Should a kid fight back?

[insularbabygroup]

DGD , 9, was cornered in the cloakrooms at school by others and was being verbally attacked. Felt very frightened, was she in the right to lash out at them physically? Sometimes should a kid be allowed to use physical force to get out of a situation?

In principle, I think yes, there are some rare circumstances when a kid should use physical force to get out of a situation.

However it is best avoided, and you don't give enough info about what happened to your DD.

Being cornered is very frightening for anyone, fight or flight is a natural human response to danger, when cornered flight isn't possible so the only option is fight.

I hope she is ok.

The others were telling her off for telling a teacher about an incident in the dinner hall - saying that they wouldn't be her freind etc - standing all around her and blocking her way out of the cloakroom. She was in a lot of trouble for pushing two of them over to get away, but it made me wonder what behaviour a frightened nine year old should use to get out of a situation like that?

No.

If you throw the first punch you put yourself in the wrong.

Also,in an enclosed space, and against a number of others, I think DGD may well have put herself at significantly greater risk of harm if it moved to physical conflict.

Has she told a teacher about what happened? Have her parents been itw the school about it?

The thing is, if you don't stand up to bullies, you become more of a target.

She was cornered, they were effectively holding her captive, I'm not sure what else she could have done.

I think it's understandable, but also that if you do hit out you have to take the consequencies.

The consequencies might be that the bully gets the fright of their life and never touches you again. The consequencies might be that the bully falls over, hits their head on the concrete floor and dies, the consequence might be that the bully pulls a knife on you. Or every shade in between.

I was also physically bullied at school and I never fought back, not once, not even when the bully was pleading with me to hit her (it would have given her far more satisfaction to have punched me in the face because I'd hit her first). I do look back sometimes and wonder if that was the right thing, but I dunno, I guess I kept the moral high ground. It's not in my nature to hurt someone.

So if your child is punched by a kid in the playground you tell them not to hit them back? Is that the general rule these days? Crikey I do have a lot to learn when ds starts school

Yes, the teachers were involved and all participants were spoken to about their behaviour.
I think its the fact that she couldn't get out to tell a teacher that made her take things into her own hands as it were.
I agree with StrandedUnderTheMisltoe that violence is wrong but found myself thinking -what esle could she do? As an adult one would diffuse the situation and keep calm but can a nine year old cope with that?

Well, I tell ds that hitting is wrong. So what do you say "only if he hits you first"?

And then a 5 year old bumps into your 5 year old by mistake, but your 5 year old says when you're hauled up to the school because of the resulting fight "but he hit me first!".

I think the message "hitting is always wrong" is easiest.

true suzikettles it is a judgement call, and will probably be based on instinct

and a nine year old does not have the life experience to know how to handle being cornered, hell, I'm thirty and I don't know what I'd do

I am very glad I am not a teacher arbitrating situations like this

x posts

"So if your child is punched by a kid in the playground you tell them not to hit them back?"

That wasn't the scenario in OP. But in general yes - tell them the first response is to scream, keep screaming and run to the supervisor. Most incidents are one offs and are dealt with very effectively.

If a long-standing problem has developed, then yes I would tell them that everyone has the right to self defence (use enough force to buy the time to run to safety), but then again I have DCs who have attended martial arts classes and know useful things like how to block punches and how to hit effectively. I think it would be the totally wrong thing to do in the "ganging the loos" scenario where both numbers and space are against you (pushing your way out, rather than lashing out, is likely to work better).

But fighting it out anywhere us a bad plan - firstly your DC might lose (making it worse all round) and secondly they might win, which will land them in trouble for hurting a fellow pupil whatever the provocation.