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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Any tips on getting through the hormone surge of a 4 year old DS

18 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 03/12/2011 21:20

Dramatic tantrums, WHINING all day about anything and everything, emotional dramas etc etc etc.
We are really struggling!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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shufflebum · 03/12/2011 21:22

Marking place, ds1 only 2.7 but sounds very familiar!

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 03/12/2011 21:50

shufflebum at 2ish we had this then he blossoned into a lovely boy, now we are back to the the terrible 2's again.....at 4!

OP posts:

lecce · 03/12/2011 21:56

Sounds just like ds1. We feel unprepared because the 'terrible twos' didn't really happen and we thought we'd got away with it.

Since the summer he's been as you describe- just ridiculous screaming over the most minor of issues. He will be red-faced, in tears, hitting us (though deliberately very gently - he's careful not to actually hurt!) telling us how 'ridiculous' we are because we are going to the park and he hadn't finished playing (to give an example from today).

We do the usual things and give him fair warning of change of activities etc but it is very draining and there are times when I question what we are doing. What works for us (not works as in stops it, but doesn't make it worse) is humour, turing into a game, brisk jollying along. What invariably escalates the situation is getting angry, trying to enforce any kind of discipline.

As I said, I sometimes question what we are doing but my comfort is that his teacher (YR) says his behaviour is great, he is very polite and has excellent concentration. She is especially impressed since he didn't go to pre-school but has settled into all the routines etc really well. So it seems he saves all the horridness for us, which is certainly the way I would choose it to be.

So, no advice, just a massive hijack but just wanted to share and as I have been meaning to post this kind of thing for a while.

What triggers/improves yours?

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 03/12/2011 22:36

Thank you, good to know we are not alone!
Wine improves things no end!! ;)

Just like you really, if we react, he bites and then it builds int a drama. I find the car a nightmare, I want this song, pass me this, kicks the back of the chair if I ask him to wait etc. We have also been told we are stupid etc. If we put him in time out he says we are hurting him etc. Today he went mad at DH as DH had lovingly rubbed his head in affection and DS said DH had hit him! Goodness knows what the neighbours think!

OP posts:

Alicious · 04/12/2011 01:30

Aaah-so that explains why DS1 (very nearly 4) is being so horrible! He had me hiding in the kitchen in tears on Friday morning after yet another tantrum... :( And I never cry.
He can still be lovely-mostly at school or with the babysitter though-with us he threatens to move house at least once a day.
Are yours also STARVING at the moment? Mine requests food all the time-or could it be an unrelated growth spurt?
How long is it supposed to last??

-craving wine but am on night shift at work-boo!

Pippinintherain · 04/12/2011 13:09

So glad to read this as I've just come home from Tescos in tears.
DS is 4.5 and for want of a better word fucking foul.

He's just as you descibe and I'm seriously beggining to question myself, am I a crap mum etc?

If he doesn't get his own way he kicks off big style. I have never given in to him so don't even know why he tries.

How the hell I haven't throttled him I'll never know!

At school he's an angel, maybe I should send him to live with his teacher!

Octaviapink · 04/12/2011 13:12

I thought the hormone surge at 4 was a myth? Sorry to be awkward - I understood it was started by that chap who wrote Raising Boys?

Pippinintherain · 04/12/2011 13:24

Well in that case Octavia we're all just shit mothers who can't control our boys. Cheered me up no end that thought.

Gargula · 04/12/2011 14:00

Whether or not the hormone surge theory is a myth I do think that children's behaviour can be challenging at this age. My DS has just turned 4 and is his behaviour is exactly as the OP describes - really over the top hysterical reactions and shrieking if things don't go his way.

We manage him by trying to accomodate his wishes whenever we can, explaining to him why if we can't, and totally ignoring the hysterical tantrums.

No other advise - just try to push on through it.

Gargula · 04/12/2011 14:01

Advice - not advise

bananamam · 04/12/2011 14:14

In the summer DS was 4 and a half and was awful. Not sure if it's a hormone surge or what but wow! He wasn't violent. Just seemed angry and short tempered all the time.

My only advise is try and be understanding and see the world from their eyes. We rode it out. It was hard. It lasted two months or so. He will be 5 in three months and has turned into a lovely little boy again. School has helped but its like he has matured a bit! He loves Lego now and concentrates for ages when colouring in and so on. We do reward chart with real rewards he can cash in, like swimming, soft play etc. works really well.

Just hang in there...none of you are rubbish mums, this is totally normal.

Tgger · 04/12/2011 18:53

It too will pass. A good mantra . DS went through this and came out the other side. Phew!

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 19:02

I think that going to 'Big School' is actually very hard work for most 4 year olds, even those that have been to full time nursery. They do seem to use up all of their 'good behaviour' at school and can be fairly difficult at home. This too shall pass - and far more pleasurably with a bottle glass of wine at the end of the day. I actually found that a good telling off worked better than pandering and when they know that there are still boundaries at home it made it easier - it was almost like until the boundary had been pushed and the end point reached (each bloody day) the limits needed to be pushed and pushed and pushed, once they'd been told off, they were lovely for the rest of the day (once that was worked out the telling off came very early in the day!! LOL). Weird, but true! However, it totally depends on the child doesn't it. All you can do is try various things until you hit on something that helps your child/you.

Octaviapink · 05/12/2011 08:59

Pippin I neither suggested nor implied that anyone was a shit mother so why don't you cool your boots. If your child is going through a fairly typical 4-year-old challenging patch (which aren't exactly new as let's face it they went through a difficult patch at two, and at three) it doesn't make anyone a bad parent. But putting it down to a mythical hormone surge isn't helpful if that isn't really what's happening. Any more than mistaking an ear infection for teething is helpful.

All you can do at this and most stages is ensure they're getting enough food, sleep, fresh air and downtime, be consistent with discipline and generous with hugs. It passes, like everything else.

Pippinintherain · 05/12/2011 09:55

It was a bad, bad day yesterday Octavia and I was feeling like the worst mother in the world.
Even after enough food, sleep, fresh air and downtime DS was still vile. I have always been consistent too so reading that others are going through the same and the theory of a hormone surge made me feel slightly better.
The suggestion it is all bollocks made me feel that it's maybe me doing something wrong so apologies if I was a little short.

Lets hope whatever it is hurries up and passes eh?

Octaviapink · 05/12/2011 11:19

. It will, it will. Hope today is better. [support] (can't believe there isn't an icon for I-feel-your-pain)

Pippinintherain · 05/12/2011 12:37

Thank you, the cuppa will do nicely

PludolphTheRedNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 13:27

Ohhhh, may I join in? Mine is 3.7, has just moved house for the 4th time in his life, has a baby sister due in the next week or so, and is dealing with a grumpy mother - me! Poor child. I really hope he isn't dealing with hormones as well, although he is starting to just suddenly freak out!

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