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Worried about 6 y/o son making friends...

7 replies

Vickidfrs · 15/12/2011 16:47

Hi I'm new to the site so hope this is in the right place...I'm a bit worried about my 6 year old - he doesn't seem too bothered by it really but I'm a bit concerned that he only seems to really have one friend at school - he's really happy at home, has 3 younger brothers (4, 2 and 8 weeks) and me and his dad but he doesn't like school, I suppose that's normal really but his reason for disliking it is "because everyone's stupid" :-S he is ridiculously intelligent, as are his brothers - and he seems to find the work far too easy which is a whole other issue that I'm trying to sort with the school but he's so ahead of the other kids I think he finds it hard to talk to them :( I suppose I have 2 main worries - 1) that he'll feel ostracised and it might start to make him unhappy (As I said - he doesn't really like school but as yet it's not having too big of an impact in terms of him being upset over it - he's as happy as ever but I'm concerned that might change as he gets older) or 2) that he'll "dumb down" as it were to fit in so he can make friends...I hope that he's savvy enough and clever enough not to fall into that but I suppose I just want to make completely sure he doesn't...and I certainly don't want to do it for him which has, believe it or not, been suggested a couple of times!! That I should stop letting him learn so much at home - his favourite TV shows are QI and Doctor Who - both of which he learns a lot from and he reads an awful lot...I really don't see anything wrong with it and I don't want to dumb him down just so he can have more friends...but I also don't want him to be lonely, or like I said, take it upon himself to pretend to be less clever than he is...I'm at a loss to be honest :-( I didn't think I'd be worrying about this for a LONG time yet.

So should I do anything? If so WHAT? Anyone had similar issues? HELP!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
liveinazoo · 15/12/2011 17:08

other than tackling the school or maybe considering private tuition in maths/english if finances allow to allow him to continue developing?personally id be a bit concerned one my lot didnt want someone "dumb as a friend" unless that a deefence mechanism.none my kids have many friends but happily play tog at home and are contented with that,i think.have you considered a after schol activity where he can share somethingin common with others that doesnt involve academic intelligence?

Vickidfrs · 15/12/2011 17:22

I realised after I wrote that it made him sound like a right precocious little sod it's not like that at all it was me trying to get my point across...badly! He's very kind to everyone and has friends outside school from activities but they're all older than him...or younger and he treats them more like he treats his little brothers than "friends" I think his "everyone's stupid" comment was just frustration over his boredom at school because he gets held back rather than actually being mean to the kids (I know for a fact he'd never say anything like that to their face) perhaps if the school do start giving him something a bit more challenging and interesting things might look up in that respect as well :-)

OP posts:
oldmum42 · 15/12/2011 17:31

Oh dear. You have my sympathies, you could be describing my DS1, right down to the fact we were told by both his pre-school and his primary school (at various times, but several teachers), to stop answering his questions, to not let him read grown-up books and magazines and to not watch documentaries on tv!
He was bullied at and hit by one boy (1st year of high school) every time he scored well in a class test, this boy actually tried to make him write wrong answers.
DS1 Tested 8 years above his age at age 5 1/2, and not surprisingly hated school, though everyone was "stupid" (not nice for him to say, but that was the frustration talking). Work was supposed to be differentiated at school after the testing (done at the request of the school), but the teacher refused to do this on the grounds that DS1 refused to do the easy work first (bored to actual tears). Had an awful couple of years in primary, then we changed schools as he had gone into full school refusal mode, being sick every morning etc. New school was a lot more supportive but not perfect - still a lot of resistance to teaching him to his potential. By mid way through high school, he was pretty much self taught, allowed to do his own research in school when school tasks were done, and he was a much happier boy (the teachers realised he needed to DO stuff and a lot of that stuff was beyond them, all but 1 teacher in his last year were happy to let him read and learn ahead). He did a number of extra subjects to exam level, at school but without taking the classes, all self motivated learning.
DS1 is now 18 and a Student at Oxford. It has been a long and very tough journey for him, and us, but he is so HAPPY surrounded by lots of people who are just like him for the first time.

Obviously, the social side of things, you need to handle very carefully, your DC may be very clever, but he is still a 6 year old. He needs to taught to respect other kids and their abilities. Tell him some kids learn faster than others, some need more practice, some need less, but that doesn't mean he is better than them, and stupid is not acceptable to say to people. Computer games and sports are things that he can have in common with other DC of different abilities, make sure he knows how to do "small talk" and draw out the other childs interest. He may find it easier socially to chat about football/computer games with other DC, this is not the same as "dumbing down", he should be encouraged to be proud of his abilities and to work hard,
and always do his best, but he needs to learn how to interact with other DC is own age - and I do appreciate that can be very difficult when there is a real gulf in where he is academically compared to most of his age-peers.

The history channel (and similar), QI (and similar), The New Scientist (and similar), are all fantastic resources, if he's not ready for them, they won't hold his interest. My DS loved all that sort of thing from age 5/6, would have went barmy if (as the nursery/school suggested), we didn't let him read/watch. He needed that mental stimulation.

BTW, I also have 4 v. bright DS!

Good luck!

oldmum42 · 15/12/2011 17:36

Gravitating towards older kids is something a lot of really bright kids do, as they will be more in line with them mentally.

And with the much younger kids, they can take on a teacher/mentor role.

It's all very, very familiar, sounds really like my DS1!

bubby64 · 15/12/2011 17:51

I agree! my ds1 is like this, and he got very upset when in both yr 3, 4 and 5 when his "friends" in year 6 left for high school, as he felt he had no-one to talk too. He also used to get very frustrated when he was made to do some of the work the rest of the class were doing, as he found it "boring" The worst thing was when he was made to go through the whole series of books in each reading level as he had a reading age 4yrs + above his actual age, the relief when he was finally made a "free reader" was enormous. He dealt with things by joining the scout movement, where acaedemic skills were not the priority, and he was given the opportunity to learn new practical skills at the same rate as his fellow members. This did, in part, transfer over to the school, where he had something in common with his fellow year group. He is now year 6 himself, and has also sorted himself out by helping a lot with the little ones in the school.

bubby64 · 15/12/2011 17:59

Oh, and as for his twin- He is almost as bright, but he considers doing any sort of extra work, even for his own amusement, "boring", and is quite happy to go along with the crowd! He is sporty and would far rather expend his energy playing football/by the school he could be in the "Gifted and Talented" classes with his brother, but that would mean actually listening to and then doing what he was told, and putting a bit of effort into things, and could even lead to extra homework, which is something he is quite happy to let his brother do without him, thank you very much!

bubby64 · 15/12/2011 18:02

Sorry, don't know what happened there It was meant to say "He was told by the school he could be in the "Gifted and Talented" etc

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