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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Utterly mortified - how would you have dealt with it? Long one.......

26 replies

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/01/2006 12:06

Sorry - this is a long one.

I met up with a mum yesterday - have only met with her twice before. The last time i met her i went to her house with both DD and DS. On that occasion DD was an absolute horror - displayed her worst absolute worst behaviour such as jumping on this womans leather sofas, pulling my clothes, hitting me, flicking her feet at DS's head whilst he was sleeping on my lap and then finally having a full on tantrum (cant remember about what now) for half an hour. She certainly isnt always like this.

Anyway, yesterday i met this mum again, who has an 8mth old DS - same age as my DS.

We went to a softplay place - thought it would keep 2.9 yr old DD amused. Anyway, after a short while, the under 3s ball pit was empty so we got in with our DS's and DD joined us. She was totally fine. The other mum then laid her DS back on the balls, and suddenly from behind me, DD jumped belly flop style on to her DS from about 3 foot away.

I was horrified. She whipped her son up and flew out of the ball pit to check him over. He was really crying. I told DD off immediately, that she had hurt the baby and she must say sorry (she knows very well how to do this btw). She ran off into the larger softplay section and i had DS and couldnt chase after her.

The other mums DS stopped crying soon after so thankfully wasnt badly hurt but even so. I apologised profusely but didnt know what to say. If i had been on my own and it was a child we didnt know for example i would have packed her up and taken her home. But i was there for myself and needed the break tbh - house was full of dust and dirt from the builders doing our loft.

Anyway, when DD came back i told her she had to say sorry and she kept screaming "NO" and running off. Eventually she came back and i had her beaker of water. She asked for it and i said "You say sorry first, then you can have your water". Well this started an hour long tantrum, which i largely ignored. But she was climbing all over me for a cuddle, asking for water, screaming, throwing herself on the floor. Even the other mum came over to talk to her and say that all she needed to do was say sorry (DD wouldnt go anywhere near her immediately after the incident).

She screamed the whole way back to this mums house until finally, it got to the point where i was getting DD in to the car and she said "i want sorry, i want sorry" so she finally walked with me to the mum and her DS - gave the DS a kiss and said sorry".

i dont know if i did the right thing - i cant say she jumped on her DS out of malice but it was still wrong. But the whole saga dragged on for nearly 2 hours in the end. The other mum was very sweet and said she understood, it wasnt a problem, that i was doing the right thing etc but i cant believe a) DD did it in the first place and b) the whole saga lasted as long as it did.

Comments very welcome!

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rey · 11/01/2006 12:14

Just wanted to say don't feel so bad/unsure of your actions, you made sure your child knew it was not acceptable behaviour and you did your best. I have come across too many parents who don't bother at all. Unfortunately sometimes this behaviour, in my experience, does drag on and it's hard, very hard. But good for you on not letting yours get away with it.

Bink · 11/01/2006 12:14

Well done for the other mum. What a nice person.

Well done you for giving your dd the time to work it through her system - some children just take longer to process. You and she ended up in the right place - finally!
Doing it in the first place: we all do impulsive things when excited, and you just may have a slightly more excitable dd than some. Doesn't indicate anything "wrong", but I'd take it as a message that as she gets older she might need help with learning to choose how to express her excitement.

oops · 11/01/2006 12:19

Message withdrawn

oops · 11/01/2006 12:20

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 11/01/2006 12:21

I'd have warned her after she first refused to say sorry, I'd have given her 2 more chances and then I'd have taken her home

IlanaK · 11/01/2006 12:22

What a nightmare - well done for handling it!

I have been in this sort of situatiom - not the same, but where a tantrum has gone on and on in public. In hind sight, I think that all the attention has just fueled it further. So, from an objective point of view (and this is easy to do as it is not me that had to deal with it!), I would have done two things differently. One, as soon as the other baby was calm and the mother not focused on checking it, I would have asked her to watch your baby and I would have gone after your dd. She should have been sanctioned immediately for what happened I think. By a time out away from the play area and then she should have apologized. If she refused at this point and kept up with the tantrum, I would have left. Its so hard to do when you are there (I know as I had this at a birthday party with ds), but it is the only way to send a clear message. It means that you suffer as well as your dd as you miss out on the talking with friend, but it sends such a clear message that it is less liekly to happen again.

I am not criticising what you did at all - i feel for you! But just suggesting a different approach next time.

Twiglett · 11/01/2006 12:22

although to be honest the actual saying of sorry isn't the point its the tantrumy, defiant behaviour that is the core problem

Spidermama · 11/01/2006 12:23

Agree. Well d9one for sticking to your guns. You won. The apology was forthcoming.

My sympathies. What a horrible drawn out trauma. You did really well by the sound of it.

Twiglett · 11/01/2006 12:24

I would also, as an aside, call the mother and apologise again .. I don't think its necessary nor expected but it is just what I would do the next day

I would try hard not to make excuses but just apologise

wilbur · 11/01/2006 12:26

I think it sounds like you handled it well, VVV. One thing - do you often hang out with other mothers with your lo's playing together? I just wonder if your dd is attention seeking because she is not used to you trying to have a conversation with someone else, my ds1 can be terrible about this when he's in the mood, he will kick off as soon as he realises that I am not focused fully on him. 2.9 is a hard age (I have a dd the same age ) and it might just be that your dd will settle her behaviour down after a few more meet-ups with the other mum. She sounds very nice, btw.

anorak · 11/01/2006 12:40

If I witnessed a scene like that I'd feel sorry for the struggling mum, and grateful that it wasn't my child having a tantrum, because tomorrow it could be the other way round.

shimmy21 · 11/01/2006 12:41

Oh what a horrible situation. well done you.

Just to say I happened to be in a soft play place the other day and while my dss played I watched a couple of families near me who'd come together. At one point dd (about 4) of family 1 lay spread-eagled on top of ds of family 2 (about 8 or 9 months) who'd been crawling around. The parents didn't notice as they were dealing with other kids. She lay there on top of him obviously trying to squash him flat and if possible stop him breathing for at least a minute or so until he was screaming in terror. The parents noticed before I interfered but obviously there is something about soft play places that encourage children to 'experiment' with squashing each other. Your dd is not alone!!

Original poster

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/01/2006 12:44

Thanks everyone. Feeling a little better about how i dealt with it.

In the back of my mind i knew the most ideal thing was to warn her and then if she still refused, then go home. However, i really needed the break (have been suffering pnd and on the occasions i do get out i try to relish them) plus i didnt want to make this other woman leave too or leave her there on her own - if it had been more than just us two - i probably would have.

As for DD, she is usually quite nurturing of other peoples children. She has been going to nursery since 6 mths old and she is familiar with being in a room of over excited children.

Am wondering though, whether her recent more aggressive behaviour relates to a nasty biting incident that happened to hear 2 weeks ago.

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harpsichordcarrier · 11/01/2006 12:50

oh god VVV (like the new name) how excruciating for you
I ws just thinking that (about the biting)
it is all pretty normal behaviour for a child of her age though and I think you dealt with it fine. it IS exhausting and very embarrassing but tomorrow it could be any of us
i don't think going home is necessarily the answer. hopefully this is a one off.
grim, though, grim grim.

Miaou · 11/01/2006 12:53

Tbh vicky i wondered whether the behaviour has something to do with the building disruption at home? Or does the previous incident go back before that (where she behaved badly at this mum's house?)

Also - do you think that it was significant that it happened with the same mum there, and/or that you both have babies and there is not another toddler around for her to interact with? Does she see this siutation as double the competition?

Anyway - that aside - I agree with the others, it was a battle you needed to win. I do think she was probably testing the boundaries, but the fact that she actually asked to say sorry (in the end) was very good. You did the right thing IMO.

If you and the other mum can bear it I would suggest meeting up again sometime soon, if for no other reason than to give your dd a chance to break this cycle of behaviour.

Feistybird · 11/01/2006 13:02

No advice, just to comment that you have the patience of a saint - at the first apology refusal, I would've had my DD out of there immediately. But your way enabled the apology to be made and was perhaps more effective in the long run.

madmarchhare · 11/01/2006 13:06

I wouldnt have let it go on for that long. I know you have builders in etc, but I would have taken home after explaining what was going to happen if she didnt calm down.

I agree with Twig in that its not necessarily an apology you want after all that, but a child who is less likely to do it again and imo she probably will.

Original poster

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/01/2006 13:14

THe other mum has just nabbed me on MSN - she says im a silly narna for apologising again - she is so lovely

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Original poster

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/01/2006 13:25

She just saw a pic of the mums DS on MSN. She pointed to it and said, "dont wake him up, he sleeping. I told her it was who it was (babys name) and she said " at the park i did bouncing and banged and he crying". I said yes, and you didnt say sorry until much later.

I think its good she has remembered it.

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XmasPud · 11/01/2006 13:35

Most of us have been in similar situations VVV - I agree that you did the right thing and that your friend sounds lovely
A mum went home in tears on Monday from our local toddlers because her DS bit another child all the mums rallied round her and explained that they understood but it can still upset you when it is your child causing the trouble.

dexter · 11/01/2006 14:38

the only thing I would have done differently is not let it drag on for so long. If no apology was forthcoming I would have warned her that we would go home if she did not apologise. I would have been as encouraging as I possibly could ie "ok let's go over together and then we'll go on the slide". If she kicked up a fuss then I would have left.

I know you say you needed the break but was the stress of this two hour long tantrum really a break for you???

However as others have said you did get the apology in the end so it doesn't really matter what we say!

foundintranslation · 11/01/2006 14:47

I think you did great VVV. Well done for sticking it out!

Stilltrue · 11/01/2006 14:52

You did the right thing even though it must have been hard to see it through. And what a nice lady the other mum is!
It's quite refreshing to hear about someone actually pursuing the need for a small child to learn to apologise. My dd is now 7, but when she was smaller I spent a lot of time with my best friend whose dd is a month older. Her dd would have the most horrendous melt downs, was often aggressive to my dd etc. (Yes I know it happens, I'm not being sanctimonious, I'll tell you about my ds2 sometime!) My friend, imo, however, never explained to her child that she was behaving badly, and I used to find it really difficult to be in the same room sometimes. I got mightily pissed off. We're still friends but don't see each other so often now; life's just busier.
On the other hand if your child is the tantrummer, the uncontrolled impulsive bouncy one, etc., it's great to get a bit of understanding from other parents. The thing is to be seen to be trying.

PrettyCandles · 11/01/2006 14:58

You were absolutely right in what you did, as you could see from your dd's behaviour aferwards.

But I do think that it dragged on too long for any of you. I wouldn't have held back her drink of water, for example, as being thirsty (or hungry) can have a bad effect on a child, and make it much harder for them to behave the way we would like.

And I think that I would have bitten the bullet and tekn her straight out of the play area until she had co-operated. Short and sharp, but also sweet, because as soon as she had apologised she could have gone bakc to playing and you could have gone back to relaxing.

God it's tough dealing with these things when they happen, isn't it! It's so much easier to talk about it with 20/20 hindsight and none of the emotional upheaval of being there. But we've all been there ourselves, so no-one in the least bit critises you for your situation.

Original poster

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/01/2006 15:40

Phew [relief emoticon]

I didnt do toooooo terribly then

Thanks for all your replies.

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