How do you ignore a tantrum when they start trashing the room?

[tanfastic]

Ladies, I need your help desperately. DS is 3.5 and is a gorgeous sweet boy most of the time and has always been prone to tantrums. He used to have them every day but over the last year they have become lesser but when he does have one they are more violent.

Tonight he had one that lasted 2 hours. He's just given up and gone to bed. We are utterly exhausted. What spurred it off was he came home from nursery tired and fell asleep at 6.30 in front of the TV so DH tried to carry him up to bed but he woke up. He then just completely hysterically kicked off and absolutely nothing we could do would calm him down. We tried ignoring and showing no emotion (which normally works) but then he started throwing things and trashing the bedroom. We've been advised the best way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore and show no emotion but what do you do when they start trashing the house to get attention? Do you just let them get on with it? I'm worried he's going to throw something at a window and smash it or something. I've tried removing him from the room but he just then starts trashing the next room. I've tried bribery, the naughty step etc. etc. but he is just in a complete trance like rage where you just cannot reason with him. It's almost like he's in another body and it's pretty frightening to watch. I think it frightens him as well. Once he has completely exhausted himself he will turn back into the sweet boy again saying he's sorry and asking for a cuddle. It's just heartbreaking.

DH said tonight he thinks there is something mentally wrong with him as he's not heard of any other kids like this and he needs to see a psychiatrist. I disagree because I go on parenting forums and see plenty of mums desperate like myself! He's not like it at nursery as i've asked them and they rave about what a gorgeous boy he is and has loads of friends, very popular, funny etc. He's only like it at home so I don't think there is any medical problem or anything.

I don't know what i'm asking for really - maybe some tips or someone to tell me my child is normal and he'll grow out of it. I've just ordered the book everyone raves about 123 Magic but it's not come yet. I'm hoping that will give me some tips about how to deal with him.
I actually feel better now i've written it down so thanks for reading

At 3.5 he is probably trying to tell you something, but doesn't yet have the words or emotional awareness to verbalise his thoughts.

My experience is with teens with behavioural problems so may not be relevant - I clicked on the thread just in case you were referring to an older child - but the last resort may be to sit him on your lap and hug him tight so that he can't damage himself or his surroundings. That's pretty last resort ie if he's self-injuring or hurting other people. I wouldn't use it for breaking toys etc.

Or, if you've the space, have a Calm Room where there are no toys, books, furniture, ornaments etc just lots of big floor cushions and/or beanbags. Whenever someone needs to be calm and quiet, either in a temper or just wanting to be alone, they can go to the Calm Room. So, if he gets overexcited you go and sit with him in the Calm Room. Role model it - go and sit there quietly and when he comes over tell him you need some Calm Time. Then, when he has a full blown screamer, put him in the place where the only stuff to throw is full of cotton wool

Oh, and stick with the minimal emotional reactions. Do not give in to the toddler

That is good advice but how do you create a calm room when there is no extra space?

A calm corner or nook, perhaps? Or even baby gate off a section of stairs?

Sorry, my experience is all with older kids and teens in a residential setting where there's loads of room

I don't personally have experience of this as my LO is only a baby, but I was reading about something similar in a blog recently. They used the firmly holding on the lap whilst not saying anything until they're completely calm method. May be worth a go?

I'm not sure why that would need to be a last resort?

Thanks for the replies. Our house isn't big enough to have a calm room (padded cell may be more appropriate ). Out of desperation I tried locking him in the bedroom to calm down but it just raised his fury and he started throwing things against the door whilst shouting he was scared/going to be sick/wanted to see me/needed the toilet. I also tried restraining him on my lap until he'd calmed down but he was too strong for me ( he's big for his age). Maybe next time dh could try this technique. After he'd calmed down I asked him what made him so angry and he said "cos I don't like nobody" he's said this on other occasions too when I've asked him. He usually follows it up with "but I'm being a good boy now mummy" and I'll say "do you feel better now" and he says "yes I do". Then everything is hunkydory again until the next explosion.

threenine appreciate you have a lo at the moment but you will come to realise how freakishly strong a toddler is. When DS was in that kind of rage I physically couldn't have restrained him certainly not without getting hurt so maybe that's why?

OP holding him might work (worth a try with DH perhaps but you have to give it some time to work, he will fight it). Or you can try to direct his rage towards cushions or pillows until he has got his frustrations out and calmed down. At this age he can't verbalise it but he's developing a deeper emotional range so he will get more cross than he used to. Ds at 5 is only just getting to the point where he can get himself out of the rages but not always if it's gone too far so creating coping strategies now will stand you in good stead!

Incidentally dh and I discussed and dissected how we dealt with last night's outburst and realised that we could probably have cut the time down quite a lot by remaining a lot calmer ( it's so hard to when he's kicking and punching you). I think if we'd both completely ignored him and walked away from the situation and maybe engrossed ourselves into doing something else he would have snapped out of it a lot sooner. The benefit of hindsight eh?

Last time he had a tantrum the neighbours started banging on the walls (it was 8pm) so I think we are trying too hard to get him to calm down by trying to reason with him but making the situation worse iywim. Dh went round to speak to the neighbour but she denied she banged on wall.
As ever he is my sweet apologetic little boy this morning.

Thanks Mercedes

The key thing here is tiredness. He came home from nursery and fell asleep before he was ready for bed.

This has been a very long and tiring half term. All the children are exhausted.

Prevention is far better and easier than cure. It is the end of term now, but I would suggest that you make sure he is fed, bathed and in his PJs and in bed for a story by 6.30. Try your best not to let his routine and sleep pattern go AWOL over Christmas. He will be over excited and overtired anyway, and you really don't want the holiday period to be one long series of tantrums.

Your DH woke him out of a deep sleep, he was probably disorientated and panic stricken.

Yes I think you are right, it's nearly always spurred by tiredness ( the rages). I am having a problem getting him to go to bed at the minute since we took his dummy off him three weeks ago. Come to think of it the rages have increased since then so that's probably a link. He used his dummy as a pacifier but since it's gone it's almost as if he doesn't know how to fall asleep by himself. He's not asked for the dummy back though but it's definitely why we are having sleep issues. He was already in his pj's last night so again in hindsight I should maybe have taken him up to bed earlier. 6.30 just seems so early but he is knackered after three full days at nursery.

You could try modelling the situation when he is calm, using teddies or puppets. Ask your DS how he thinks the "child" puppet feels, and why he thinks the puppet is behaving that way. Then ask how he thinks the "mummy" puppet feels, and what he thinks that puppet should do to help.
Often small children can better empathise with external situations presented as stories, than they can with their own situation.
Making it a story about puppets removes judgement and personal blame, and makes it less confrontational.

Arrr you ladies are great. Some fab suggestions thank you so much.

Hindsight is the brain's way of telling us how to get it right next time!

Parenting isn't something you get right first time, it's a learning process for the adult as well as the child. You're only a bad parent if you don't try to improve; getting it wrong once then learning from a mistake is GOOD parenting.

Is that one of the things I'll regret saying when I become a parent for the first time?

Your comments about how he is at nursery would appear to contradict what I'm about to say, but when first reading your post I did also think it sounded like your DS may have a psychological issue.

I know he was tired and that will exacerbate tantrums but the level of distress he showed seems surprising.

I don't have a 3.5 year old though so cannot speak from any experience - I just think it wouldn't hurt, especially given your partner's comments. His instinct shouldn't be ignored.

I don't want this post to seem inflammatory BTW, as it's a sensitive issue; I'm just giving you my honest opinion.

'...I just think it wouldn't hurt...'

Sorry - to have him assessed as your DH suggested. Didn't make that clear.

Two of mine would have tantrums like this when they were overtired. They're fine now!

Try getting him to sleep earlier, even if it means picking him up from nursery earlier (if you can). I would try to have him fed and ready for bed by six thirty if he is falling asleep n the couch at that time. Good luck.

Two of mine would have tantrums like this when they were overtired. They're fine now!

Try getting him to sleep earlier, even if it means picking him up from nursery earlier (if you can). I would try to have him fed and ready for bed by six thirty if he is falling asleep on the couch at that time. Good luck.

Definitely tiredness poor mite. My son is 3.3 years and started nursery in October. Initially the first week went well but by the second he was falling asleep when he got in then come later evening he was just miserable with tiredness. Crying over the slightest things and tantruming. I decided to cut his sessions to three times a week instead of five and he is back to his normal lovable happy self. He had also started crying over going to nursey, but with the three days a week he loves it and can't wait to go. As he gets older I will increase to four days and then five.

DD's tantrums were like that, I used to just put her in her room and go back when she started to calm down (well actually I did a fair bit of hovering outside her room, but she didn't know that, lol).

She was like something from the exorcist during one, but at nursery and what have she was a quiet, shy little thing and I got disbelieving looks about her tantrums, as it seemed so unlike what they were seeing.

She just grew out of them, I don't remember when exactly - but she'd stopped by the time she started school at 5, she's 11 now and definitely had no psychological problems.

If your DH wants to go for assessment/help it'll do no harm at all to do so, but it may well be something he just grows out of.

Agree with the tiredness factor. If he's falling asleep at 6.30 in front of the TV, then his body is trying to tell you that bedtime should be at 6.30. That sounds like a perfectly normal bedtime for a child his age, especially if he doesn't nap.

I feel some sympathy as I wake in a FOUL temper if woken before I've had enough sleep (although I'm old enough to have the self-control not to trash the place).

The loss of his comfort object (dummy) almost certainly is a factor too. Has he got something to help him cope without it eg cuddles from you, you staying in the room while he goes to sleep, a special cuddly toy?

Emmacate, what sort of psychological issue?

Angels, I've been sitting by his bed singing to him until he goes to sleep and that appears to be helping.

Great. :)

Just wanted to add I tried the 1-2-3 Magic technique for the first time yesterday (only half way through the book so far) and it does appear to be working. I have realised by reading the book that I'm doing so many things incorrectly. The Little Adult Assumption being the main one. This morning he started carrying on (not a tantrum exactly) but just whining that he wanted squash not milk when I'd already poured milk and I just looked straight at him, held up one finger and said "that's one" and he stopped straight away! He then sidled up to me and said "don't do that One Thing mum it makes me sad"

Beginners luck maybe but we will see.