I was never this cheeky / disrespectful. Why are my kids?

[FreezusOfNazareth]

My DDs attempt 6 & 7 years old and over the last 6 months they have become increasingly cheeky towards adults. One of mine was described as being disrespectful towards her teachers in her school report today.

I am a stickler for manners and good behaviour and I know this is a foul thing to write but there have been numerous times when I have been embarrassed by their behaviour.

I know kids are fun loving and a little bit craaaazzzyyy but they will not stop when asked / told to and they carry on regardless. I am ineffectual in my attempts to try and get them to calm down. I then get angry and shout. Even then they ignore me.

I would NEVER have behaved like this with my parents and I'd have been in big trouble if I was even remotely like that with friends parents / teachers / babysitters. I showed respect to adults. friends also say the same in that they were more respectful than this generation of children (although I wonder if they're saying all children but just meaning mine ).

Am I asking too much? How can I somehow engender some respect towards adults. I'm already pretty strict with them BTW.

Apologies for typos. Am on my mobile.

Do you use other punishments? ie taking stuff away? time out? Are you consistent? If you threaten something do you follow it through?

Well I was more respectful towards my parents than my children are towards me but I was also a little bit scared of them.
I don't want my children to be scared of me but it does mean putting up with a certain amount of what some people call 'back chat'.
They do seem to know that they can only be like that at home and not at school though. Parents evening last night confirmed that they don't lack respect at school.

Mine are also very close in age and when they get crazy it is hard to be heard. Sometimes I just pick up the smallest and take into another room with me, but soon she'll be too big for that!
The other thing is to just leave them to it if the first couple of attempts to break it up fail. Invariably one of them will go too far and the other will get fed up or slightly hurt. Then I have a quiet chat with that one about how I tried to get them to stop but they didn't listen. The next couple of times they listen but then they forget again. Wrestling is just too much fun!

They do pick up by example even if it is a slow process. I feel you need to be polite and respectful towards them the first time you ask them something. Of course, when they don't react, then you can holler 'shoes on, NOW!'

holy what's JFDI/STFU

Thanks

Showing my age, but I do think children are a lot more disrespectful these days - including my own DS (10) - I do feel that we are fairly strict parents, we always carry out the 'threats' when DS is rude/cheeky - and make him apologise, but he still continues to talk back (and gets into trouble at school for it). Like the op I wouldn't have dreamt of behaving that way when I was young. We have genuinely never found a 'punishment' that works - he doesn't mind going to bed early, or having pocket money confiscated, he doesn't have any expensive tech. toys or gadgets that we could take away - I would love to know what the answer is . We have tried 'reverse' bribary ie: if you behave you can get X - but this still doesn't work.

I find with my DCs that sometimes they know its rude, its deliberate, because they are angry with us but mostly they don't realise how they come across, so it helps them alot to be told, 'It would have sounded better if you'd have said it like this:

Punishment by withdrawal only works if it is something of value that is withdrawn.

For one of mine (9) screen time works, for the other (11), time with friends. But then again, since we cancelled 11s birthday at age 9 when she told me to clean her room and that if I didn't she would be embarrassed, we have had NO talking back or disrespect shown - she knows I WILL follow through with the thing that matters most.

Kids are disrespectful because people either let them be disrespectful , or lead by example. I was shocked when walking through their school - I held open a door - 2 teachers went through, and NEITHER said so much as a thank you!!!

Kids are disrespectful because people either let them be disrespectful , or lead by example - not sure I entirely agree with this ByTheWay1 - are you therefore saying that the parents of disrespectful children are enabling their behaviour? I consider that I have very good (old fashioned ) values, I don't believe I am ever deliberately rude or disrespectful; I wouldn't dream of swearing (even on Mumsnet!) - not that my DS swears but just to give you an idea of our 'normal' behaviour at home; good manners are incredibly important to my DH and I and yet our DS can be very rude and 'talks back' to us.

As I said earlier, I would love to find a punishment that really works but in ten years I never have.

ByTheWay1 I totally agree with you. People don't realise - just being 'nice' at your children doesn't work - everybody in the world tries it on at some point. All the prats who say (for everything) 'they are kids' need to get a grip and discipline their kids. This is not a dig at OP.

I thought Bytheway meant that children copy the examples of disrepectul adults such as those who don't say thanks to someone courteous.

Hi - sorry , had to go to bed... but yes, sometimes I do think that parents enable their kids disrespectful behaviour - if you continually say "that is not acceptable" from an early enough age, backed up by punishment for continued instances, and positive reinforcement for great behaviour then it does get there. As I said - I had to cancel a birthday celebration to get the message across, it made the point (sharply).

However, there are so many examples of lack of respect in the whole wide world around them, that they pick it up from EVERYWHERE, so extra efforts are needed at home to let them know that "We are not like that in this house". (I am unashamedly "The boss".)

Sorry - had to go out and I haven't had a chance to get back online. I have done all the things listed here. I'd say the carrot method is marginally more effective than the stick but giving rewards for behaviour that is expected isn't a precedent I am happy setting. Surely rewards should be for exceptional behaviour not just for everyday stuff?

I have always pulled them up on unacceptable behaviour and I always follow through on sanctions (and have also denied attendance at a birthday party ).

I am quite old fashioned in my expectations, I never swear around them nor would I ever want them to be scared of me. But I can't stand being back chatted to and disobeyed all the time. I am not enjoying my children at all at the moment because of this.

I agree that you shouldn't reward for things you expect on a day to day basis.

Have you tried ignoring the backchat? They may give up if they don't get a reaction.

The other thing is, have you explained why you encourage/discourage certain types of behaviour? Have you asked them to think about why respect is important and what life/school etc would be like if nobody respected anybody?

It's difficult to know what else to suggest without specific examples.

Sometimes I find that when I am worn out or stressed, things like this seem worse or more frequent than they really are, and when you feel negative about your children, it tends to fuel the bad behaviour. When I try to notice the times they don't do whatever it is that bothers me, I realise that it is more often than I think.

Sommewhereelse - your point about one's external stresses creating the problem with the children may well be what is causing it. We're having a load of building works at the moment and I find it all very difficult. I will bear this fact in mind in my reactions to their behaviour.

Just wanted to give another perspective on this. You say you are quite strict with your kids OP; do you think it is possible that you are being too strict? You say that you are not enjoying your children at all at the moment, which gives the impression that you are continually battling with them. I believe that if a parent is too controlling, the child will try to take power wherever they can, in areas which are more difficult for the parent to control - they can be devious little things! Perhaps you could think of small ways to give your children more responsibility and show you trust them? Then if this goes well you have the opportunity to praise them.

Other than that I agree with being calm, consistent etc as others have said. It's not always easy is it?!

I was smacked and sent to my room for bring cheeky, never minded much.
Got long lectures when I was older which I did mind. My Dad could be unbelievably boring and by the end I had generally forgotten what I'd said anyway.

I generally tolerate a lot more from my two, but can be pretty fierce if they over step the mark. DD2 sees her bedroom occasionally.
Fortunately neither of the DFs are naturally as rebellious as I was. They are lovely at school.
I was very cheeky because school were nothing like as strict as Dad.

I think you need to start coming down very firmly on the most serious disrespectful and hurtful comments. Decide on a sanction and stick to it.
Try and ignore silly attention seeking stuff as far as possible.
In this house its anything very disrespectful or defiant to grown ups or hurtful point scoring between the girls that's most likely to be punished.

My son is not perfectly behaved at all ... BUT I find he is very much more well behaved when I am in tune with him (sorry if that sounds really hippy!) what I mean is, when I have time to talk a lot to him and explain things. So when I want a certain behaviour to stop, if I've got time to really talk it through with him, he seems to respect that so much more and respond to it.

In the times when DH and I are just on at him and criticising - he gets soooo much worse.