Concerned about DS sensitivity - 3.5yo

[theoldheaveho]

I've ummed and aahed about posting this as I just can't decided whether to be concerned about this or not, but it has upset me for the second time this week so I'm looking for a bit of advice really.

DS started at a nursery when he was about 18 months old, but I had to take him out after a few months as he wouldn't settle, and I was continually getting calls from the key workers to go and collect him as he was so unsettled (hysterical crying, inconsolable).

At around 2 we went to a lovely toddler group where they all played games, but he was the only child who wouldn't listen to what the leader asked, didn't wait his turn, sit still, or join in - he just wanted to run up and down the hall, taking the toys and props from other teams and getting in the way. If I tried to explain to him what to do, or restrain him, he would just wriggle and wriggle and ignore me or look the other way. If I became firmer he would start having a meltdown and dropping to the floor.

He started pre school at 2.7 and after a few weeks of tears, he seemed to settle in well, but any change to the usual routine (parties, going to another room, moving up a class) causes him a lot of anxiety and he has terrible meltdowns.

He is now 3.5 and this week they had their nativity play - as soon as I walked in to the room with the other parents to watch he started crying and was desperately trying to get down from the small stage to get to me. He got so hysterical that the teacher had to lift him over to sit with me and he missed his play .

Then today they had their school party, which he seemed nervous about, but I managed to get him to go. However I had a call to ask if I could go and pick him up early as he was very very upset and they had had to take him into a room on his own to calm down. it transpires that they had Father Christmas, which he had got upset about, however after calming down he refused to go back into the room with all his friends.

There have been odd occasions outside of these where he has these "meltdowns", if there is something that he doesn't like eg. characters at Disney, etc.

The other thing is that he always "on the go" - he has been like this pretty much since he was born - until he was about 3 months, and was always trying to "get away", by trying to get over my shoulder, strongly wriggling around in my arms when he was a bit older, and bolting off once he learnt to walk. If he was in his bouncer chair or high chair, he would rock backwards and forwards for ages - he just doesn't seem to be able to stay still.

Now he is older, he runs everywhere in the house - I tell him several times a day not to. Also if you are walking along the street, he is constantly trying to pull your arm, swing forwards, skip, jump and run - never just walk normally. He is also very excitable, jumps up and down a lot.

I know that a lot of what I have posted is "normal" behaviour, but it really does seem to be only my child that is acting like this. It has really upset me this week that he was the only child in the whole preschool who couldn't do his nativity or join in with his friends at the party .

His diet is pretty good - he eats a lot of vegetables, chicken, fish and fruit, but he does have the odd treat (chocolate, crisps, chips,etc).

What do you think - should I be concerned, or does anyone have any advice on how to deal with things? It is making me quite sad and stressed.

I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but this sounds a lot like my DS3 as a toddler/young child. He has dx of Asperger's.

The routines, the melt downs, not listening to adults, excitability etc. I suggest you look online for some Autistic spectrum check lists (there are lots!), do some of the checklists and ask yourself is your son may need some further investigation - If he does have ASD issues, it's really important for his education that he gets a dx as this will help the school help you DS to learn more effectively and interact with his peers more.

Hmm, well I suppose I have to be honest and say that the thought had crossed my mind - often.

But not having any experience of ASD disorders or symptoms, I wouldn't really know where to begin. I also haven't wanted to become worried about something unnecessarily if it could just be put down to normal behaviour.

I did look at a few of those tests yesterday and they all seemed to say that he does not show signs of an ASD disorder, but I don't suppose Google can diagnose it anyway!

Apart from this week, his school has not had any concerns about him at all, so I don't really have a lot to go on at the moment.

It's just annoying not knowing one way or another.

Well of course the check lists can't diagnose (that's a long and drawn out process), they are intended to give you an idea if your DC may have the condition - the more signs a DC displays, the higher the chance that they have they have it, but some DC with ASD will show few typical signs, and some "normal" DC may have quite a few signs.

I have to say tho', from your PO, I picked up quite a few "signs"....... some check lists are for older children/teens, but there are toddler/young children ones too which are more relevant to pre-school age DC.

It's interesting that you say you have wondered about ASD, it's funny, mums often have that feeling, I know I did, from about 18months. The trouble is, ALL of the signs of ASD could be "normal", it's just when you put them all together, it's not! It can be pretty sad when a DC is with a group of other DS and you see that your DC is the only one not able to cope/behave as expected. I think you just have to be really aware of how he continues to develop, and if you feel he's still "out off step" with the other kids in a few months, talk to you GP about your specific concerns. IF he has issues, the earlier they are diagnosed the better. If he is normal/typical, then it will put your mind at rest - there may still be strategies that can be suggested for use at pre-school/home, to help him integrate better with his peers, even if he has no particular problems.

Good luck

Hi, my DS sounds similar to your DS, he is 3.9.
Up until starting school nursey in September I had loads of problems with him. He went to a playgroup 2 days a week for 3hrs a day where he was eventually settled, but took ages, he went there from 2yrs. He would play alongside other children but not with them. He does not like sharing, and to me he looked like he did not know how to interact with others. At the playgroup parties he would cling to me and cry and not join in. He would not sit in circle time or do any group activities like nativities.
I took him to a small friendly gymnastic group where they would do half organised and half free play. He refused to join in at all and would run around on his own at the back or fiddle with the equipment. (He had been going to play sessions since he was 1, so was used to the place). All the other children some younger would join in running in circles, jumping and having fun.

I took him to friends parties where he would refuse to go in and cling to me.
Soft play was also a challenge if there was more than 2 other children in there. He would panic and say he wanted to go home. Even going to the park if there were too many children there he would want to go home.
He complains about noise but makes loads himself.
At home he would never sit still, not really interested in TV, or books he would just go from one thing to another making mess not still at all.

I was worried about him because of not being able to play with other children and because his gross motor skills were poor ie could not jump.

HV sent a nurse to observe him. They said he was fine. Playgroup said he was fine. He is just sensitive. (he cries at sad programmes or music)

Anyway,since he has started school nursery, I have seen such an improvement. He took 2 weeks to settle. Now he sits at circle time, he has started to play with others although I still thinks he looks awkward and unsure. When I take him to soft play he is better. Joined in school play and even went over to be with big school. All the things that other children do with no problem he is starting to do, slowly.

I still worry about his social skills but school say he is doing ok and that he is sensitive.

I was an extremely sensitive child, and did not fare well at school. So I am hoping that DS overcomes his problems.

Not really much help, but I have definitely seen improvement, and I am hoping to have a party for his 4th birthday.

Perhaps your DS just needs a little more time to get used to things.

Sounds a lot like my ds too. He has a diagnosis of aspergers traits. He is 5 1/2 and was the only child to find the Xmas carol service too noisy and had to leave the hall the other day.

sorry you had a bad nativity play. I'd be tempted to learn a bit more about "sensory integration" which is the process we go through to balance all the information our brain is getting from our senses. The running around could be sign that he just doesn't "feel right" unless he is moving. If something like that is going on, you'll want to know it so you can parent/discipline appropriately.

good luck.

Hi everyone and thanks for your replies .

You see DS will sit in circle time as far as I am aware, and at had no issues at the summer party that they had. He enjoys being with his friends, sharing toys(though not always), loves pretending to be animals, superheroes, and doing "tea parties" with his sister.

He seems to have "grown up" a lot in the past year - he will now listen to instructions and take turns etc, but if he is tired or excited, he tends not to listen as much, and that's when he just wants to run off and do his own thing.
In fact he has had a really bad cold and cough for the last week, so I'm sure that added to his anxiety with the nativity and Father Christmas.

He is really confident in going up to children, even if he doesn't know them, and asking if they would like to play, etc.

He sounds very similar to your DS chimphead, in that he is quite "clingy" in new situations, in that I know that if I took him to a child's party and I wasn't staying, he would probably get upset and want me to stay. He is also sensitive in that he won't watch Finding Nemo because the fish gets lost, and if he sees a child on their own in the street, he worries about where their mummy is. Having said that, he will sit still and watch TV, do a puzzle or read a book. Great that you have seen an improvement in your Ds though - hopefully he will keep getting better.

I've been told that he will play beautifully on a one on one situation with a child, but doesn't tend to want to join in with a big group.

I will look into that sensory integration too, thank you.

I am going to make an appointment to go and see the GP to discuss things and see what they say, but I think I'll leave until January and just try to enjoy Christmas first.

Thanks again!

Hi the theoldheaveho

My DS is 3years and 5 months and he doesn't like to take parts in circle times - story times etc. He is a very bright little boy, very imaginative like yours, being a superhero using his laser finger against crocodiles etc. He can come up with very clever comments like today when I said we are stuck in traffic jam he said do you know a short cut mummy? My jaw almost dropped! He can be jealous of his younger brother who is 1.5 y/o. He can hit him if he is hit by his brother (although I am asking him not to hit back) but he is definitely not an aggressive child. He tolerates his friends taking the toys here and there but doesn't really like to share much yet. I am Turkish myself and I am quite surprised how much is expected in this country from young ones - not a criticism but only an observation. My boy can be quite energetic too, but again he is a boy! Boys love running around - according to my DH he was just like that too. My DS likes puzzles, enjoys one to one alot i.e. books etc with me or Daddy. The real thing we are trying to work on is him running off from us such as places like shopping centres etc. He was so bad when he was 2 we had to have him in straps- he is so much better now but gets distracted alot so that we can keep asking him to walk or keep up with us. I am trying to explain to him that we don't want to lose him - he shouldn't run away etc. but he did it again once today. :(
The nursery pre school he goes to (last 4 months) wants to get him assessed for his disregard to the dangerous situations (such as running off, not spatially being well aware of his surroundings (being clumsy) etc.) also mentioned to us that he is not very interested in circle times. So I agreed even though I really don't feel like he has any issues I cannot ignore their concerns. The GP I took him to was not concerned and said that we are expecting too much from him (I said it wasn't me!). I honestly think if you feel concerned you are doing the right thing by taking him to the GP but to me it sounds like a shy little boy you have there - I mean they are still very young and them getting worried over things (even a nativity play can be a daunting thing for them!) to me sounds quite a normal thing to get upset about (in my boys nativity play ther were about 5 children missed the play crying on their mummys laps- mine was on the stage trying to take the centre role!) but again it's good to see someone professional and put your mind at rest. Best of luck and keep us posted.

Hi nonickname

It's funny what you say re your DH being just like that -my mother in law says that DH was just like DS as a child, in fact, worse, in that he would never sit still and do a puzzle etc. DH is still a bit like that now - he does everything fast, is always on the go - in fact he can be positively hyperactive - singing and dancing around, doing silly voices etc (Yes I am married to this 44 year old man ) I do sometimes wonder if this all rubs off on DS or has been passed on genetically!

Sorry to hear you're having trouble with your ds running off - my Ds used to try to run off a lot (which resulted in him spending a lot of time in his buggy) - and still will do so if he is excited enough, but I have tried to tell him that it is dangerous and that he could get hit by a car or get lost. He does understand this, and is mostly compliant - but if he saw one of his friends running ahead, then he tries to break away. He does also seem to be worse on some days than others. I'm not sure if it's down to lack of sleep, too much energy, foods he's eaten or none of these?

Thanks for your reply - it's reassuring.