Should I be concerned for DS1's friend?

[letmehelp]

They're in yr6. The friend joined the school part way through year 5 and has been one of the "crowd" DS1 runs with for a while. DS1 doesn't have "best friends" as such, but has a close knit group of 6-7 boys, which seems usual for boys?

Anyway DS1 seems to like this new friend and he's been to tea at our house once. They live about 2 miles from school out of catchment with at least 2 other primary schools nearer to home (unusual at this school, it's not the kind of school people fight to get into iyswim)

Organising the tea was hard work as mum is never at school - he waits for his older brother (14yo ish) to get off his school bus here and they walk the two miles home together. DS1 kept on though so I gave him a note with my contact no and his friend's mum called me to arrange. Tea was fine, seems like a nice boy, brother came to collect him (also very pleasant) and mum text me thanks.

Over tea, I made some inquiries about why he'd moved school and where they'd lived before etc, but he didn't answer any of my questions, telling me it was a "long story" or he couldn't remember.

Anyway, yesterday DS1 got a Christmas card from him which says "Dear DS1, you've been my best friend, thank you for your support" Which 1) seems like a strange thing for 10 yo to say and 2) is sad that he felt the need for "support".

DS1 first tried to hide the card which naturally made me seek it out and when I asked him about what it might mean / why his friend wrote it I get "dunno"

So, over thinking or cause for concern?

Ok, so I'm worrying over nothing I'm good at that!

there may be all sorts of reasons for this

his mum may have mental health issues, he may have been bullied at old school etc etc

your son has obviously been a good friend so be proud of that and as long as his friend doesn't show any signs of abuse etc then I wouldn't worry

I think you're right that its saf a 10yo feels the need for support, but given the circs I wouldn't think there is much you can do about it. Sounds like life was pretty tough for him. How about sending a friendly hello text to mum and see if she responds?

I'd just take it as he thinks your ds has helped him settle in to the new school and perhaps helped him out in some ways (perhaps kept bullies away from him).

He may decide to tell you what, if anything, he knows when he's good and ready!

it sounds as though both of them have behaved well. I think they deserve their privacy. I'd limit it to saying "it's good to think that you are able to support another child who needs it" - without any questions or questionning tones of voice.
If your child wants to tell you, he will.

I'm thinking that the word support is an odd one for a boy that age to use. I wonder whether he's heard his mother/parent use it. In which case maybe they've fled DV or even witness protection?

I would also think it's unlikely he's being currently abused, though possible fled abuse. So on that basis I wouldn't worry about him. Although I might keep a friendly eye out to see if I could support the mum/parent if the occasion arose.

The only thing I think I'd add is on the basis of the suggestions I've come up with I would be extra careful not to use friend's name online (eg. Ds and friend Y did.... status on fb) or post any photos that have him in. But I would err on always checking with parents before I did that anyway for any child.

Thank you all, I don't have any specific concerns Beer, just that something seems odd. I expect the fact that I haven't met his mother doesn't help.

I did offer to drive him home (I usually take DSs' friends home that way I have control over hometime!) but she insisted she wanted to collect and then sent her older DS (who was very polite and 20 mins early). The friend had been happy all the time he was here, but on hearing the door was off like a shot, didn't finish his drink or desert.

I suppose I just had the feeling that he was hiding something and then this card made me think of it again. Of course none of it's any of my business. The boy does seems happy and well cared for.

I wouldn't dream of posting names or photos DeWe

Hi my dd1 has been in similar situations with friends before. Turns out friends were in hiding from dv ( although I didn't find out directly from mum) so I did tread very carefully. Friend sadly had to move on again when father was released from prison so could be similar situation. I personally would encourage the friendship as it sounds like the boy needs it and seems he is nice enough. However don't expect invites back as mum may need to keep her addres secret for many reasons

Yes, I think there must be something. Apparently DS1 noticed that his friend was "sad" after lunch today, but friend wouldn't say what was wrong, so DS1 told the teacher who said she'd have a word with the boy after school. She did apparently keep him back for a chat, so maybe she's aware of whatever issues there may be.

Which means I don't need to worry, doesn't it?

I sometimes worry that DS1 doesn't get social cues, but he's obviously putting it on for my benefit

I am thinking hiding from a DV abuser, too, they just need to keep a lot private. If you are really concerned you could bring it up with the school (discreetly) who are almost certainly in the full picture.

Is it really any if your concern? The child is polite and well behaved, he seems like a good friend of your ds. It's really none of your business.

I disagree with the last post. I don't think you are being nosy, just showing concern which is, imo, essential to being a member of a community.

Beyond that, the others make sense: seems like there is something; like the school know; and like you should be proud of your son for being thoughtful and sensitive.

what is dv please?

Domestic Violence.