Disheartened by 'routines'

[kcj748]

I know that you should never put too much stock in what people say or what you read as every baby and mother is so different. But I am getting really disheartened. I have been trying to get my four week old son into a routine and it just isn't happening. All the books say that it will take a matter of days, a week at most and I've been trying for a lot longer than that! The books make it sound so simple but they don't say that you will have to put up with a hell of a lot of crying to make it work. I don't rush to him as soon as he makes a noise or grizzles a little but he seems to cry and cry I spent three hours trying to settle him to sleep the other day.

Can anyone give me any advice on how they made a routine work for them? I would really appreciate hearing some real life experience on following the books that is a bit more realistic than all the examples they have of mothers doing the routine and seeing results in 24 hours!

Thanks so much.

Agree with most of the above.

Babies' body clocks don't mature to distinguish properly between day & night till 6-8 weeks, most don't start developing circadian (daily) rhythms till 3 or 4 months and most aren't in synchronisation with the 24-hour day until ten months.

Even if you have a 'routine', it won't last long as they change so fast at this age. DS put himself into his own little (very predictable) routine from 3 weeks which was very nice - except at 6 weeks it disappeared and he didn't really become very predictable until 4 or 5 months.

The one piece of advice I wish I'd had was to try for a nap by the time they've been awake for 1.5 hours, or they're likely to end up overtired and struggle to sleep.

Research indicates that babies whose mothers rush to their side at every grizzle and cry between 0-6 months go on to cry much less aged 6-12 months than do babies whose mothers who are less prompt to respond to them. So responding to your baby is good for your long-term sanity as well as for your little one.

Agree 4 weeks is very young to try to get onto a routine, especially one prescribed by a book. I would leave it for a few weeks or even a month or two, enjoy cuddling and being with your newborn, and then see what your baby is like when they're just a bit older. That way you can develop a routine that suits their particular natural patterns, picking and choosing tips from the books, the web and other people you meet along your travels. I never thought I was a 'routine-y' person but turns out I am. I liked having a rough idea of when ds (17 months) would likely want his next sleep and feed as a youngish baby, and found his having a loose routine helped me feel a bit more like 'me' somehow. But his routine has always been based on his natural pattern - trying to make him fit what Gina Ford, the Baby Whisperer or Tizzy Hall said he 'should' be doing would just have caused him and me a lot of stress. At first it took me a while to get to know him and how much sleep he needed, how long he could be happily awake for etc (agree that 1.5 hours was the max he could be happily awake for until he was at least 4 months I reckon - after 1.5 hours he just got overtired). I slowly got to know him and then we naturally got into a great routine around 8 weeks. Before that we had a 'routine' for a few days - ie. he'd do the same sort of things at the same sort of times each day - and then it would all change. At around 8 weeks he settled into a more regular pattern, started falling asleep around 7 or 8pm and staying asleep until his next feed, then just waking to feed overnight. But he could never stay happily awake as long as the books suggested (he could stay awake but just got grumpy and twitchy) and always liked longer naps than they suggested. Going with his natural rhythm at first really helped us establish a routine that was natural for him and great for my need for predictability! I'd just watch and wait and enjoy your baby if you can!

throw away the book (or put it on the shelf and forget about it/them for a few months) i was beside myself with despair at 'failing' to get ds1 into a contented routine. i tried every day from day 1 with ds3 and he started settling down (like my older 2 who were very baby led) at around 10 weeks.

my only tip would be if it really concerns you then read up on sleep habits/associations and try and get your baby to settle to sleep in a way that you want him to long term e.g if you want to rock/feed/hold him to sleep every day then that's fine, but if you want him to settle on his own in a moses basket/cot soon then start now. best thing i ever did with ds3 was to always, always put him in a moses basket in a dark room for all sleeps from day 1. i used to spend 30mins getting my older 2 to sleep for every nap/sleep time.

As others have said really. Please throw away the books. I am so angry that so called "experts" are allowed to suggest to first time mothers that a 4 week baby should be in a routine.

Four week old babies want to feed, sleep (preferably on you) and be cuddled. The best advice I was given when I had DS1 was "listen to your baby" and although I didn't pay heed at the time, I wish I had. Please don't let your baby cry because you want to force him to do something that he isn't ready to do (such as sleep alone) - it only upsets him and upsets you. And for what?

People are conned into thinking that a routine is a good thing and that a baby who sleeps and eats to the clock is a "good baby". Feed him when he wants to feed, let him sleep when he wants to and where he wants to and try and meet his needs as much as possible. You can start on a routine a little later in life when he's a bit more independent.

agree the early weeks are for holding and feeding and not much else and it's just at their pace and their timing - there is no fighting that, nor should there be.
At about 5 weeks onward we tried the contented baby nap and feed timings - DS slotted in perfectly to those times - even if he appeared wide awake, if I put him in his cot at 9am for a nap, off he went! As it happened this was very useful for us because as I got to know DS better I realised that he was one of those babies who would NEVER show a sleepy clue, he just carried on at full tilt, no yawning, no eye rubbing, no NOTHING, until - sudden explosion of overtired hysteria!!! so having the regular naps was perfect for him and really did make him a happy chap.

But they key was they suited HIM, not me. it's about getting a routine that suits them physically; if he had cried and cried, I would not have carried on. The idea of routine, imo, is to keep the baby so happy that crying is absolutely minimal or non existent! Otherwise, why bother, it's easier for everyone to abandon it or try another routine that does suit.

very true about the baby-led routine turining to be good just for the baby. I was desperate for any advice with DS as we moved house and were really far away from the extended family -there was nobody to ask about a hundred baby-related things that worried me everyday. So I bought several baby books, got very confused and tried a routine that seemed most logical as it mentioned I will benefit too. It just so happened DS liked it and so we carried on with it. A friend was inclined to let her DS choose the pattern and ended up with very difficult (for her) schedule. It mostly got her later in the 1st year, as she was tired and there was no time for her to do anything. So, I would suggest listening to the baby's rythm, but encourage to do day things in day time and hopefully soon there will be a pattern good for both of you :)

Just to say OP that I too wouldn't expect a four week old to have any set routine. The best routine is just an existence that helps you and your baby get through the day so they are fed, dry and not too overtired.

My son took months to have a "routine" and even then, it meant doing things in a certain order around the same time of day rather than a set number or type of actions.

If you are finding understanding the needs of a small baby a bit challenging, welcome to the club! I still have no idea what made my son scream for hours on some occasions.

So, it is not you. The problem is with those books. All those books are pretty unrealistic except for working for that one baby in a million who by chance was going to fit that pattern anyway.

So do your best and ask Mumsnet lots of questions if you need to (I certainly have!).

It's a symbiotic thing isn't it - DS routine suited HIM but of course by doing so it also suited me - in terms of me having a happy easy baby to deal with instead of a screaming, overtired, un-settleable one. If DS didn't have his 12noon - 2pm nap, he could carry on no problem, BUT come 4pm he would be likely to zonk out, then there would be no way he would sleep again until 10pm or later, and that would involve screaming as he would have not had enough sleep to keep him happy that day, and the more overtired they get the less they can settle at all...

I was happy to be a bit tied to the house for 3 naps a day, it doesn't last long, it's not forever. Those naps were great times for me to get things done domestically and prep dinner etc. You feel you have had some time to get ahead of yourself. And easy to do when you only have one. Another matter when you have nursery or school runs for older kids to fit in, but that's another discussion I guess!

I think the crux of routines at this age is don't encourage them to stay awake any longer than 2 hours at a time and feed at least every 3 hours during the day so with a bit of luck you will get a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep during the night.