Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Three year old won't leave baby alone

7 replies

cerealqueen · 20/12/2011 21:14

I have a three year old DD and a six week old DD. DD1 seems to love DD2 but won't leave her alone. She is always kissing her, hugging her (quite hard sometimes!) tapping her on the head and grabbing her cheek.
When I'm changing her and she is on the floor she will be touching the baby with her foot, or with whatever toy she has. If I am feeding her she will climb onto me and try and climb onto the back of the sofa to reach DD2 to kiss/cuddle/touch DD2 or shout in her ear 'hello baby' and 'you're gorgeous/cute/beautiful' She isn't as always gentle as she could be, sometimes DD2 will end up crying.

I try and say 'be gentle' or 'careful' or 'she likes a gentle kiss on the head' but keeps on. Even being firm, she will persist and I'll end up being really terse and raising my voice, asking her why she won't listen to me. It is constant and really driving me up the wall.

I know some of it is attention seeking but I feel i'm just saying 'no' and 'please don't all the time. Has anybody got any advice or tactics on how to manage this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Wigeon · 20/12/2011 21:36

There is almost 3 years between my DDs and the older one is exactly the same (the baby is now 7 months and the older one is 3 and a half). I sometimes get quite exasperated with her rough cuddling which makes the baby cry. I'm pretty sure it's just trying to get my attention, rather than any malice to the baby. And there is no question that she knows she has to be gentle with the baby. We try:

Giving her sad faces on her sticker chart if she makes the baby cry

Giving her loads and loads of praise each time she does anything remotely nice to / for the baby (which to be fair she does quite a lot too).

Giving her reward stickers on her chart for being nice to the baby

Leaving her with the baby (eg in the floor in the older girl's room) for short periods of time (when we are close by but not right there) and telling her she's in charge of the baby - actually she almost always looks after her really well and doesn't make her cry. And then giving her loads of praise.

Suggesting alternatives - "can you find her a toy?" - although this doesn't always work...

Removing her to another room if she is too rough with the baby - she hates being moved away from the baby

Ultimate sanction: confiscating something she likes if she is persistently rough with the baby several times over a day.

I'm afraid to say that she is still from time to time making the baby cry by being too rough even 7 months later, so none of these are in any way a magic wand! If anyone has a magic wand, I'll be interested!

rhetorician · 20/12/2011 22:30

exactly the same problem - dd1 is 2.11, dd2 is 2 weeks old! lots of kisses and cuddles and head strokes. To be fair she is mostly very gentle (possibly because I completely bawled her out when she slapped the baby on the head - so she is in no doubt about where the boundary lies), but isn't as careful as she should be about leaning on the baby etc. It needs policing all the time, but 16 days in and it is getting a bit better. She loves the baby, actually, so it's a fine line between encouraging this, not making her feel pushed away, and ensuring the baby's safety. The latter is paramount in my mind...

Mip · 21/12/2011 11:05

Oh nothing really helpful to say just that I so understand and it's so miserable. I have a three and a half year old son and an 8 month old girl. My son adores his sister, gets her toys when she cries, hurries up when she wakes from her nap, wants her to be with us all the time etc. But he does this awful handholding which becomes major squeezing. Started out as just outpouring of love but a week ago he was doing it every few minutes and she was screaming. Thought I'd go mad, did not want to scream at my son all day long partic when most of the time you think they're meaning to be nice but eventually as you say the Be gentles etc wear thin. Think the others have given good advice I'd just say keep what you're doing and know that it will get better. Even my son's hand squeezing has got better (goes in phases), helped when as a last resort I showed him what squeezing was on him and how it hurted. Did it calmly, not in anger obviously, and not too hard but he realised it wasn't very nice. Now we're into town snatching instead! Praise him hugely when he gives her a boring toy but at least he's given her something. Basically I try to praise him for all the lovely stuff, see when he is really meaning to be mean or when it's an accident (a phase of bouncing near her and headbanging her every few minutes was not always easy to judge!) and get some time on my own with him each day, not always easy either. Good luck!

skybluepearl · 23/12/2011 00:04

can you pretend they are both having a nappy change and lay them down side by side. go through pretend nappy change with your eldest.

Original poster

cerealqueen · 29/12/2011 18:48

Sorry for not getting back on here sooner. Thanks for your replies for your replies everybody. DD1's whole behaviour is generally a LOT louder and boisterous when DD2 is around, which just adds to my frustration, especially when tired, or trying to get DD1 down for a sleep.

Some good ideas for praise, reward and sanction. I wonder though how far to take my telling off - the endless repeating of the same information does wear thin as she just does not listen, in fact, it seems to be deliberate, like she can't help herelf. if it were any other repeated disobedience I'd be firmer but as she is showing 'affection' then it seems harsh to punish, especially when she has overall been really good and she has had a lot of upheaval.

Sky blue - DD1 is stil in nappies which is a whole other issue - decided today that we are potty training half term week.
I was hoping that she'd lose interest after a while but from others experience that may not be the case!

OP posts:

CalamityKate · 29/12/2011 18:50

Does she actually understand the difference between gentle/rough?

First off I'd be making sure she does. Maybe practise on a baby doll or something - "show me a gentle kiss... show me a gentle stroke..." etc.

CurlyJims · 30/12/2011 15:19

This happened with my dc2 and dc3 who are now 6 and 3, dc2 has grown out of it now but there was a point where they couldn't be unsupervised, the cuddling was actually squeezing and the things she did always looked like she was being affectionate to him but overly rough in the process UNTIL they were in the kitchen one day aged 4.5 and about 18 months and dc2 lifted dc3 up and put his hand on the hob which had recently been used to cook the dinner...

Not saying the actions of all children are to hurt the baby but we didn't know for sure until a few incidents like this had happened! Think the behaviour was down to jealousy and not giving as much time to dc2 as previously :-/

Flip