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Empathy - What age?

19 replies

3cutedarlings · 16/12/2011 12:11

At what age do children develop empathy? say when they see another child hurt or they do something that upsets or hurts another child/person?

OP posts:
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SpagBollyandtheIvy · 16/12/2011 12:14

I don't know how you tell when it's empathy vs just being upset that something has gone wrong, or copying. My DS who is just 2 cried when I tripped over the other week, but that could've been due to the loud shriek I made. He also tried to put some of his eczema cream on DH's stubbed toe to make it better, but that's probably because we tell him it makes his sore legs better

3cutedarlings · 16/12/2011 13:14

Thanks for your reply spagbol Smile

OP posts:
MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 16/12/2011 13:16

18 months ish.

deaconblue · 16/12/2011 13:18

I think it develops at very different rates in children. DD was quite empathetic by 2, ds was probably 4 before he showed much empathy and even now isn't particularly empathetic with non-family members. Dh is 38 and not the most empathetic chap!

Grumpla · 16/12/2011 13:20

My DS is about 2.5 and he says "poor So-and-So" if someone else is visibly hurt / upset.

Not very consistent though as we are still trying to teach him that hitting people hurts and that therefore he shouldn't do it... Angry

SpagBollyandtheIvy · 16/12/2011 13:48

That's a good point. They can be demonstrating what you think is empathy one minute, then the next minute sinking their teeth into your shoulder, just because they can :o

mrspear · 16/12/2011 13:52

With other children ds, just turned 2, shows concern but if I or dh hurt ourselves he laughs!

lastdayofterm · 16/12/2011 13:57

Two of mine from 18 months whilst one still has no empathy aged 7. Appears totally oblivious to suffering of others even if he has caused it and is totally self centred Presuming he takes after his uncle who still has no empathy aged 40 even for our parents.

OP -Do you have a concern that it is a sign of something else?

RunningOutOfIdeas · 16/12/2011 13:59

I think it also depends on the situation. DD (3.5)will definitely show empathy if I hurt myself, because she can understand how it feels to be hurt. She is less likely to show empathy in other situations where she might not really understand why some one feels sad.

3cutedarlings · 16/12/2011 14:29

Lastdayofterm

Yes there are concerns (but everything is in hand, so to speak).

I have 3 DC, the eldest has ASD and she doesnt really do empathy in any shape or form really, tho she has learnt to give a hug ect if she sees a friend is upset ect.

DD2 is well just mother earth and i swear she was born to naturally care for everyone and everything around her! Grin

DS is almost 3 and well he is just a monster whole new thread Grin

OP posts:
nellieellie · 16/12/2011 18:01

I know a child who had tests for ASD when just 5. They do a "sally-ann" test - take a couple of toys/figures, one of which does not "see" a switchover - eg tester swaps a cup that ball is under - out of sight of one of the toy figures. Then asks child "so what cup will Woody choose if we ask him where is the ball". If the child is able to see things from another person's point of view, they will of course give correct answer - if not, they point to the cup that they know the ball is under. Apparently a child of 5- 6 will normally get this. A normal 5 yr old may not - but will a bit later. This is genuine empathy - I guess a "compassionate" response before this is seen as upset caused by an out of the normal incident or copying responses from others. The child concerned did not "get" the test at just over 5 but this was not considered abnormal at this age.

cjn27b · 19/12/2011 15:45

nellieellie you are describing the Theory of Mind test designed by Simon Baron-Cohen (an ASD expert at Cambridge and relation of the actor / comedian). It is used to determine if kids might have ASD amongst a number of other tests. Children may not develop theory of mind till about 7 or 8 I think, but normally do around 5 or 6.

8oreighty · 19/12/2011 15:50

I have twins and I saw flashes of empathy in them as soon as they were able to react with each other and play together... definitely from one or so. If they had something nice to eat they would wait until the other one was ready and then watch each other eating, and get pleasure from each other's reactions...they did the same with dummies they would give their dummies to each other and watch as the other one sucked, and it satisfied them...And they would get quite upset if someone in a book was lonely, or hurt from about age two.

mrspepperpotty · 19/12/2011 17:25

I remember reading an article that reckoned age 3-4 before you can expect them to have empathy

lingle · 19/12/2011 19:52

so nellieellie according to your (or SBC's) theory you'd only have empathy once you understood concepts such as "secrets" and having an opinion that is "wrong".
my son is just getting these at 6.4 but was able to demonstrate his love for his older brother at 2.4.

Tgger · 19/12/2011 23:37

Well, my 5 year old is much more empathetic than my 3 year old. She will say "poor so and so" but this is a learnt response really, whereas he is starting to take others feelings into account and will negotiate etc in shared play.

TottWriter · 20/12/2011 11:29

Yeah, empathy arrives at roughly the age of 4. There was a chap called Piaget who did a lot of work on children's mental growth. (Handy wiki link here: Piaget's Theory)

It doesn't really go into the empathy side, but my tutor (I did a course which covered this a bit) said empathy arrives with the third stage, which covers ages (approximately, of course) 4-11.

Obviously some children develop it earlier, and some later, but that's a good ballpark figure.

My DS is 3 at the moment, and he clearly hasn't got it. He spends half his time pushing his little sister; he just doesn't get that it makes her sad. Basically, he enjoys the game, therefore she must too, apparently. It's incredibly frustrating having done that dratted course though, because I keep waiting for the next stage to arrive, and obviously, wanting him to get there won't make it happen!

TottWriter · 20/12/2011 11:40

Also, they don't develop every facet in sequence. Some will obviously have to happen before others, (so, they can't talk before they understand speech, etc.), but it's not like there's a checklist and you have to tick off A before you can get to B.

So, lingle, what it means is that most children would, in your example, understand about secrets before getting empathy, because understanding the concept of keeping a secret implies that you understand that people have different minds and don't just know and feel everything you do. Empathy means knowing that other people have thoughts and feelings of their own. Now, some children would understand that before understanding why we keep secrets sometimes, and before having the restraint to to it and keep a surprise secret, say. Some would get both sort of together.

Mind you, that is an entirely different thing to expressing love. My son still doesn't have any empathy at all, or much ability to reason beyond "but I want this, so you must give it to me", but he knows he loves his little sister. Her being there makes him happy, so he loves her, but he can't understand that she wants things that are different to him, and that she has motivations entirely of her own. If she does something, it must relate to him somehow, etc..

It's the reason young children so often say that they don't love you any more, or why some children list the things they love and toys are above siblings. They know the word "love", and that it is a good thing, but they don't really understand it with the same depth that we do as adults.

mumsgonemad123 · 22/12/2011 22:25

i have twin boys and i would say it has developed (slowly) between around 2 to 2.5. they are 2.5 now and are generally quite lovely with each other, talk in complete sentences and if one is upset the other will attempt to console or suggest something. 'maybe he want a choccie biscuit' maybe he want cuddle' etc...lol! but at 18 months they were just horrible to each other and would bite, push, pull hair, snatch toys, slap each other, was a nightmare for a while!

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