My 3.5 year old - can he be ADHD?

[Nonicknameavailable]

Hi ladies
I'm just feeling so depressed. My 3.5 year old son is a lovely, energetic boy who loves playing, very creative , brilliant with especially imaginary play, a kind gentle boy - just like any other 3.5 year old really. i've been working part time 3 days a week. He's been going to a nursery last 6 months (previously he used to be with a childminder) - he attends to the pre-school class at the nursery. Recently the nursery teachers mentioned that he is quite inattentive with the group activities , impulsive (i.e. runs off all of a sudden), sometimes gets frustrated and hits other children for instance when a child snatches his toy etc. (I've been working on this and his hitting has almost stopped completely - he is using his words so much better) The teacher would like to write a report and invite a professional such as an intervention officer to assess him as she thinks he may have a condition. The truth is I am so scared that they will diagnose him with something serious. I know I sound pathetic and I always say to myself that I'd rather find out so that I can help him but recently I've been going through some tough times. This year my hubby was diagnosed with testicular cancer then I was pregnant and had a miscarriage at 12 weeks only 2 weeks ago so I'm still quite depressed I guess - I also have a 1.5 year old who is quite demanding. I just want to be the best mum for my children but I must say I find it very hard at times. I think my eldest my have ADHD or ADD (as not that hyper all the time) as I look at the symptoms of the illness and the inattentiveness, impulsiveness etc. all sound like him. When he is with me he concentrates superbly - I'm not sure what to do about it and i know I must be strong for him... Thanks for listening. xxx

His behaviour sounds like that of a typical 3 year old to me. Not sure why the pre-school are suggesting he is unusual?

Hi
thank you for your message - I actually never thought he has anything wrong with him especially that serious to cause such drastic action to bring on an intervention officer etc. I'm just confused as all the teacher is saying they expect him to provide 20 mins attention span from him and he is not giving them that. I just don't want to be the one that will prevent him from getting what he may need by not being cooperative so I am just going along with them. It is putting so much pressure on me though I must say!

he does sound like a very typical 3 year old - especially one with a younger sibling and a mum who is a bit low and stressed at the moment.

most 3 years olds fit the adhd diagnostic criteria.

if i were you i would have a proper meeting with nursery and the senco (probably the nursery manager) and ask a few more questions.

there is no problem with him being observed, of course, but i might be tempted to mention that you are having a particularly hard time at the moment. some nurseries can offer extra sessions to take the pressure off parents for a period. you may or may not want to look at this.

do you have a sure start centre locally that offers parent support groups? or would you feel comfortable contacting home start? if you do suspect the nursery is right, then maybe a referral to home start would get you a volunteer to tide you over the current difficulties?

there's no shame in being knackered and low - you are having a tough year, and maintaining working on top. we all need a bit of extra help sometimes.

that said, there is also no problem with playing 'wait and see' if you need to be stronger. if there is an issue - the fact that nursery is already onto it means they are aware and alert. asking them to hold off for a few months as he is so little will do no harm.

are you sure they said intervention? it sounds very dramatic, most nurseries would refer to the area inclusion officer if they needed a second opinion (in the first instance)

nonickname I'm so sorry you are having such an awful time at the moment and so much has happened recently that it isn't a surprise that you feel so low. I think your ds sounds like a very normal 3 year old boy, but he might well be picking up on the family worry without you being aware and his reactions and frustrations may be linked to his part understanding. Has anyone explained in a basic way what is going on? He may be worried about daddy. It is best to explain in a simple way what is wrong and to be honest without being brutal iyswim.
He might also be picking up on your upset about your loss of the baby and might not understand why you are sad. Have you asked him why he feels sad/ angry etc?
I don't think it is likely to be ADHD/ADD tbh.
I see service children regularly who have similar outbursts which is usually before or after a house move, an event not under their control and which they don't understand very well. Their insecurity about what will happen and when creates frustration and they explode.
I think the fact that he concentrates for you is probably because he feels secure with you near but worries when you aren't there

I definately agree that you need to liaise with the nursery and ensure that they understand the home situation fully. I also think that if you haven't already seen your GP that would be the best thing to do to manage your depression. If we feel low then we have less patience and react easily to annoyances. This makes behaviour worse and then the cycle continues.
Is your DH having chemo at the moment? Treatments etc? Your little boy needs explanations and to be prepared emotionally.

Thank you all so much. I already feel so much better just talking and having such good responses.
I'm quite inexperienced with the discussions so please forgive me if I'm not so good at this!
madwomanintheattic & anxiouselephant (LOL!) thank you so very much for your great comments. I've never heard of home start so will look into it I already had a meeting with the nursery teachers (not the actual manager) and the meeting was even though informative not enough to tell us what they are suspecting of him - they clearly said an intervention officer not sure of the difference they may have meant the inclusion officer - not sure really - they said they need to write a report about him - they mentioned him not liking his personal space invaded, not being so aware of his surroundings therefore being clumsy, also things like him being inattentive at circle times such as story times (wandering away), impulsive (runs off to the corridors etc.) so being me i was all worried about autism, asbergers, now thinking may be adhd - and may be I should just stop worrying and see what the professional will say - I am only worried if they kind of misdiagnose him - is it possible? I think you are rightAnxious elephant I have had a very tough year and I need some help - even though my DH chemo round stopped in April still I think I will go to GP and see if she can prescribe me something other than sleeping pills which will hopefully help me cope better. thank you both so much God Bless you - Merry Xmas. xxx

It sounds like you are having a stressful time. I really feel for you.

I agree with everything that has been said, but would also like to add - do not be afraid of your DS being seen by a professional (find out who it is, though, and what their specialism is). Children are very, very rarely diagnosed or given a medical label without lots and lots of assessment. It is more likely to be that children with ADHD go undiagnosed for years than a 'normal' child be wrongly diagnosed, so please dont think that someone is going to come in and give your child a diagnosis without your say so. It wont happen, I promise.

I just wanted to add a different perspective, also, intended in the kindest possible way (dont freak out - just want you to hear it from someone who has been through all of this). My DS was a very intelligent, imaginative, lovely little boy but struggled with attention, impulse control, his temper etc at nursery. The nursery manager asked if I would mind someone from the autism team at the local council and I freaked out and was really defensive about it. I actually removed my DS from the nursery in the end because I felt they were labelling my 'normal' little boy.

3 years down the line he had also struggled badly at school and was, after a very stressful year or so, diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome 'with ADHD traits'. That was 18 months ago and he has now got the support and understanding he needs and things are much better.

I am not for a minute suggesting that there is anything wrong with your little boy, but I do believe that it is always best to keep an open mind. Good luck.

meant to see 'someone from the autism team coming out to observe my DS'

Hi EatmeDates

Thank you so much for sharing your own experience with me I really appreciate it. My hubbys brov has Aspergers and his condition was not diagnosed until he was 18 years old so you are not late with your little one. I agree with you as mummys it is so difficult to accept that our ones may be different than what is thought to be 'normal' and it is so easy to get defensive about it (at the end of the day I made him and I brought him up and I love him so much! I was so worried at the beginning and was thinking oh Gosh would they label my son with a condition this early! Would you believe I even considered taking my son away from the nursery too as I was thinking may be if he is playing up i.e. impulsive he is not happy etc. but the truth is I just want to help him out and want to make sure he will be ok. If his condition is thought to be Autism or Asperger's or ADHD are there organisations out there who can guide me how to help my child out? Thank you all so much. xxx

Hi EatmeDates
My real struggle with my little boy is that he runs off whenever he feels like it, he seems more interested in games and toys etc than friends etc. Also easily distracted (but can concentrate with me for ages) s
Also would you mind telling me what sort of struggles your little one and you suffered so that I can look out for any similar issues thanks so much.x

nonicknameavailable No-one will diagnose your son if there is nothing to diagnose iyswim eg: your child would need to be presenting significant issues both in and out of school to get a diagnosis of ADHD from any paediatrician or child psychologist. If your son has a 'condition', the sooner it's realised the better for him. You get different support for autistic spectrum disorders than you do ADHD as the child's needs are different.

Thank you MadameSin. My child is not in the school age yet - he is only 3.5 but I've been hearing that some 3.5 year olds are diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome, Autism or ADHD. I'm not as worried about him as the nursery and I would not have considered to get him assessed if it was for me. However, I will take on their advice and get him assessed. I'm hoping that whoever does the assessment will take into consideration of his behaviour both in nursery and at home as what I heard is that one setting should not be enough to evaluate a childs condition as the setting may be the reason for his behaviour at times (i.e. a very disciplinarian nursery nurse, a child in the setting that upsets him etc.) so I will ask them to assess him also at a different setting. I'm hoping for the best - I hope if he has any conditions we will tackle it early enough to provide him the best future.

Nonickname , I didn't realise that there was a close family history of Aspegrers. In that case I think it would be very beneficial to you all to have the input of a paediatrician or educational psychologist xxx If there is a family history it is very possible that his traits are Aspergers, although most don't display the good imagination you describe, but worth testing. Boys are more likely to have the trait than girls xxxx

Please don't fear a diagnosis of Aspergers, most do fine in school and often excel, its just a difference in social perspective

I agree - please don't be scared of him being seen. Believe me, if he has needs for extra support at school you are likely to be the one begging for him to be seen and getting nowhere, which is what our experience was (not aspergers but other special educational needs)

At the end of the day all it's about is perhaps getting to know your ds a little better and what he will need in order to be able to function happily in group environments.

What I would be saying is yes - I'm happy for him to be seen and to discuss this, but I do not want to pursue any diagnosis at this time as I feel it is far too early. The thing that you basically want is for the child to get help to be happy in their school, not to medicalise them unecessarily. So it's about saying "johnny needs support when asked to listen" not saying "johnny has aspergers" - imo.

Because of course the range of normal for 3 year old boys is huuuuuuuuuuge and all the traits you mention could be a sign of nothing.

Thank you so much for the comments. Yes Anxiouselephant I do realise that Asbergers can be a genetic trait - that is why I am more willing to take the route of him getting assessed.

Mrs Bardley James Thank you for the comments - I agree and that's all I wanted to know really if he would be quickly diagnosed or if we would be given the chance to see how he will behave / grow up - thank you so much both I feel more confident that I am doing the right thing for him. xxx

@Nonicknameavailable I know your last post was 2011 but I'm curious how did your son get on?