My DD2 is rising 5. I noticed yesterday that she had scribbled in black biro over a section of her bedroom wall. She is an intelligent, articulate girl who is well aware that she should not be drawing on the walls (she would know anyway, but in case there could have been any doubt a few months ago her two year old brother scribbled on a wall and so it's only fairly recently that we went over this). I was angry obviously, but remained calm and told her that as a punishment I wouldn't take her swimming today, which made her really angry as she had been looking forward to it. When I went into her room this morning I found she had got another pen and scribbled all over the wall again. When I pointed it out, she looked me straight in the eyes very calmly and said that I had made her angry by saying I wouldn't take her swimming as a punishment and so she had drawn on the wall again to punish me. She said she knew it would make me angry but had wanted to. I wanted to strangle her (obviously!) but all I did was leave her in her room for half an hour and take away a toy. I don't really feel I have got through to her or that the punishments have had any particular effect What should I have done? I just feel a bit impotent in the face of such a calculating 4 year old!
The funny thing is that she is generally a very good child. Maybe that is the problem, her 6 year old sister had a very explosive temper and has always been prone to tantrums and fits of fury often does silly things and gets into trouble, but is then passionately sorry and desperate to make amends. Her little brother is similar, all tantrums and tears then sorry and hugs. She's v different. Soft and loving and sweet nearly all the time, almost never the one in trouble but when she does do something bad it's like I cannot get through to her or punish her, she goes still and silent and unresponsive, looks away, won't say sorry or admit to being in the wrong and will then punish me back e.g. by withdrawing her affection (by which I mean if I tell her off about something fairly minor I expect her to say sorry and then hear no more about it, but she will keep up the cold shoulder treatment all day, radiating a silent anger, not looking at me, going floppy when I try to hug her etc).
Probably the problem is that I am much more like DD1 and DS (flash of anger, then over) so I get them, but she is so different (festering anger!) that I don't know the best way to deal with her.... any thoughts??