DD upsetting grandmother - help please! (quite long)

[Stokey38]

Really need some help with this one as it?s really turning into a major family nightmare. DD is 3.6 and is quite a strong character and when she was younger had some issues her not being very nice to some of my friends and some of her own but she has grown out of it and is generally kind and polite to people. But she has been really off with her paternal Grandmother the last few times we have seen her and its becoming a real issue. Bit of background of her Grandmother, she is a lovely lady and adores her grandchildren but in the past she has had mental health problems, her ex (DP?s dad) was abusive and she is a recovering alcoholic but as I say lovely but has zero confidence, finds it very hard to deal with things in general and takes things very personally. And this is one of the reasons I am finding it hard to deal with as well because when DD is rude to her she takes it really personally and deals with it in a way a child might do rather than an adult. I have explained to her that DD is acting up and it?s an attention thing but it really does hurt her because as I said her children and her grandchildren are the world to her. I have tried everything with DD, naughty step, taking away privileges, trying to explain how much it upsets us and her GM, ignoring it (which I find really hard because sometimes she is really rude) and I don?t really know what else to do but really want to get it resolved. We are going to stay with DPs family over Christmas and would appreciate any advice and to know if anyone else has been through anything like this. Thanks

Personally, I wouldn't be punishing your child. Give her lots of love. If you punish your child, she'll just act up more IME.

However much you feel for her grandmother, it is her problem, not your child's. Yes, your child needs to learn to be careful of others' feelings, but she's only 3.6 - she'll learn it in time with lots of coaching and guidance from you.

Don't ignore it, just say every single time the same thing 'that's unkind, please don't say it, and please apologise when you've calmed down', but don't insist on apologies - I never do. They're a complete waste of time if they're not genuine.

And keep telling her grandmother that she mustn't take what children say personally. Make up some crap about your DD saying how much she loves her and can't wait to see her or something if you need to boost her self-esteem. But it's not your child's problem that she has a touchy grandmother.

Thanks FlamingoBingo, yeah, I know you are right and it's an attention thing and when she has been like this with people before they have just ignored it and 5 minutes later she has been fine. It's so hard to explain this to GM though, she really doesn't seem to understand.

I'll bet your dd is picking up on how much upset this causes, and is enjoying playing with the feeling of power this gives her - not in many malicious way, she is just 3.

It's hard, but you're just going to have to take DM to one side and say, "I'm really sorry she's doing this, it's because she can see it upsets me, I've decided the only way to handle it is to ignore her when she's behaving like that. I suggest you ignore it too, then I'm sure she'll drop what is becoming a very bad habit".

Explain it to DD as well, and say things out loud like 'Oh, kids are so insensitive! DD, don't be rude! Now come on, let's do this puzzle. Maybe Grandma can help'.

I think you should be trying to sort your MIL not your dd! Remember who's the adult.

Thank you all for replying, Hester, I really think you are right. DD treats as if it were a game and as I say she is like this with nobody else. Urghhhhhhhhh, am just dreading Christmas as I know GM will be more sensitive than usual as hates Christmas. I'll call her before hand and reiterate again. Hopefully some might go in.

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