Everybody's moaning at DS2 (3 y.o.): how do we change the record

[FootprintsOnTheMoon]

He's the baby of the family (DD age 7, ds1 age 5 and ds2 aged 3) but that's not a comfortable place to be at the moment.

I'm becoming increasingly aware how much shouting/moaning/exclusion and so on is directed at him by everyone in the family. Need to break the cycle, but not sure how.

In some ways, he's so much sweeter and calmer than tantrum-king DS1 at the same age. In another way, it just feels like he's out of step with the family, and it's somehow very sad. This has grown long - sorry!

Flash points are:

• Meal time. Pretty much every meal he is told off for standing on his chair and told off for fiddling with his willy at the table. Sometimes he is told off more sternly/ sent to naughty step / yelled at by DS1 is he escalates to reaching across the table to grab DS1s food. He tries to climb up for a cuddle with whoever is sitting next to him. Moved him so he's sitting next to me - but tbh, I don't really like to be climbed over while I eat, so that's another negative interaction. Because he is such a fidget, he'll regularly spill his water, etc. He shouts randomly, annoying people by interrupting the conversation.

• Homework time. He feels a bit excluded, and doesn't ingratiate himself by rifling through DS1s pencil case & bag or trying to grab the paper. DS1 still needs a lot of support from me, and I prioritise that over DS2 at homework time. I sometimes put the TV on at this time for DS2 - but the older kids complain he's getting a treat - and tbh it doesn't always help. I've worked a lot with him to 'teach' him to colour, so that he can join in, but he still has a very short attention span.

• Drawing time. DS1 has got very into drawing. DS1 has a strongly expressed perfectionist streak. We've had some pretty unjust incidences of DS1 getting stressed at DS2 when DS2 colours in/glues/cuts/rips 'wrong'. Let,s not even speak about when DS2 jogs DS1s elbow!

• Walk time. He's out the buggy and hates holding my hand. Basically, he wants the same freedoms as DS1 and DD. For a while, every walk ended up with me insisting on holding his hand, and him crying and going rag-doll with frustration. It's got better, with a very hard won system of 'waiting points' on the school route, coupled with explaining to DS1 and DD that they mustn't clown around in a way that will trigger DS2 doing something forbidden - but still very wearing on the relationship that I can't rely on a 'nice' walk.

He also gets yelled at for going into Dds room and messing about with her stuff. He wakes up early and tries to come into our bed. I used to let him - but I'm trying to break the habit, since a new baby is on the way, and since he started coming in at 3 a.m. kicking me awake/falling out of our bed. I think these are symptoms of him fishing for more affection - but it's not really the appropriate way to achieve it.

On the bright side, he does get on well with his siblings - they play nicely together, share toys and cuddles etc. He's generally giggly, smily, confident and enthusiastic. He's made a reasonable start at preschool - although he's young in the year and it shows.

Sorry about the length!

Basically, how do I turn the family dynamic around so that the 'baby' gets less flak and/or fits in better with the overall behaviour expectations?

Hi footprints, my kids are 2, 4 and 6 so I am feeling your pain!

My DS2 (age 2) loves to play with his brother and sister, but he's at the age when they get annoyed with him because he messes up their games.

Here are my suggestions:

Meal time. I think it IS appropriate to have different rules for different children. We have to recognise that a toddler has a shorter attention span to a school age child and will get bored at mealtimes. Of course you should tell DS2 to sit down if he is standing on his chair or tell him off if he spills his drink, but I am fairly relaxed if my DS2 makes a mess with his food, wants to sit on my lap or wanders off before the meal is over (as long as he has eaten something before he leaves) as this is what toddlers do. The other two have to understand that THEY are old enough to know better, while he is not. Personally I try to avoid the naughty step at this time as I want meals to be a happy family time - naive I know!!

Homework time is more difficult - I agree you need to prioritise DS1 at this time. My 4yo DD doesn't get homework yet, so it's just my DS1 trying to do his reading, spelling etc while the younger two fight for my attention. No magic solutions from me I'm afraid except the things you already do (trying to distract DS2 with TV, colouring etc). If the older kids complain DS2 is getting a treat, can you promise them 20mins of extra TV time when DS2 is in bed? Could DS1 do some of his homework while DS2 is in the bath?? My DS2 loves his bath!

Drawing time. I have the same issues with a perfectionist DS1 - I blame DH's genes! I know it's a pain but could you spend time with DS2 (reading to him or playing trains) while DS1 draws? Or if you need to do chores etc, ask DS1 to do it in his bedroom while DS2 is "helping" you downstairs?

Walk time. At 3 I think he's old enough not to hold your hand except when crossing the road?

He shouldn't go into DD's room - would a stair gate help??

gate would help - but I'd be sorely tempted to just put it across his door - ha ha! I keep hoping he'll understand what behaviour is getting a bad reception & just stop going into Dds room in the evening/ yelling at the table & so on. It's slowly dawning on me though that all he's learning is that 'everybody shouts at me all the time' .

The meals are frustrating. While I appreciate he's small, I think it's such a small ask not to be actively disruptive! It doesn;t help that he eats like a bird. He'll sit there for fifteen minutes not touching his food, until someone relents and spoon feeds him. My older two were self-feeding from 12 months, so I really don;t 'get' it - I sometimes wonder if he actually has a problem with his attention span.

I think he actually quite likes meals for the sociable side - just instead of contributing conversation, he'll contribute random tiger noises or spontanteous morris dancing in his chair. Cute - but not great. This is actually the other side of the problem I had last year - DS2 would make a silly noise, everyone would fall about laughing and copying him - and before I know it, I'm heading up a zoo.

DH and his CM are less strict with the walking, which I guess is half the problem. My concern is having to keep track of three kids in a public place. If I'm talking to a teacher, friend or DD/DS1, I won;t always be watching everyone, and I can;t trust him not to wander off. He went through an amusing phase of dragging ten paces behind us on the school run, and then suddenly turning 180 degrees and making for home. Very funny - ha ha - apart from DS1 would have been 10 paces ahead of us, and me having to double back to fetch DS2 quickly makes the situation uncontrolled. I don;t like screaming at them like a fishwife, and I'm becoming too pregnant for the quick sprint reactions, hence he's had his wings clipped and is required to stay near me. It is another example from his pov of 'life's so unfair' - I agree.

sigh But it's not really solving the problem for me to be all defensive. It's still the case that he must hear wall to wall criticism morning to night - and it's not clear that any of it is actually improving his behaviour.

Would he accept a wrist strap when you are out near a road?
Re homework could you have a bookbag for him[usually free at local library with surestart]and bring out his 'homework'.My dgs is just a little younger and will happily stick stickers onto coloured paper[v.cheap from Lidl] or use crayons to 'write' or play at the table with some lego.He also likes sorting things-so 'Dgs2 will you please put all the red crayons on the red paper and the blue ones on the blue paper etc etc.
I also think that if tv works there is probably a dvd that he loves which is a bit young for the others.Mt dgs2 loves Tractor Ted and the Big Machines and Dancing Diggers.

I'm not sure. His catchphrase is "I'm not running, Mummy" - so I don't know if a wrist strap would make me chill or insult him.

Stickers might work - if I could find a cheap bulk supply. It is nice when he does a picture that we can then 'big up'. TV - he watches "in the night garden" - but it seems to have become a cult favourite with my 7 y.o. !

Have I mentioned the furniture climbing?

If I do sit them all down in from of night garden, more often than not, I'm repeatedly asking DS2 not to jump on the sofa or climb on the coffee table. Often I end up having to remove him from the room.

Even TV is not a safe treat with regards to not ending in DS2 being told off!

Sorry but :o :o at "I think it's such a small ask not to be actively disruptive" - surely this is most toddler's raison d'etre!!

His behaviour isn't unusual for his age, but it sounds as though you have got into a vicious circle. I remember feeling with my DS, at around the same age, that all I did was tell him off. It took a couple of weeks of really having to think about it, but his behaviour improved as he got positive attention and praise, instead of negative attention for acting up.

I do understand that it is much harder when you have older ones, but can you ignore some of the negative behaviour (or downplay it as much as possible) and give him lots of praise and positive attention for sitting nicely and eating what he does eat? Or get him involved in singing songs or telling silly stories as you walk along holding his hand, so that it feels like positive attention instead of a punishment?

I think as far as the older children go, you need to point out that they would have got to watch TV/ play at his age, but now they are older, they do homework but they also get to

Sorry "but his behaviour improved as he got positive attention and praise for positive behaviour, instead of negative attention for acting up.

Maybe my DS1 has been getting the lions share of my positive parenting energy. Between his speech delay and him tantrums he's given me plenty of motivation to give him focussed attention - he's the one I'm likely to be singing songs with or thinking of work-arounds for things he doesn't like.

Maybe instead of a wrist strap get a rucksack with a strap for you to hold on to; he gets more freedom but can only go about 4 feet away from you?