9 year olds at other people's houses/how much supervision?

[tigerdriverII]

DS (9, nearly 10) had a friend home the other day. Not that unusual really, of course. but the behaviour of this child, plus DS being egged on by him (DS no angel but generally reasonably behaved even with the excitement of pals), was extraordinary. They just trashed the place basically including pulling doors off hinges (how, I don't know, I don't think I could do this!), throwing all sorts of (my) stuff everywhere, knocking things (eg furniture) over, jumping on coffee tables like they were trampolines, etc etc. Anyway, I'd assumed from general experience, that two nearly 10 year olds don't need an adult in the room at all times, that actually they should be able to "play nicely": am I just naive?

No, you're not being naive. DS1 is 9 and he has friends round quite a bit. They make a bit of mess in his bedroom, and sometimes elsewhere but nothing worse than that. He did have a friend round once that thought it would be a good idea for him and DS1 to eat all the sweets that were in the house for Halloween. He never came round again.

Has this friend been to your house before?

No, he hasn't, and I can tell you he isn't coming again, and actually DS said that "I didn't really enjoy it that much". Friend (not school, from extra-school activity) also deleted everything from a PS3 game, OK DS can start from scratch so no biggie, but he was miffed. Re the door, friend suggested "don't tell your mum, we can say we found it like that". Yeah, right, I wouldn't have noticed if my house was falling apart....

How much supervision do you give them, though? I will not spend three hours or so babysitting 9 year olds in the same room, I dont have three hours. I was cooking in the kitchen through the carnage!

I wouldn't expect to supervise my 9 year old when he has friends over. This boys behaviour sounds absolutely appalling. We have strict rules about not taking food upstairs and not jumping on the sofa but generally they play well with no supervision. They usually eat crisps, play a bit of cricket or football in the garden then play a bit of xbox, a game of monopoly, watch some tv and then they go home. I rarely get involved and they don't tend to make a mess so your experience sounds very unfortunate.

Both

Thank you, I didn't think I was over-reacting - Benandholly, that's exactly what I thought they'd do, and what normaly happens, eg I say no food in the sitting room, and, er, there's no food in the sitting room. I feel a bit mean as I like the mum and I can see that she would like this child to spend more time with DS, but it's a huge no now. I'd not really expect to see anything of them apart from feeding time, and I wouldn't expect to be a policeman. DH was furious (as some of the trashed things were his (like a v expensive stereo which wasn't broken, but was bashed about)) and basically said no friends allowed unless someone (eg me) supervises. I have a lot of sympathy for DH's pov, but definitely am not prepared to supervise minute by minute.

That sounds like a nightmare! My ds is 9 and other than keeping an ear out to what's going on, I don't feel the urge to supervise as such. I'll occasionally intervene if I can hear the pitch go up a notch, but that's all I've ever had to do.
I see your DH's POV, and I'm sitting here in my judgey pants thinking you really need to have a word with the mum, but taking my judgey pants off, I've no idea how on earth you'd broach the subject, especially re the likes of DH's stereo and a door off its hinges.
I think it's perfectly reasonable never to let that child within a mile of your home again!

Thanks!

I wasn't going to say anything to the mum, I felt embarrassed for the kid to be honest, despite his awful behaviour but DS (to his credit) made them both fess up to the door incident when we dropped him back (I'm sure you can imagine the tight-lipped journey home!). I just didn't think I could say "well, that's the tip of the iceberg", I know that was a bit cowardly but I suspect this isn't the first time there has been an attempt at playdates (horrid word, but you know what I mean) that have gone wrong. I won't have any compunction though, if there's a suggestion of another meeting, at explaining why it won't be at our place.