Will dd ever learn to be a good friend?

[Sixyearoldwoes]

I despair! I am really struggling with dd's behaviour. She has friends at school but I often wonder for how much longer. She is tall, bossy, pretty uncompromising and doesn't pick up on signals that her games or ideas aren't being received well. Today she was rough in the park and ended up hurting someone and also pretty insensitive to her previous best friend. I intervene when I can but I know I an over worried about her as friendship is do important to me and I want her to learn the skills it took me ages to learn.

She is also rubbish at sharing her own stuff but quite happy to share the stuff of others. This makes playdates at our house a real trial. I just don't feel close to her and loving because I'm always worried about her. If I knew this might be a phase I think I'd relax. I've heard girls this age are tricky. Any hints in how to deal with her and reasons to be optimistic that it might pass soon?

Well as you said yourself, she has friends at school so is obviously able to form friendships. The behaviour you have described doesn't sound that unusual for a child of her age. (am guessing she is 6 from your username.) I would imagine that friendships tend to work themselves out on the playground and she will quickly learn what other children will/won't put up with.

You mentioned that you took ages to learn these skills yourself, so your anxiety may relate more to your own issues than hers? Do you think that could be possible?

I think kindness is a very under-rated trait. You can really only teach that by modelling - let her see your friendships in action, give her loads of praise when she is kind. Whatever rewards she responds to (sticker chart, treats etc) can be used when she does something kind for someone else.

You could also try discussing things like the incident in the park and encourage her to see how they other children might have felt as a result of her actions. I imagine you are already doing things like this so just wanted to encourage you to hang in there. She is still very young and life is a steep learning curve at that age.

You sound like a lovely, caring mother who wants the best for her daughter and that is the most important thing for her.

Lots of reassurance there, much appreciated. I am not so sure about the caring mother bit. I just don't seem able to talk nicely to her about this stuff and end up cross with her, like the incident in the park. I think I expect a lot of her and forget to praise her. Also, get very little nice fun time with her-always getting somewhere or trying to get stuff done. In their charm riots ways, my other two children get daily quality time with me but dd really misses out. Which can't help the friendship-she's hardly getting a model of kindness and caring tolerance from me . Bossy? Yep. Uncompromising? Yep. I guess I can't force her to be a lovely friend but lack time and energy to help her.

My DC are a bit younger than yours (3 and 14 months) but I have similar concerns about my DD1. She is VERY bossy, wants to share other peoples' things but won't share herself (actually uses my line of "If you like someone you share with them" but if you try it on her you get "I DON'T LIKE YOU!"). I think with a slightly older child you could maybe talk to her about what friends she likes and why she likes them? Talk about what she thinks a good friend is and then maybe encourage her to be that kind of friend in order to attract that kind of friend?