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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to get 3 yr old to DO AS I BLOODY SAY!

21 replies

RillaBlythe · 13/12/2011 09:23

dd1 age 3 and a half is driving me bonkers. She doesn't listen to a word I say. Eg this morning I wanted to go up & resettle the baby back to sleep. DD wanted to come up with me, wouldn't stay downstairs & would do as I asked & not poke the baby & talk to her. Baby woke up naturally. She might have done so anyway bit dd1 blatant defiance was infuriating. I am now in the bathroom fuming & hiding. I have some success sometimes with threatened withdrawal of a treat eg at restaurant on weekend threatening no pudding if she didn't toe the line. But there isn't really a treat in sight at 9 in the morning! How do I reward chart for do as I bloody well tell you?

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Original poster

RillaBlythe · 13/12/2011 09:24

Sorry, wouldn't do what I ask & not poke the baby etc.

OP posts:

fluffytowels · 13/12/2011 09:25

When you find out, I will pay you large amounts of cash

Byeckersitsapropercrimbolike · 13/12/2011 09:29

Watching with interest scratting around for money to add to fluffys kitty

Mishy1234 · 13/12/2011 09:31

Yes, I suspect if there's ever an answer to this it will make someone a lot of money!

fluffytowels · 13/12/2011 13:51

bumping for you, hoping someone will be more helpful than we have been

Beamur · 13/12/2011 13:53

Distraction still works at this age. If you want her to stay put while you look after the baby, give her something to do that is more interesting than following you about.
Practice your beady eyed stare and voice that means business and use very sparingly!

lels99 · 13/12/2011 13:57

there must be something in the air,mine is driving me insane too.

NoMoreNames · 13/12/2011 15:47

Same here! A bit worried that yours is 3 and a half, Mine just turned 3 and has attitude.
Was hoping it would get better

Tgger · 13/12/2011 20:12

Tricky. I would say pick your battles. They are very much still in their own worlds at 3, ie don't really take others feelings into account, it's all about them and what they want.

I often give conditions- eg "you stay downstairs, I need to go and settle the baby (well baby's name here), DD "no, I want to come upstairs". Me: " Ok, but if you come upstairs you have to be quiet and not talk to the baby as she is asleep, do you understand" DD "ok", Me "so, no talking to baby?" DD "yes, no talking to baby". Bargain made and hopefully carried out!

Or....... I offer something more attractive if really don't want her with me, you can "x,y or z" whilst I do this...... or "No, you stay downstairs, if you stay downstairs and are good then you can do x, y or z when I come down again" (bribery I guess!).

There are some times when it's "Do what Mummy says" however, and the punishment ultimately for not doing it (after warning and 3,2,1) is "go to your room" (this is the worst punishment in our house, and comes from having older DS 5 as well, who age 3/4 had to go to his room a fair bit, but somehow touch wood doesn't seem to have to (age 5) anymore, touch wood, touch wood!)

Beamur · 13/12/2011 21:27

This is a bit trivial - but have you watched 'Flushed Away'? Tggers post reminded me that sometimes DD and I 'make a deal' - like the characters do in the film, it's a fun way of making a promise and is a something DD can relate to. It also involves pretending to spit which is a hoot when you are 3..

JarethTheGoblinKing · 13/12/2011 21:36

As always, it depends on the child. .but having specific rules that you stick to, a punishment that you always follow up on, and lots and lots and lots of attention when they are doing what you tell them. DS is/was always better behaved when I gave him loads of positive attention.

Agree with pick your battle though. It's easy to have days when all you seem to do is tell them off (or is that just me?) when the behaviour seems to get worse and worse as the day goes on.

Irisim · 13/12/2011 21:36

Hi RillaBlythe,

First I would suggest to use positive reinforcement rather then withdrawing toys as it often more effective at this age. Also try not to use the word 'if'. instead say something along the lines of 'first listen to mummy, then we can play with X/ have a treat', etc.

Ask yourself - why has she joining you - is it because she would get board being downstairs, and does not know how to occupy herself? maybe she wants your company, or perhaps she wants to help.

You need to be realistic with your demands:
As Beamur suggested, you cannot expect your daughter to stay downstairs when all the action is happening elsewhere if you do not offer an interesting alternative... (give her something to do: watch tv, stickers or something else she enjoys).

You can explain to her that now mummy has to be with the baby, but when you are done the two of you will play together - be specific about what you will be doing (puzzle, going to the park, preparing breakfast, etc).

Also You can start up a helping chart and ask her to do something for which she will get a sticker on a chart (for example pairing socks or sorting cutlery). Make sure that you mention how helpful she was to others.

Hope this helps,
Iris, Family Consultant.

suebfg · 13/12/2011 21:41

Naughty step works in our house

AnotherMincepie · 13/12/2011 21:41

book here

Wigeon · 13/12/2011 22:07

Another vote for the book AnotherMincepie linked to - so far some of the techniques really work on DD1 (who is also 3 and a half and I also have a baby, so the scenario you described in your OP often happens in our house too!).

There are loads of ideas in that book, but one thing which sometimes works with DD1 is if I try never to say "no". I think that being told "no" when you are only 3 is very frustrating. So, in your example, you could say "yes, you can come upstairs, and stay in your room while I deal with the baby" or "yes, I'd love to play with you, I'll just deal with the baby and then we can play with the puzzles downstairs". You can actually find loads of ways of not saying no, eg:

3 year old says "Can I have the biscuit?" Instead of "no, you've just had breakfast", "Yes, you can have it as a snack later today".

On the reward chart thing, I think "do as you're bloody well told" is just too big, but you can choose the usual battle type things like getting dressed really well, eating meals well, being nice to the baby etc etc, and hopefully she'll start doing a bit more that she's bloody well told!

It's still a daily and constant effort to get my DD to do everything she needs to through the day (like get dressed, eat, walk along etc) so I do sympathise!

minceorotherwise · 13/12/2011 22:08

You wait until they turn 16, and ground them

marykat2004 · 13/12/2011 23:25

I wish I had been able to instill some sort of obedience in mine. She is 7 now, and no reward or punishment will work. She never does what she is told, especially if it is bedtime :(.

tried rewards, tried naughty step, and now she will not quieten down until I scream my head off. Being referred to child psychologist.

Not that everyone is like that. I'm sure your child will be fine at 7. Just do what you can now, be consistent, that's what they tell you: be consistent. It doesn't matter how tired you are with the new baby, just be consistent. And your 3 year old will learn.

workshy · 13/12/2011 23:29

naughty step!

3 is a perfect age to start and it does work

I gave up with bargaining they should do as they are bloody well told

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 13/12/2011 23:36

I make deals with DS1. He sticks to them for as long as he thinks is reasonable!

We are having some success with the naughty step this week, although we don't call it that. It is called 'sitting at the bottom of the stairs and thinking about your behaviour'.

He actually stays put, and then shouts out 'Mummy/Daddy I've thought about my behaviour!'. And then we ask him what he has thought, and what he thinks he ought to be doing next - ie. coming to sit at the table, apologising to his baby brother for whacking him over the head, coming to get dressed, or whatever. It is working well, amazingly, because he is a stubborn little wotsit.

Beamur · 14/12/2011 21:25

I haven't read the book linked, but agree with Widgeon, I rarely say 'no' (apart from asking for chocolate for breakfast) but will suggest an alternative, or when the request can be met (we have agreed she can have chocolate for breakfast on Christmas Day!). DD and I will gently negotiate but she does respect my authority and always has done. We have a loving, fun relationship - I think I am very lucky.

thebigkahuna · 14/12/2011 21:35

I have this exact problem with my three year old too.

I don't really have any advice as I'm scuppered as well.

Re: reward chart though, DD has a line on her chart for 'listening' if she doesn't listen I threaten to take one of the stickers she learned for listening off. Which would work fine if she actually earned any

Actually, on that note though, I have taken a lot of time lately to praise her for her good listening and following instructions if she does do something I ask her to and I do think that this has had some effect.

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