Very clingy, antisocial toddler - please help

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

DS is 21 months and incredibly clingy. He has been this way since around 5 months old and I am feeling more and more despondent about it.

He is also incredibly fearful/anxious of other children.

I am finding day-to-day life a real grind with him as he is only ever happy if we are at home, playing together. Which is fine, to a certain extent, but as a SAHM I get incredibly lonely and (even though I hate admitting it) - bored.

The original plan was for me to go back to work p/t when DS was 9 MO. We had arranged a place in a local nursery for DS, but decided that this would not really suit him and that he might be better off with more focussed attention. So we started a nanny share, with the nanny looking after DS and one other girl, based at the other girl's house. It was a disaster. DS stopped eating and drinking, and spent all day crying. The nanny resigned after two months and I took vol redundancy from work.

As a result of the nanny's concerns (about his levels of separation anxiety) we have been seen by a range of specialists and none have flagged any major concerns - but he is obv still too young to be assessed for ASD etc.

I take him to a range of different groups/activities and can see that he is incredibly different to other children his age, who seem to play alongside each other confidently (if not always amicably!) We go to the same groups/classes each week so he is familiar with the settings/people. The other mums/carers can all sit and have a cuppa/chat, whereas if I attempt to do this DS will cry and cling to my leg or repeat 'mama, there' while pointing to an empty part of the room.

At home, he doesn't always need me to play with him, but if I leave the room he will stop what he is doing and whinge/cry until I come back. Either that, or he follows me and grips round my leg. The only time he is happy to be left on his own is when Balamory is on TV.

If we are out and about - playing football for example - he is happy enough until another child gets too close (and we're talking 20 metres away), and then he wants to be in my arms and away from them.

I love him to bits and try to be patient/understanding but I find his behaviour incredibly frustrating. I can go for a whole day without any adult interaction as he gets so upset when I try to have a conversation. I know quite a few mums in the local area but we very rarely now get invited to meet ups etc as we are such bad company.

Other than this he is a bright, happy boy.

Has anyone else experienced this? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel! And if I start thinking ahead to pre-school/school I just can't see how he is going to cope :(

Any advice or happy stories of clingy toddlers blossoming into happy confident children gratefully received!

Hi, my DD is just 2 years old and sounds very similar to your DS. She will scream at people to 'go away' or say 'oh no!! Going now!!' if people come up to chat when we're out. We don't do any groups - I thought maybe I should start but by the sound of your post they've not helped you so I may wait a bit. Saw 2 children her age at GP waiting room today and she wanted me to wait in the hall away from them! At home and with close family she is fine and she can play independantly (for a short time). Am just trying to be patient and to give her the security she needs at the moment. All DC are different and some are more sensitive than others. There is a good book called the 'Highly Sensitive Child' (sorry, can't remember author) which was reassuring. Sorry not to have any advice - but can empathise!

i know it is an exstremely hard situation you are in, babies not easy!! im sure if what i am about to say will help and im sure other people have a different opinion or approach but here goes. every child is different with different needs and do everything in there own time no matter how inconvienient. my thoughts are that if you try to force your baby to do things before he is ready it will only make him even more clingier for longer as it will add to his anxieties but i do understand your frustrations and how lonley you feel. i think you are doing the right thing by joining groups and maybe with time you may be able to move just a step away from him and gradually moving away slightly more each time. i know its hard but it wont last forever and although its hard now they are only young once for a short time compared to how long we will have with them becoming increasingly independant and we see less and less until they are adults so maybe if you could become more relaxed with his needs you might be able to enjoy the fact he wants to be with you whowever i really do understand your frustration i found haveing a baby so hard having no space to myself and i have a friend who really struggles too. 21mnths nearlly 2 that is a very difficult age but it does get easier i allways say i love the age 3 upwards because they take more notice and understand why when you tell them well im not saying for all children because they develope at their own individual pace. its alot of patience but soon you will have the life you want i promise it does get easier he is still only young and he will mix when he feels ready its just such a shame it is inerfereing with your work plans and frienships i hope you have family support. i spend a lot of time by myself but i find facebook or a good chat with my friends on the phone when the children are in bed helps me to stay sane haha im sorry to here you dont get invited to meet ups i dont believe its because you are bad company but if these people feel like this maybe they are not such good friends. do you have someone you could invite to yours regularly even if you couldnt have a conversation with for a short time once or twice a wk then your son will get used to them coming around and may grow to get used to someone else being there and eventually warming to them

That sounds similar to my 23 m.o. in some respects (I posted about him here).

He has dramatically improved over time though and now he's usually okay with other adults (as long as DH or I are there). We haven't done anything to particularly 'encourage' him to get used to other adults or children - it improved on its own.

You can read about the Highly Sensitive Child here (I've not read it but have read several summaries of it).

Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution has a whole lot of good ideas for different ages in it.

Playful Parenting (which I think is a great book) talks about finding the right line between staying completely away from the scary thing and being there in the middle of the scary situation. Basically you move with the child from the safe place towards the scary thing (eg another child or another adult) and stop at the point where they start getting upset. Then you stay there, holding and reassuring them and let them cry for as long as they need to. It's a way of helping them learn that they can get closer to the frightening situation while still actually being safe. The book explains it better though.

It does sound really tough for you though.

I feel your pain. When my ds1 was born, I had only just moved to the area. There was NO WAY I could have stayed at home all day with him just because he wanted me to - I felt my only chance to get to know anyone else properly in a new town, miles from any pre-existing friends, was to meet up with other mothers with small babies. Frankly, it was depressing and increasingly distressing to observe that my child, from little more than 6 weeks onwards, hated the company of others.... to compound it, he didn't seem to be developing any gross motor skills... and wouldn't even let close relatives hold him or look after him. The delay in his gross motor skills meant that when other mothers were at the stage of wanting to take their children to playgrounds and soft play areas, I was doubly disadvantaged socially by a child who not only wouldn't separate himself from me or tolerate me paying attention to other adults rather than focusing entirely on him, he couldn't in any event take part in any of the other children's activities and was terrified of being knocked over by them because he was also still incapable of getting himself from lying to sitting (or crawling, or bottom shuffling....).

He is now 7 years old, loves school, feels happy and is secure and confident in his friendships. It took 6 long years to get to that point, however - a very slow, painful process. We were lucky to have very kind, gentle, understanding pre-school teachers (and pre-school surprised me - whilst he didn't interact with the other children and would only speak to the teachers if spoken to, he was aware of everything that was going on, knew everyone's names if you asked him who the other children were and did not cry for me, except on his very first morning, albeit that from the way he played you could tell it was always a waiting game for my return) and lovely primary school teachers who helped him realise, slowly but surely, that the world outside his own home was not a dangerous place and other children were not hideous monsters. Not that he appears to remember any of it - he even asks with fondness about a playgroup he used to go to every time we go past the building, as though he actually enjoyed himself there and didn't spend the whole time glued to my leg.

My ds1 will, I'm quite certain, never be the adventurous type, but I think at least these days he is quietly confident in his own abilities and enjoys engaging with the world in positive ways. In his case, the physical delays (caused by a connective tissue disorder and low muscle tone) were a huge contributor to his general fearfulness - there was always a direct correlation between improved physical skills and his willingness to engage. The upside was, given that he wasn't romping about the place like other children, we spent a lot of time reading together and doing puzzles and talking (mostly me at him, as his low muscle tone delayed his ability to speak clearly until later than average, too!) and he could read to himself at the age of 3 and was fascinated by numbers, so incredibly good at maths. I think the fact that he could see that he was at least good at something helped his confidence, once the skills he was good at gained a bit of currency, and he can now also be particularly proud of himself that, as a result of colossal amounts of hard work on his part, he is now able to do all the physical things any other child of his age is expected to do (and in addition is a great piano player). It is so lovely these days to be able to relax and genuinely enjoy his company and enjoy watching him enjoying himself with others!!!!! If I'm being honest, I never expected him to end up quite so normal, given his early trials and tribulations!

I think some children are just desperately shy, OP - I was, and found social situations like going to school to be agonising. The best thing you can do is probably to go at his pace but try to do things you would enjoy too, so go to the playgroups, get a coffee with him in attendance, and try to sit near enough to someone to get some company, at least for a while. Staying in the house will drive you mad with frustration and you really do need the support and reassurance of other mothers (who probably think your child is incredibly well behaved since he's not biting other children or throwing things). My DS has always been exceptionally attached to me and has been going through a very shy phase since he was about eighteen months, but at 26 months he seems to be coming out of it again. He is totally lacking in aggression (good) but also lacking in confidence, and other children tend to push him around if I'm not there to supervise, which probably makes him depend on me even more! I know I've wondered why he isn't like other children his age too.

Do you know any nice mothers of quiet-ish children who you could have to your house for playdates? That's a fairly low-stress environment for your child, even though he might have to share his toys. If you can find someone who's nice enough to have over once a week it will become part of his routine. At 21 months he's too young to have a friend, but if he gets used to the same child being there every week he will learn not to be afraid of them.

I really do feel for you as you've had to change your entire life to accommodate him, but I think you sound like a brilliant mum and I'm sure this is a phase that will pass eventually. You will get there!

I sympathise - just wanted to add that you mustn't stop going to groups as it may be phase that wears off or being around other children may slowly come to feel normal/natural to your LO, consistency is sometimes rewarded :) my DS was terrible around other kids when he was 8m-12m, but I kept taking him to the same groups even though he would cry his little heart out whenever another child came up to him or made a loud noise and often I would have leave the groups early. it seemed to gradually fade away as he got past 12m and started looking interested in others more and more (I saw a HV who runs a group recently and she said "wow what a difference a year makes!" as DS is 25m now and was running around chasing other kids, building towerblocks with others and laughing/shouting, when she saw him last a 12m he would have had his head buried in my lap screaming!). I'm certain that had I not kept going every week to things with other babies/kids that he would not be as confident as he is now around other people. best of luck :)

Thanks for all your replies :)

It's reassuring to know that I am not the only one going through this, and really really reassuring to know that things will (hopefully!) improve as he gets older.

rabbitstew my DS also had delays with his gross motor skills. He didn't crawl or shuffle, and didn't roll until 14 months (!) He was walking at 17 months but couldn't get from sitting to standing until 19 months and only learnt how to go from standing to sitting last week! I also felt/feel very out of synch with other mums, who could take their LOs to soft play and let them run riot while DS sat on my knee crying because of the noise! Your experience of the transition to pre-school and school has been really reassuring - I'm so glad your DS is now happy and settled.

I'll definitely keep persevering with the groups and try to take baby-steps to improve his confidence and ability to play independently.

AngelDog - thanks for the links and reading suggestions, I'll go onto Amazon now :)

You might well be able to get some of the books via your local library (I did).

Something else that helped us with getting DS used to family members was to put together a photo album of his grandparents / aunts & uncles / cousins. We used to 'read' it together most days, and especially before we would see any of them. I definitely think it helped him to be less frightened of them.

We made the connection with his toys a lot, telling him when we looked at the pictures that these people gave him his tractor, these people gave him his lorry etc. Fortunately each of the key people had given him a toy he particularly liked!

Initially he'd scream if any of our relatives even tried to talk to him while we held him, but now he's happy to be left with either grandmother and enjoys talking about the rest of the family members.

DS has also enjoyed this book which is full of photos of babies. I don't know if it's helped his separation anxiety more, but I reckon it's worth reading books with photos of other children/adults in, as that introduces other people in a more 'real' way than drawn illustrations, but allows him to see that they're interesting rather than scary.

Thanks AngelDog. I made DS a photobook of our extended family a few months ago (we live miles away from everyone so dont see them very regularly) - and it has helped loads!! He was overjoyed to see his Grandpa a few weeks ago, whereas the time before that (before I did the book) DS refused to even look at him.

We also have a 'family' of toy bunnies - mama, dada, baby, nanna etc, which also seems to have helped. Before we see a certain fmaily member, I make sure that the corresponding bunny gets lots of attention!

We have left DS overnight with grandparents twice (always at our house). He behaves beautifully for them, but there is generally hell to pay when we get back. In fact, we were away at the weekend so I assume his worse-than-usual behaviour this week (which triggered my post) is directly related.

I'll check out the book recommendation - thank you!

Yes, my neighbour's son was like this. They finally put him in school nursery when he was 3.5. He cried himself to sleep for weeks. And now he's doing just great!

My DS2 is an anxious child. I don't think we can assume our kids are just born this way. I think it's a lot to do with their processing/integration skills as youngsters. If these are poor then they have hidden delays, and this makes the world a truly scary place. In my son's case a receptive language delay did the damage. You've already highlighted that there were motor skills delays for your lad - could there be other developmental issues that might have affected him?

IWillOnlyEatBeans - it's interesting what you say about the toy bunnies. My ds1 showed empathy towards his toys a long time before he showed any empathy towards real people. When he was at pre-school and in reception at school, he would get all his soft toys on returning home and teach them - registration and everything, praise and tellings off. It was very revealing of what was going on each day!!! He also tended to show his feelings to his toys rather than real people - eg cuddle them and tell them how lovely they were when he was happy, and say horrid things to them when he was sad. School helped quite a bit with encouraging him to feel safe to express his own feelings (and to understand what they really were) rather than acting them out on inanimate objects! He will quite happily these days tell me when he's upset with me, rather than threatening to throw his tiger in the dustbin! He's also a lot better at apologising when he knows he's done the wrong thing.

The behaving beautifully for grandparents and then extended punishment for parents is pretty normal, I think - both my dss used to do that!

AngelDog - just read the post that you linked to. You have practically described my DS's behaviour at playgroup to a T! And also my response to it.

rabbitstew - glad to hear it is not just DS who plays up after we've been away. We had a lovely relaxing time (it was our wedding anniversary so we went to a nice hotel for the night) but it's almost not worth the aggravation!

lingle - I'm not sure if DS has any other delays. His fine motor skills were spot on and he does ok with communication (understands and can follow instructions, can either say/sign what he wants a lot of the time). What is a receptive language delay?

i have a friend whos baby didnt start talking till he was 2 and she was very frustrated and it didnt help listening to other parents saying that their 2 yr olds were nearly strining sentances together doing this and doing that but otherwise her son was definately not slow i told her that he would do it in her own time and that professionals did their job by a book and that that was ok because we do need something to go by so that we can watch out for problems but 2mnths later he is coming on in leeps and bounds, sometimes we need to stop worrying what other parents and proffessionals thinnk and go with our own mother instincts as we all have a different life to live with different attitudes and family values. :0)

I could have written your post OP. My ds1 is now 8. He was exactly as you describe. We went regularly to the same mums and tots groups and he would not move away from me, I never ever sat with other mums as I had to be right next to him all the time, otherwise he wouldn't have played or had any fun from the sessions.
I constantly worried about him and compared him to other children and tried to encourage him to join in. I am ashamed now of how I was with him, I thought I could make him be what I thought he should be. only over time did I realise that it was just him and I needed to accept that he is shy and not a natural 'joiner inner'.
He is 8 now and tbh he does still find social situations difficult. He worries about things like parties, sees underlying meanings in the simplest things, is easily upset and lacks self confidence BUT he improves every day. Things that have helped have been finding a really super, caring nursery; joining the beavers; getting him some worry dolls; going to church. But mainly it has been me lightening up and accepting him as a person.
He does ok academically, has a couple of good friends and is generally happy but he still isn't your average kid and I'm so glad.
Only thing I would say from my experience is not to pressurise him. It will come at it's own pace and it may take time but he will get better and the more you're there for him the more he will feel able to move away from you.

DS has actually improved a bit since my thread. He is now prepared to sit in my lap with other children nearby and as long as they're not too close, he's 'on edge' rather than hysterical, which is definitely progress. :)

A friend of mine was describing a toddler the same age that she knew who was similar, but whose response to being frightened by other children was to hit, scratch, pull hair and bite the children coming near her. Although it's difficult having a child who finds his peers frightening, it is easier when DS's response is to shriek and scream for Mummy / milk.

Another (adult) friend was saying that it's easy for even adults to feel wary of small children because they're so unpredictable. It's no surprise that some children feel that, especially when they can't really communicate with them.

Well exactly, AngelDog. It is perfectly rational to find the unpredictable behaviour of most toddlers alarming and potentially dangerous. If you aren't an irrational and unpredictable type of toddler, why should you be expected to have the grown-up thought processes that rationalise their sometimes hideous behaviour by telling yourself they don't understand the effect of what they are doing, are rather cute, really, don't mean any real harm and just need protecting from themselves - even though they are the same age as you and you don't behave like that...

Hi

Just wanted to post a really quick message to say that I know exactly how you feel. I had a similar experience with my DD1. I also had planned to go back to work part time but decided it would be too stressful.

Anyway to cut a long story short my DD started to gradually improve at about 20 months (when she started to be able to talk and communicate) and gradually got better and better. When she started pre school at 2 years and 4 months (only 2 mornings a week) it was a nightmare but I started to stay with her at pre school and just leave her for very short spells of time before returning. After the first term (Sep-Dec) she was absolutely fine there without me at all and I increased her time there from 3 years old.

She also was always very wary of other children and much preferred to play with me instead!

She started school in September and loves it - not one tear has been shed!! When she was the same age as your DS I would NEVER have believed how she would turn out! Please try not to worry. You are doing all the right things and hopefully with time your little one will gain confidence - it just takes longer for some than others like all things.

Thinking about it, I think lingle has a good point about the way children process information. IIRC one of the marks of the 'highly sensitive' child is that they process lots of information at once in lots of detail, so they're easily overwhelmed.

I see a bit of this in my DS although I don't think it's a delay - I'd describe it as just a more introverted data processing style. When we're at swimming lessons, we're given e.g. a teddy bear float, do some exercises with it for 3-5 minutes and then move on to the next thing. The other children seem to pick up the float, do the exercise (or not) and are usually happy to move on. DS, on the other hand, wants to talk about the fact that it's a teddy bear, that it's a float and that it's red. He wants to talk about its eyes and stick his finger in the holes, and do the same with the nose and the mouth. Then he wants to talk about its ears and discuss again the fact that it's a teddy bear float. At that point he's ready to start the activity - by which time of course, we've finished using the floats and we're onto the next thing. I can see how he analyses situations in more detail, but more slowly, than some other children, which I'm sure has an effect in a group context.

good point angel dog. it doesn't need to be a delay. Any natural difference in the way you process information can lead you to being a bit "out of synch" with your peers so you become shy. . And then people tell your parents that that's just how you are......

My ds1 has a phenomenally good memory and I think part of that may be compensating for oddities in the way in which he processes information. For example, he only needed to watch a half hour programme once to virtually be able to quote it verbatim, complete with expression and different accents for each character. But when he was little, if he was sat in front of a film (eg Happy Feet) with cousins who would happily gaze at the screen all the way through (and be blissfully unaware of what it was actually about by the end!), after half an hour or so he would start to get fractious and unsettled and want to stop watching it. It took him weeks to get to the end of Happy Feet, because he kept wanting to watch it from the beginning again, but could only cope with relatively short extensions on the amount of the film he had watched compared to the last time. I think he couldn't cope with the concept of just getting the gist of the plot - he needed to take in all the details aswell (or instead!!!). He isn't like that any more - he will quite happily watch a long film in one sitting and be satisfied with the understanding gained from just one sitting. However, I wait with interest to see how well he copes in future with summarising the plots of stories without getting bogged down in the details! So far so good - he is very advanced in literacy at school and good at summarising things, IF he is reminded at the beginning that most people are not interested in some of the details that interest him (ie he always gets the gist well, but doesn't always realise, for example, that other people tend to have less interest in numbers and time than he has, so would happily not have a precise account of the exact time and exact quantity of things in a general summary of a story!!!!). It is also interesting to note that whilst he loves numbers, maths and time, his own made-up stories are generally based on wild fantasies, rather than logic and order! He definitely dances to the beat of a different drum in many ways and has had, to a certain extent, to learn what is considered logical and important to most other people and what he can get away with including in things for his own personal satisfaction. Your ds sounds quite similar, AngelDog.

Thanks again for sharing your stories with me - they have given me hope! :)

We attended a new toddler group today and I was really proud of DS. He toddled off to play independently on a few occasions. It didn't last long - he soon beckoned me over to join him, but I just let him take the lead and he had a fun time.

philmassive - your post has really struck home. I think I expect him to behave a certain way (like 99% of the other toddlers I see rampaging around), but I need to start accepting who he is and stop trying to get him to behave like everyone else. Thank you.

Jan2 - I hope we can find a lovely pre-school which is so understanding and accomodating. I'm glad your DD is happy and settled at school now.

rabbitstew - we watched the first 30 mins of Stuart Little yesterday before DS wanted it to be turned off. DS has wanted to talk/sign over and over and over again about the story so far, particularly the mouse getting stuck in the washing machine and chased by the cat (i.e. the stressful parts!) I wonder how far we'll get through it next time?!

Fantastic - well done your DS. :)

'tis a pleasure. Good luck, and relish his individuality