinced it's not quite normal also although nothing has ever been done about it. He's not like it on a daily basis, just when something doesn't go his way. He sat all through christmas dinner with his arms folded sulking and there were some tears, although not tantrums. He talks with quite a 'mardy' voice. I personally think there might be some underlying issue.

He struggles with friends at school and gets bullied and doesn't get on well with my DB who is also 12. However, he gets on brilliantly with my 6 yr old niece. And they tantrum just like each other. This leads me to think there's something actually going on with him.

Maybe have a look at the rest of her behaviour. Does she act like a 12 yr old in every other area, other than the tantrums? How does she do at school? Does she have friends her own age?

How is her self esteem she may feel confused by her feelings to her two families and not know how to manage her feelings

In case you haven't seen these... My daughter did the same aged 11 - 13. She is now not physical but can be very temperamental and is a very good debater. Still, it's a vast improvment. Good luck!

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/wellbeing/7967802/Telegraph-readers-clinic-teenage-tantrums.html

www.sharnbrook.beds.sch.uk/documents/downloads/Teen_Tantrums_Low.pdf

www.wellsphere.com/parenting-article/how-do-i-cope-with-teenage-tantrums/33991

www.babiesknow.com/attachments/article/112/How%20to%20cope%20with%20teenage%20tantrums%20_%20The%20Times.pdf

Thanks all for your input and apologies for having disappeared after starting the thread. To clarify, tantrums is perhaps the wrong word as she is not always so dramatic. Without wanting to seem facetious or horrible, I think perhaps 'hissy fit' or 'paddy' is a better term. Basically she makes an immense fuss if there is any hint of her not being able to have her own way - whether she asks if she can do something and told no, or told not to do something.

gothicsanta, I do worry about her self esteem. She lacks confidence in herself esp when it comes to school work and she seems to have started to worry about her appearance - something that isn't helped by her biological mum criticisng her and making comments about blackheads and greasy hair (which we all know are just an annoying part of puberty!).

exoticfruits, she is starting to get into a bit of trouble at school for talking in class and not paying attention. I'm not sure if she behaves so dramatically with friends but she seems to compete with her younger sister (aged 10 and also lives with us) a lot and feels that little sister gets better treatment than her even though her dad and me try really hard to be even-handed with them.

ThompsonTwins, I will check out the links. Thanks.

I am stumped as to whether it is a phase or something that needs to be addressed before it gets worse. The other thing is that both her dad and biological mum suffer with depression and mood swings and I wonder if she has inherited and/or learned it from them? (Hope that doesn't sound awful - there is obvioulsy more detail and I'm not unsympathetic about it - but I'll be writing a book if I type much more).

Her behaviour is making her dad (and me) stressed and miserable on an almost daily basis so I am desperate to find a way of improving family life for us all - including her!