" spirited child" symptoms are getting too much for me

[snugglepott]

Need some support. My almost 4 yr old DD seems to have all the symptoms of the so called ' spirited child'. God, I adore her and her immense personality. But I have to admit to finding her so suffocating sometimes and lately, quite often and today for instance, feel so out of my depth and close to tears.

She seems to be getting more and more hyper and energetic as she gets older and I wonder where it will end. She's always known her own mind and wanted to do things independently and great, it's all good, but I feel she's a force to be reckoned with lately. When friends come over to play she becomes so over excited that she just goes into full on hyper mode and wants to do so many things all at once. Her breathing becomes shallow and she's almost panting, out of control. I try to intervene, but by then she's already got her friend on her side and I feel bulldozed. I try to sit and play a game or something with them, but her focus is so short lived. She prefers to wrestle and get rough and run from one thing to another. She tends to get bossy and controlling. I find it embarrassing and hard to handle.

To be honest I don't want to change her, but I'd just be happy if she was able to soften down a bit, to function a bit better in groups and reduce her dominance a bit. But how can I make that happen? How can I teach her to share attention? I also detected she's fiercely competitive. Like, if I play a game with her she'll be eagle eyed and can't bear it if I'm winning. I feel as though she's going to grow up wanting to be better than anybody else. I didn't teach her this! I'm not competitive at all myself. I mean, fine, its all good in moderation, but it seems so early to be so strong in that sense. I worry where it may lead.

She's an only child and I'm a single mum. Sometimes I wonder if she's lacking in something and that's why she gets so out of control and dominant when a friend comes over. She acts like an excited puppy dog chasing her tail. I've tried talking to her in advance of what I expect. I'm getting so tired and disheartened. I heard about the book 'raising the spirited child' and wondered if I should get a copy....

She starts school in a few months and I'm starting to wonder if perhaps it's just what she needs - more stimulation as maybe she's craving for more. But at the same time I want her to be prepared so that she can function well on a social level and in groups, without rubbing her friends up the wrong way.

Any of this sound familiar to anyone else?!

Sounds like she needs to go to nursery - you will get some funding as she's over 3. I'd have a look around and see which local places appeal to you/her.

Haven't read Spirited Child yet but Playful Parenting has some suggestions for the tye of thing you describe eg bad at losing. Basically play acting different scenarios eg you pretend to play a game, you lose and throw a huge tantrum so you can diffuse the tension and talk about different ways to behave in competition situations.

Also talks about how only children can have sibling rivalry with other children. And the benefits of structured safe rough and tumble play to get it out of their system / exhaust them.

I found it very good for helping you to see from the child's point of view.

I have just been given that book and my eldest ticks all the boxes... (see my thread on sibling rivalry). I don't think you can fundamentally change her temperament and it will just upset you trying to change her into something she's not plus you'll lose that battle!

I am as exhausted as you are, I can feel your despair seeping through the lines of your post. I am tired of the battles with my eldest, the shouting, the over-egging, the stubbornness, the screaming and bossiness, etc

Sorry not to be much help, I wish I had a magic solution for both of us. I can't even promise you that it will get better and I must continue to read this book.

I have actually now called in a child psychologist because I had resorted to smacking and my nerves are in tatters (I have 3 under 3). I am not being a good mummy and I owe it to my eldest to change so that the mood in the household changes, too. I need coping strategies to deal with her or I will blow up.

I will keep you posted what the psychologist says. Not sure when I get a date with her. Wishing you lots of strength but will say one thing: iyou aren't doing anything wrong, you're being a great mum, you just have to re-adjust her perspective and be glad you have such a lively daughter instead of some wallflower. Trust me I know how hard it is and if it helps read that book and see if it helps.

My DS1 is roughly the same age as your DD. He's always been a bit spirited - done his own thing, regardless of what other friends his age (or his parents!?!) say. I've certainly felt a bit desperate at times.

He's currently going through a stage of saying that he's the leader or won't let anyone win whatever fictitious game he's playing (who can get ready first, etc.) Could this be like your DD? I'm wondering whether this is an age thing - other friends seem to be obsessesed about similar things.

Nursery school has helped quite a lot. He's starting to understand that he has to do what others say, not just what HE wants all the time. But that has taken about 9 months to get to this stage.

All I think is that, if he gets this, it'll stand him in good stead in the long run. To be a strong personality is great, but you've got to function with others. Play dates at this stage still involves a fair amount of parental interaction, so I still moderate his behaviour a bit. Being at nursery school has taught him to do this on his own more.

Oh thanks I love this site, gives instant relief! Sorry to hear others are having a hard time but also does make me feel less alone!

I have the playful parenting book, must confess i missed the bit about sibling rivalry, must have rushed through it due to time limits! She definitely has rivalry issues with friends. Her best friend was here today, he already started school and I asked him if he had made friends there. I drew her attention to that fact and her face turned to thunder! I mean, a 3 year old being jealous like that, i just find it rather remarkable!

She has been going to nursery since she was 1 and is now almost 4. So thats another reason why i worry - i find it odd that she hasn't picked up on these social skills yet. (despite the fact that she's highly sociable, but thats different i think).

I do adore her and glad she's not a wallflower. Just wonder how much more I'll be able to keep my strength, especially in the future. I need to be like a mum and a dad for her in one and I'm up against her toughness too, its a lot to cope with.

I count myself lucky that she's a mega sleeper and has never even once delayed going to bed and sleeps right through! At least thats something.

Moomoomamma - its the same with my dd - yes!! She's constantly trying to challenge her peers, saying she's faster, better etc. And even to strangers, saying 'look at me, look at what I can do, watch this'. She'll even show off to a mum of a kid half her age in the playground that she can go faster than that kid and she'll show all her tricks - seems to have zero grasp of the little ones and their limits in that way! Sometimes I don't know where to look!! I mean, she shares nursery group with kids of all ages from 1 to 4, so how can this be?!

She's highly physical and I wonder if she'll need a lot of sport clubs to channel her competitive streak, but scared, as I know I won't be able to fund that. I just want to give her what she needs if she needs it. But I also want her to be able to function with others, as she'll need to in order to be happy. I just don't know how to get through to her to make that penny drop!!!