Another 'hitting' thread, but i am new to this!

[MarthasHarbour]

OK then

DS is 2yrs and 5mo. I have a friend who i see occasionally, she is in our group of friends and we never do one-to-one as we arent that close, but we get on OK. She has a DS the same age.

She is of the happy clappy 'let the children explore their creativity' bollox and doesnt really tell her LO off when he hits, nips and snatches toys. He gets 'the look' and the 'oh are you angry darling - talk to mumsy about why you are angry etc etc'

I on the other hand have got to a point when i tell her little one off when he hits my DS or grabs his toys as i am frankly sick of it. Not in a nasty way but in a 'oi there LO, stop that now' sort of thing.

So i have sorted that one out after months of wondering what to do about it. I am quite happy about how it is going, the friend responds to it by taking her LO away and having a chat with him about anger/feelings/the state of the world economy etc etc.

She knows her LO is in the wrong, she even said to me once that she wished my DS would hit hers back so he would learn wondering-why she cant teach him herself

So this brings me to new problem, which i am going to be faced with for years to come: My mother reckons i should encourage my DS to hit him back and any other child who crosses his path. Reckons he should learn self defence.

When i said; no because if he starts slapping at school then he will also get punished. Her response was well 'thats life'

To an extent i agree with her, but i dont want to go encouraging DS to fight with other kids. I want him to 'just walk away' from it. Maybe do the 'OI stop it - i dont like it' and walk away. My mother thinks that is 'a bit wet' (cue the 'piss take' look i get from her if i disagree with her but thats another thread!!)

But then i dont want DS to be a pushover. At the moment he is young and just gets upset when it happens. He is at nursery so is used to being around other kids.

Another friend reckons i should let DS know that it is ok to hit back but not to instigate fighting IYSWIM.

What do you all think? God i am sooo new to this!

The problem with saying it is okay to hit back is that they can see things as okay when they clearly aren't. Ds hits very rarely without a reason. It could be they hit me, it could be they pushed me (when they actually tripped and fell into him) it could be they picked up the car I was playing with (when he was playing with but briefly had his back turned). They are all unacceptable reasons for hitting even if you can see why he did it.

The problem is that he should not hit. At all.

If you start saying it's okay in that situation then they may well find other situations when to them they have been aggrieved/hurt but it is not okay.

Agreed. I've seen quite a few people on here say they teach their children to hit back, especially in bullying threads. I do understand this and would hate to imagine my child being tormented and just taking it.

My issue though is that I want my child to understand hitting is wrong. It wont get them anywhere as an adult, except possibly prison. With boys in particular I would be concerned that they would get into a fight in a pub and end up getting arrested. I'm not saying that 'stand up for yourself' turns your child into a brawler! Just that it is a mixed message.

I also find this reasoning odd - what if your child is quite small or has no coordination and therefore crap at hitting! You are teaching your child that the way to deal with physical violence is to join in and ultimately get beaten up.

Your child is way to young to understand 'hit back but dont start it' and I think even too young to stand up for himself. Leave that kinda talk till he's at school.

I would tell your Mum that 'thats life' also applies to her not being able to decide how to parent your child!

Thanks for your replies, lots to think about.

I agree with what you are saying, i managed to get by without getting into any fights (well i did but i was too 'wet' to fight back myself despite my mothers advice!!). I managed by staying out of trouble.

wellthen as i say, my relationship with my mother is a whole different thread! it just got me wondering thats all

Typing on ny phone so just a quick one but thanks a million shiney that is really good advice, I will just tell my mum to butt out and worry about it later

To be honest if your DS has never hit the other child, you probably won't be able to encourage him to hit out even if you try! In my experience some kids hit (eg my DS2) and some just don't (eg my DS1). My DS1 has never laid a finger on another child, like you I used to worry about him becoming a victim, but he's now in year 1 and so far no sign of him being a bully OR getting bullied.

DS2 on the other hand... arghh!!

I don't agree with teaching to hit back - and I think yours is still too little to have to be entering discussion in that way, anyway

However - I've told my older 2 (8 and 5) that if they told me that X had hit them - and all the usual strategies they had for dealing with it hadn't worked - I wouldn't be cross if they told me that they'd hit back in defence

I agree I don't want my kids to be pushovers but don't like condoning violence either

Personally I prefer the teaching "NO! Don't hit me!" approach (though have 2 gobby dds so this quite effective)

thanks guys

good to hear the stories of kids coming out the other side. think the issue is more with my mother needing to butt out!