World War III in my house this morning with 3.5 YO Son

[Jo993]

Can someone help me please? I completely lost it this morning with my son who is going through the 'pushing it' stage. I ended up really shouting at him and smacking his bottom - I had endured 1.5 hours of being smacked and kicked when he didn't get his own way and at one point having his toy box lid thrown at me. My son is a delightful boy (really he is) and this 'behaviour' only manifests itself when he is tired. He had a terrible night last night due to a hideous cold so I knew the reason why he was being unpleasant but my patience just ran out his morning, hence losing the plot. The thing is, I feel like the biggest a**ehole on the planet for smacking his bottom and shouting. I always try to make allowances for him as there usually is a reason for this - tiredness, but I also know that I am such a soft touch and there is a possibility that I am being 'played'. I was brought up in quite a strict environment with smacks so I am making it my life's work for my own son not to have that kind of upbringing - it seems to be failing me though!
Nothing seems to be working with him at the moment though - time out, taking toys away, speaking to him, not going to places - all just seem to fall on deaf ears at the minute. I was seriously thinking of taking him to the Doctor last week as he seemed to not hear anything I was saying and I had to repeat it several times.

I work full time but it is from home so I have the felxibility to have a nice time with him before and after nursery, as does his Daddy but at the moment, I am struggling to enjoy the time we have I seem to be constantly on his case!
Please don't judge me for smacking his bottom - I know I lost it and feel terrible about it.
Any suggestions for a very upset mum and son-who is now having a great time with his friends at nursery and has probably forgotten all about this morning?
PS. Is guilt a constant thing now I am a mother?

I should not beat yourself up about it. I know that a lot is said about not shouting at children, however I sometimes think that if you always make allowances for all sorts of unacceptable behaviour without ever showing how you truly feel about it to your child that they may never learn that their actions have consequences and that other people's feelings need to be considered as well as their own (if that makes sense).

Pick yourself up and try again, you can tell him that what you did was because he had really upset you etc etc.

Http not to worry.

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Have one of these....

My DS was just the same at 3.5 yo - it was a VERY testing time. First off....guilt, yup - there for the duration unfortunately. Its there because you care, but don't let yourself get beaten up with it too much. You're only human, we all have our off days and it sounds like you had a nightmare morning.

Things that worked for me at that age....

1-2-3 Magic book - very simple to follow and apply. (Or tbh just reading bits of different behaviour books helped me feel more in control, and not that I was just a terrible mother who couldn't cope and would ultimately end up on Supernanny). But my Ds responded very well to 1-2-3 Magic (its the simplicity and consistency that's the key).

Going to school - I know, its 9 months off. But, when my DS scampered up to the school gates bouncing around the head commented 'Looks like someone's ready for school' and it was sooo very true. His behaviour improved so much by going to school.

1-2-3 Magic goes on about the negative spiral - they do something, so you get annoyed, so they get annoyed, so they do something else to get back, you start expecting them to do something, self-fulfilling prophesy, etc So sometimes you need to look at the triggers and forgive and forget (not at all saying that you should've ignored/excused his behaviour this morning - there has to be boundaries no matter what the reasons - just that don't fall into the rut of expecting bad behaviour, deal with it and then move on) 1-2-3 Magic helps you deal with the discipline in a non-emotional way and move on easier. Ermm.....I don't work for 1-2-3 Magic BTW....just I really like it!

Anyway....onwards and upwards - as you say he'll be happily esconced at nursery now and you, don't beat yourself up too much. Happens to all of us!

Found it. Yes, I sympathise. I guess we are only human and it's so hard when you can't get through to the child, when they keep on scrming, hitting you, refusing to do what they're told...if it goes on for a long time, like for you this morning, tbh you would have to be an angel not to snap. I found that it does get better, DS(9) is sooo much more reasonable and has been since he was about 4-5.

As for DD...

You don't say how you dealt with his kicking and smacking etc, was there some kind of immediate consequence for him?

How long has this "pushing it" phase been going on?

Thanks for your messages - it helped!

Holly Ghost - immediate consequences are - removal of toys, sent to another room for time out, being told that this is unacceptable behaviour, that kind of thing. All immediate actions so the meaning is there for him. This morning, I went through the full gambit of actions until we ended up at the escalated shouting and smacked bottom stage which brought me to mumsnet! The hitting started when he started a new nursery approx 9 months ago. There is a little lad in his class who has behavioural problems (hitting!) and it 'may' have rubbed off on him or it could be coincidence and he started of his own volition. I don't want to blame another child really. I am the only one he hits - he certainly doesn't do this at nursery to any children or staff. This is not all of the time, you understand, we seem to go through phases. I have been thinking about this all day and may have to admit that at times I can allow him to have too much choice - negotiating when possibly I should be directing? Just trying to involve him as a little person rather than a baby if you can see my logic?

Have you read "Playful parenting"

I don't agree with everything in it, but I have found its "meeting on the couch" strategy quite useful in preventing escalation.