Aspergers...?

[DimpleChin]

My ds is 6 and I've been concerned for a while that he's a bit 'different' from the other kids. He's v v bright, and the difference is really hard to pinpoint / explain, other than he's just not quite like other kids re how he plays, interacts etc (esp with other kids). He talks a LOT and it's as tho he talks AT you rather than WITH you. And he struggles with emotional regulation too - so, for instance, he may end up hurting me when he's really trying to show love etc.

I am not with his dad, and his dad refuses to acknowledge there is anything wrong - maybe because he is similarly a bit 'different'.

I took ds to see an expert and the guys said that he thinks ds has minor Aspergers and we are awaiting referral. But what if my ex is right and there's nothing wrong with ds and I'm just an overconcerned mum who's now got her ds labelled...???!!!

Does anyone else have similar experiences?

I doubt that a label of minor aspergers would cause problems. Actually, I believe, labels are not necessarily a bad thing. When it comes to school they will suit their education to him (hopefully!) - they wont draw lots of attention to him and make him 'different' just because he has a diagnosis. If he needs support he will get it, if he doesn't he wont. He'll just be, as you say, one of those kids who's a bit different.

On the up side, if he does have aspergers, the diagnosis will help teachers (and as he gets older, other children, particularly secondary school) understand him a little quicker and have a little more tolerance for his social behaviour.

I have a relative who I believe has moderate aspergers but wasn't given a diagnosis at 11 becuase of 1 'symptom' that he was missing. I think a diagnosis would have helped him fit in better at school and helped teacher's support him more. I also think he'd understand his own behaviours more, he would feel reassured that he isnt crazy or a bad person. It annoys me to this day that he wasn't given a 'label'

Its said that almost everyone, especially males, have aspergers tendancies so, if your son's is minor then you may find people disagree over whether he has it or not. It isn't an exact science so I wouldn't worry.

a) It's very hard to get a diagnosis of Aspergers. They don't dish them out like candy. It took my DS a year to get his dx, and in that time he say 3 peads, and EP and an OT - all of whom said the same thing.

b) A 'label's' not a bad thing. Nobody will know his dx unless you tell them. If however he needs extra support in school, at any time, the label will help him get extra support - or at the very least get extra understanding.

At 6 he may not have any problems at school. If he does have Aspergers he will start to have problems as he gets older as the other kids get socially more mature and he lags behind them.

You are far better off knowing whether he does or doesn't have Aspergers. The answer will affect how you parent him.

If the expert thought there was enough evidence to refer your DS then it could be that he does have Aspergers.

It can take years to get through the system, especially with those children who are borderline.

I agree with indigo, that you will need to use different parenting techniques with him if he does have AS so the sooner you know the better. And school will need to know the best ways to support him.

Go for it at least then you will know.

Good luck

I think the way to think about the label thing is "what's the worse label"?

so my son (who has traits like your son's) is now labelled "shy" and sometimes "anxious" and those are slightly more flexible labels than "aspergers" - it's easier to say "I was shy as a child" than "I had asperers as a child".

But if he was being labelled "naughty" or "bad", or if I was being labelled "Bad parent" then I'd probably be pushing the professionals' door down.

My own older brother was labelled "weird" and then bullied. So "aspergers'" would have been a better label IYSWIM.

Try to go easy on your ex - having a good relationship with his dad is going to be crucial for your boy and if your ex can't handle the label thing I'd take it slow. Your ex may also have been labelled "weird" and that's a scary thing to have to think about. My DH didn't want to get involved with diagnostic stuff at all - he said "I just want to be his daddy".

If your DS has Asperger's, the label can be a very useful thing, not just for formulating action plans for his education, but also for your DS. My DS3 knew from a very young age that he was not quite like other people, and for him it was a great relief to know why - his brain works a little bit differently than most peoples, and this is normal for him. He was dx at 4 (referred at 3 but we knew at about 18 months). He is V,V clever, but just starting to make serious academic headway now, at age 14 (immaturity/inattention hampered him much more when he was younger). Without a label, he would not have had the help and understanding he needed to get this far at school.

lingle , if someone has Asperger's as a child, they have is as an adult too! It's not something you grow out of - though many people do "merge" into the background of "normal", they will always retain those characteristics - it's part of who they are :) Children dx as spectrum often have relatives who are a bit more spectrum than the average person (almost all of us have some of these traits).

Last weeks New Scientist has a fantastic article for anyone wanting to instill a bit of pride in their DC who are a little bit different - it postulates that pretty much all of human innovation (from religion to technology) is associated with the emergence of a number of genes associated with ASD, and some types of mental illness. It makes very interesting reading.

Thanks for all the replies - really appreciated.

I really just want to understand ds more and to support him as best I can. I figured that if he does have AS and I don't know it then I could actually be telling him off for behaviours he can't control fully...that made me feel so so sad.

His dad is quite proud of the fact that ds is a bit different. I find that quite frustrating because I think that ds actually (he's only 6!) would be far happier to be more like the other kids. I've seen him watching them (so have his teachers) and it's as though he's on the outside looking in but really wants to join in but doesn't know how. Being different is fine, don't get me wrong, but wanting / needing to fit in as a kid is also fine.

We are just waiting for the next round of appointments now. ds taking it all in his stride :)

Ah you sound lovely dimplechin. I so vividly remember that being-on-the-outside-looking-in feeling from my childhood knowing that there were mysterious social rules being followed that the other girls just seemed to understand instinctively.

I appreciate your frustration with your ex but how great is that to have a dad who is proud of you just for being who you are? Though it would be awful if his dad taught him to look down on the kids he was "different" from.... you know how sometimes you meet very academic teenage boys who shy away from their peers but you know that secretly they're a bit scared of them ? I hope his dad will teach him to appreciate the skills that others have.

thinking about wanting to fit in, I like the books "Talkability" (published by Hanen, available for £32 from winslow, aimed at verbals kids with ASD or just social difficulties). "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship", whilst not aimed at kids with special needs, is also briliant. I remember reading it and thinking "damn, why did no-one tell me this?". Virtually any good resource aimed at improving social skills in kids with aspergers will be good for you to read I think - you just have to mine them till you find the traits your recognise.

By the way, have you got your son on the special educational needs register for his social communication skills? my son has been on it since he was 3 and I think it's been very useful for him. You don't need a diagnosis for this. It's nice because it means that every parents' evening we talk about his friendship skills, etc, not just his maths.

lingle what's the SEN register for social communication skills? Do all schools have this? Do they start at nursery?

Sounds like it's something our DS would benefit from who's been diagnosed as 'traits of ASD, but not ASD' - he only has social / communication difficulties.

He sounds very like one of my boys and I would second the suggestion of "the unwritten rules of friendship". I also find this book really useful with him. I should say that my son has never been diagnosed with Aspergers but just sounds like your son.

Do all schools have this? Do they start at nursery?

I think the answers are "yes" and "yes" - try starting a thread in primary education identifying your LEA and a teacher will pop up and answer properly.