Bootcamp for 5 year old - help me out

[fluffytowels]

Right, that's it. I've decided that DS (5.9) is turning into an ill-disciplined spoilt little brat .

Don't get me wrong, he's lovely and charming and wonderful and I love him - but his behaviour is declining and it's starting to wear me down. I need to be firmer with him and set him more boundaries but I seem to be floundering. I just find my entire life is spent squawking at him and I'm beginning to hate the sound of my own voice. I hear myself sometimes and I just sound so horrid. But it's sheer frustration.

Main issues - getting dressed to leave the house, putting shoes on etc. I have to tell him countless times to get dressed in the morning. Both DSs (DS2 is 2) refuse to put coats, shoes, hats and gloves on until we are literally out of the door and mornings are so stressful as a result.

Listening generally - always need telling a hundred times.

Table manners - he eats well and I've always been glad of that but his table manners are getting worse. Using hands instead of knife and fork, putting to much food in mouth, making a terrible mess, throwing food off plate if he doesn't like it.

Tidying up after himself - he just point blank refuses to do any tidying away, keep his room tidy, help in anyway. I realise I would be far less stressed if I didn't spend all my time tidying up after him and I certainly don't want it to continue for the next 15 years. For example, will empty pencil case onto floor to find pen he wants etc.

Doing things he doesn't want to do. Just whines or creates a scene. Is actually more difficult in this regard that the two year old who is far more easy going.

Some strategies please. No reward charts - I get sick of them and can't keep it up. It's me that gets bored after 3 days

Help

Coat/shoes. Say there are your coat and shoes to put on. We're leaving the house in 2/5 minutes. If they are not on then you'll look silly/be cold etc.

If he throws food off the plate remove the plate of food.

We only give pocket money if the room is tidy. Someone else I knew did club penguin membership every month if the room was tidy that month. My df used to go round with a bin bag on Fridays after school and anything on the floor went into it. He didn't do it regularly though, so it didn't really work except teach me how to cosmetically tidy a room in 30 seconds (amazing what you can hide under a duvet!)

Thanks Dewe. I do try the coat/shoes thing but I can't make him leave without them on iyswim. Sometimes I've put him outside the front door but it still then takes him ages to get them on.

I feel so useless as I'm an adult and he is 5. I should be able to do this

Fluffy-if it's any consolation my 5 year old is the same

watching with interest. same stuff happening here with dd.

My dc was recently refusing to wear his coat. Turns our he hated it as it felt wrong. So I got a second hand one off eBay like a boy he idolises has in an upper year at school. Problem solved!

Obviously this tactic won't work for everything, but my point is, is there an underlying issue that might help the situation if sorted?

I also use how to talk techniques and make them race me to do stuff to turn it into a game.

No, no issue with the coat - although he doesn't like wearing clothes at the best of time so only likes to 'layer up' at the last minute.

I think we've hit a bit of a downward spiral. I just want him to do something the first time I ask, and am getting increasingly frustrated, and he is becoming increasingly belligerent. Always has an answer why not, always wants to do something else first. It's like he's 13 already.

For getting dressed we have a timer and he (ds1 6) gets 5 minutes. If he's not dressed before it goes off then he gets no TV after school. I have only had to enforce this twice in a year.

re: reward charts - please have another think as honestly nothing works better than bribes positive reinforcement, especially for the hard-to-pin-down stuff like getting dressed with no nagging.
pick just one thing at a time, and start off by making it ridiculously easy to get a decent prize, so he gets the positive reinforcement really, really quickly. Otherwise it just doesn't work. eg A good prize for just one day of getting ready with no nagging. then start to space things out - 3 days, 5 days, 7 days, and then new behaviour becomes a bit more ingrained, and you can start working on the next thing. Forgive me if the above sounds patronising but I have a few friends who say their dc don't respond to reward charts, and their reward systems are a combination of too hard to achieve, too complicated, and the rewards we a bit meh. you need lego, not a chocolate button.

tidying up has to be done before the telly goes on.
table manners are required for pudding.

and in terms of the dreaded backchat, we stick with with "mummy has told you, you have understood, I am ending this conversation". Although it doesn't make them do what you've told, it does stop the endless bickering.

oh, and re the reward charts again - I really struggled initially with giving a reward for stuff that I expected should be done anyway. It feels wrong somehow. But we found that the reward is just a temporary thing, and you can phase it out really easily once they're cracked whatever it is.

I am no expert but, FWIW this is what I would do. Firstly I would stop telling him a hundred times. Explain that from now on you will tell him once, and if he doesn't do it there will be a consequence. He will lose something that matters to him. Then stay calm and let him choose.

If he won't put on coats etc, as long as its not too cold or wet, let him choose. He will end up a bit chilly, and hopefully make a better choice the next day. The same with not tidying, its up to him, but if he doesn't, you will be too busy doing it instead to take him to the park, or whatever it is he likes to do.

Basically use the same principle for each issue, let him choose, but make it clear there are consequences if he chooses not to do as he's told. Good luck

It is hard when you feel you are constantly nagging them to do what you want them to do.
What helped me was when I turned the negatives around and started praising him a lot more. I realised that nearly everything I said to him was a negative and I was focusing more on what he was doing wrong than what he was doing right. So I started to notice everytime he played by himself quietly, everytime he said thankyou, everytime he did what he was told first time round and it really made a difference to us both. He was clearly boosted by the praise and wanted more of it, so he tried harder and I found myself feeling a lot better about his behaviour as I was re-focusing my attention on the positives.

We also came up with house rules which we stuck onto the fridge. He helped me to make them and they were things like taking shoes off when he came into the house, always saying please and thank you, using a knife and fork - achievable little rules. If he broke the rule I could point to the fridge and say "Look, you broke a rule" rather than get into a big strop about what he'd not done.

I also set a punishment system in place that I went through with him so that he knew exactly what was expected from him. I would give him a warning in the morning to turn off the TV and start getting ready to go out. Then I would count down from 10. If he hadn't done what I had asked him to do, I'd then make him sit on the bottom step for 2 minutes (and if it made us late then so be it) in complete silence before we would then try again.

Also a 5yo needs simple, short instructions and I can sometimes waffle "put your coat on now as it's cold outside and mummy needs to go to the shops before daddy comes home and don't forget your shoes, where's your shoes? Find your shoes quickly!" Now I give him one simple instruction at a time without waffling and he is better able to understand what I want from him.

If you are to do a reward chart I'd focus on one behaviour you want to change rather than all of them at once. One piece of advice I was given was never to give monetary rewards or they will expect it all the time. Instead give your time as a reward, such as time reading a book together, or doing a favourite activity with him. I didn't think my ds would take to this but he did and he loved spending that extra time with us!

It's so hard when they want to be little independent souls isn't it? As a parent you find yourself constantly having to adapt and change as they grow, but it does get easier!

Thanks all. I'm going to give this advice a go.

I am guilty of overcomplicating things and tying myself in knots. Simple instructions clearly the key. And no bickering