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Arguing Siblings

8 replies

ratty1984 · 18/12/2011 10:43

No matter what i do for my children they are always arguing with each other and always wanting more,i have stretched the finances to the limit this Christmas so that they can be happy and have what they want,i love them so much but all of this arguing and asking 'can you stop that' after about 7 or more times can get a bit tedious and i feel like i have failed as a mother,need advice on disciplining them.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
carocaro · 18/12/2011 16:43

How old? I'd say just ignore them!

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 18/12/2011 16:53

Tell them to sort it out betweeb them. Don't play referee anymore.

Tenebrist · 18/12/2011 18:06

"i have stretched the finances to the limit this Christmas so that they can be happy and have what they want"

And therein lies the problem. Equating happiness to receiving x-amount of presents is inevitably going to lead to greedy, spoiled and dissatisfied children. Do less for them and get them to do more for you and each other, and encourage them to realise that selfless actions can make you happier. Maybe you should start it as a family New Year resolution. And act as a role model.

Fluffymonster · 18/12/2011 22:03

Read 'Siblings without Rivalry' - lots of good tips.

On the whole a bit of healthy bickering is normal, but don't let it become a weapon to be used, to get more stuff. Having lots of things won't stop them arguing, or automatically make them happy children - in fact it might make them worse, if they suspect that their arguing is what makes you try and give them what they want, in order to keep the peace!

I try (my kids are 2 and 4yrs):

To encourage sharing by saying to them "It's good to share, isn't it?" whilst demonstrating it myself.

Try and get them to think up their own solutions to fighting over toys - "I can see you both really want to play with it at the same time, but that's not going to work. Can you come up with any good ideas, on how you can both play with it nicely?"

Sometimes I will simply take the offending toy away if it carries on, as it's quite a good reminder that there are boundaries, and I mean what I say.

Catching them doing nice things for each other (like when I see them giving each other a helping hand, or showing thought and consideration for one another - I try and praise their actions, quite specifically, so they know exactly what it was they did 'right'. "That was really nice of you, to think of your sister then!"

Try not to take sides or label - such as 'the naughty one' or 'the smart one'. Try and make sure they both know they're loved for their individual qualities.

Arrange bits of quality time to spend with each of them, without the other sibling if possible. Perhaps the arguing is because they're vying for attention, and focussing on things, is just a distraction from that.

ratty1984 · 20/12/2011 20:29

Thanks for all of the advice,i was very down and the end of my tether the other day.
Maybe i do try to do too much and spend too much time trying to satisfy them,i have stretched money to the limit because i want them to have what me and my partner never did have.

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skybluepearl · 23/12/2011 00:01

if they are arguing lots maybe they are trying to get your attention? do you spend time alone one on one? one thing i find effective is sending them both to seperate bedrooms for 5 mins if they are having a go at each other. I have been know to do this over and over again until they start to play nicely - which does happen. you can also encourage them to 'take turns'. also try getting them out of the house for a run round.

whatdifferencedoesitmake · 23/12/2011 14:03

You sound like a top mum,
Getting you to be a referee is a bitter point scoring game based on who's side you will take. You can't win the game, you are always wrong in the eyes of at least one of your kids.
Best thing is to refuse to "play" whenever possible.

Going for a walk with one child at a time (if possible) gives them all your attention and costs nothing.

Those are some of the best bits I remember from being a kid - having chats while on a walk. Getting all that attention is 20 times better than gifts.
Hope things calm down for you, it does drive you nuts when it all kicks off and it is hard not to get sucked in.

Pancakeflipper · 23/12/2011 14:06

Some days it is unbearable in our home. Always one of them wandering in teary with a red mark on their face where the other one 'accidently' hit or kicked them.

Do read Siblings without Rivalry. It gives you a feeling of not being alone and tactics.

I agree with the others - time spent with them does reduce the warfare.

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