2 year old ds scratching/biting/attacking other children all the time - what else can I do?

[Alldressedup]

I really hope someone can help (sorry for the long post).
My ds has just turned 2. The problem is that he attacks other children whenever he's around them (scratching their faces, biting, pulling their hair or whatever he can get hold of). Apart from this he is a loving and intelligent little boy who loves being around people and other children, so I just don't understand why he does it.
I wish I could say it was one thing or another that triggers it off, but he does it ALL the time! He does it when he's excited, when he doesn't want to share etc. Sometimes its just enough that another child is within his reach. It's not for my attention, I wish it were that simple.
It's been going on for a good 9 months now so it's no phase and it seems to be getting worse not better, even though his speech and communication skills are pretty good.
I've been using the time out method but it's having no impact. I've also tried taking away something he likes to no avail. It's as though he knows it's wrong, says sorry, but 2 minutes later goes back and does exactly the same thing. I think he just cannot control himself. I know he's only just 2, so am I expecting too much? I have to try something though I can't ignore it.
I watch him like a hawk whenever we're out, so manage to stop the vast majority of incidents from happening, but soft play etc is so stressful that I could cry sometimes. In fact, I've more or less stopped going now as I cannot relax for one second.
The main problem however is nursery. He goes two days a week and he's the same there - they've also been doing the time out, but nothing has improved. In fact there have now been complaints from parents who have seen him going for their kids. God, how awful?! Nursery have no other suggestions and are at a loss too. I'm sure it's all leading up to them asking us to leave, although I am also thinking about taking him out for a few months but that might unsettle him even more. The sad thing is, he seems to really like going.
I've recently had another baby, but his behaviour was like this before so I can't even say it's because of that. (He's still getting a lot of one-to-one attention).
In all probability he will grow out of it, but if anyone has any advice/experience which might help us I'd be very grateful as I'm at my wits end now and so upset by this all. Thanks.

My ds2 was just the same. I would love to sit like other mums at todder groups but I always had to be watching him. There is light at the end of the tunnel. ds2 is now6 and has been much better for the last 2 years. Limit the amount of things you do with him. Maybe only do Nursery and no toddler groups for half a term then include 1 more thing, a toddler group, swimming lesson or what ever. Is he at nursery all day? Could you cut it down to 2 mornings. increase to include lunch and then an all day session?

I even tried the diet option but that didn't really make much difference. Keep with the naughty corner. I remember being in tears at toddlers once because of him. you will find a shoulder to cry on! You feel like the worst mum in the world but at least you are trying to do something. this makes you a wonderful mum and don't ever forget that.
good luck

Thanks for your kind message. It's good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel, although not sure I can cope with another 2 years!
He is at nursery all day. I could reduce it for a few months as I'm on maternity leave at the moment but I will be going back to work so will need childcare then. I originally thought it would unsettle him more if I swapped and changed his routine along with having a new baby - also, selfish as this sounds, those days give me time with the baby. But I am thinking now that I might have to reduce his hours or take him out all together. I have to speak to the nursery manager next week about it all.

nursery really ought to have strategies in place to deal with behaviour and shouldn't be ''at a loss''

toddlers are VERY impulsive and biting scratching and hair pulling all in the range of what I would consider ''normal'' behaviours - they are very effective, from the child's PoV, in getting what they want

I agree, keep in nursery, but reduce going to groups/soft play/whatever

Also, does he get outside time, every day, rain or shine? After all, boys are like dogs and mine always always needed to be free to run run run (still do tbh even though they are pre teens now)

Can you build in a diversion to a park on return from nursery every day? Or have you a trampoline in your garden? Blimmin marv things, they are

It IS a phase, and this too shall pass, but it's so so draining for you

my little boy bites and scratches other children at his nursery - they only let him come for one hour a day now! He's v young though only 2 and 3mths and he has a baby brother 6 months. He can do it to be fun or to be aggressive. It's v embarrassing for me and exhausting because I was hoping for more time off with the baby but I live in hope it will stop! I do wonder if the teachers and others think I'm not strict enough though but whatever I do as punishment doesn't stop it. I used to be a teacher and was not a pushover by any means but all I can say to teachers without children is that being a parent is so, so different and much harder! Otherwise my son is a very loving, fun child - honestly! I wish other parents whose children don't do it understood more that it isn't the parents fault - it just seems to be random.

My son is 3 years old.he scratches other kids when ge sees them.mostly younger to Him Who are in buggy. Does to older ones also. I feel so embarrassed and stressed to go out .please please advice. He is a late speaker so it's hard to explain him or ask why is he doing it . He is doing the same at nursery also.

Hi @Alldressedup

I know this thread is really old now but I just wondered if your little boy grew out of biting & how long it took? Any advice would be gratefully received.

My little boy is biting & it’s emotionally draining as I have to watch him like a hawk whenever he’s around other children. He’s started doing it at preschool now & i’m at my wits end. He’s 2 & 2 months.

Thanks again.

Hi. Wow. I have just re-read this and looking back to what I said over 7 years ago it's strange to remember how bad it all felt at the time. But I am pleased to say that my DS is now a very gentle, kind and loving 9 year old. It was a gradual thing, but by the time he turned 3 the biting and scratching had pretty much stopped. I can’t say it was due to me doing anything in particular, I think he simply grew out of it.

It was really difficult at the time - and the nursery did in fact ask us to leave (or demand that he saw a child psychologist if he wanted to stay - how ridiculous!). They were completely incompetent. He joined another nursery who were great and never made me feel it was anything other than a normal development phase for a toddler.

It's so easy to feel judged by others - and people will love to tell you what you should be doing differently (bite them back being the favourite. I never dreamt of doing this and can assure you, it would not have worked anyway!)

I remember one day at a soft play feeling really exasperated and a lady came up to speak to me and very kindly but firmly said that he would grow out of it. At that point in time, I didn't think he ever would, but she was right. So let me be the one to say the same to you - this is just a phase and he will stop eventually.

All the very best.

@Alldressedup

Thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I really needed to hear this today! I think we’re just going to have to ride out this phase & i’ll be mindful that one day it will end. It’s so easy to feel like it’s never going yo stop!

He actually bit someone at preschool today for the first time which i’m gutted about as up until now things have been going fairly well there. I rarely take him to softplay as it’s so stressful & I have to watch him like a hawk everywhere - even the park. What you wrote in your original post about wanting to cry in those situations really resonated with me.

We’re reading ‘teeth are not for biting’ & telling him off when we have an incident - we always ask him to apologise & make him understand he’s hurt someone. Not sure what else we can do. We’ve had a lot of advice about biting him back too which we’d never do & it would absolutely not make the situation better.

He’s such a funny, loving & caring boy so it just breaks my heart when he bites/ hits/ pushes. I can’t trust him which I hate.

I’ll take a deep breath & remember that this won’t be forever.

Thank you for giving me some hope!

@MumB29 It sounds like you’re doing everything you can - we also bought that book! Keep on with it but don’t feel too bad, this is just his ‘thing’. Some hit, some push, some bite.
My health visitor really helped me to see it was a normal toddler behaviour and was really angry with the way nursery dealt with it.
He sounds very similar to my ds. I had to be on guard at all times. Yet he was so good in every other way. It will pass. And if it helps, my ds2 never bit anyone - but my word, he was much more of a handful
Good luck!

I can’t believe the nursery treated your son this way. Must have been so awful. In that situation you just needed support & understanding. Sounds like they did you a huge favour in their appalling behaviour in the end & you all got the support you needed at the new nursery - shame on them. My little boy seems to be a handful in every way - he’s the most strong minded & wilful little chap but hoping that will pay off in later life 😂🙈

We will keep doing what we’re doing & one day hopefully it will pay off. Hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel soon. It would be nice to relax with him around other kids, to enjoy parties & play dates again one day!

Thanks again!

I'm sorry to recall an old threat but reading this made me tear up. We're suffering exactly the same issues as your first post (with a new baby at the same time too) and I am finding it so difficult, as is DW. I hope, I hope the otherwise clever and loving little boy we have will grow out of it....

Hi @Michael343
It’s now 11 years since I wrote that first post and can remember how desperate it felt at the time so you have my sympathy.

As I have said previously, I think most toddlers have some kind of cross to bear whether it’s pushing, hitting, kicking, biting or emotional behaviour such as being painfully shy or very domineering. It’s just that the biting seems to be the most frowned upon. But he is not alone. It’s really not that uncommon.

It is most definitely just a phase and he will grow out of it. I promise you that my now 13 year old isn’t going round biting and scratching people - we’re now in the phase where he generally just grunts and moans about everything now 😂

It was a difficult time, juggling a new baby and a toddler so go easy on yourselves and your little one. Remember to also focus on all the positive traits he has rather than just this. As others have said before, this too shall pass. And it will. For us now it’s an anecdote to tell him and we laugh about it. Good luck.

Really, really needed to read this thread today. Went to a soft play and my DS (just 2) scratched another child on the face, it left two welts on the poor lad's forehead. The victims Dad proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the session (understandably!!) but as I left he (the Dad) grabbed me to say it was okay and I hoped I didn't feel bad. It was really kind of me but caught me off guard so I just mumbled more apologies and ran to my car to cry and then drove home sobbing. I know it's normal but I'm fed up of this dictating my life, where we can and can't go, will he/won't he kick off today etc. Hope we have a similar outcome @Alldressedup . @MumB29 it's been a few years now, how are you? And I can see you only posted recently @Michael343 how are things for you? X

Kind of him** not me, obvs!

Hi! Thanks for your reply, I'm sorry for taking months to reply!

I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling this way. Firstly I think 'victim's' dad was being unreasonable - not everything children do can be within your control as a parent. Even with good parenting, the child will, by definition of being a child, do things that's you would prefer them not to.

I found this incredibly difficult to be around one particular family member who was fairly vile about DS's behaviour.

It's now 6 months since I wrote the above message. DS now (exclusively) plays with other children unsupervised and with no incidents. It went away after I sent him to an outdoor nursury which I think really helped. He's also grown up so much (now 2.6 years).

I nearly gave up hope. Don't give up. Things do change...