Is it too late at 9 years

[bucketbetty]

to change my DS's behaviour? He has alwasy had difficulty at school. He gets into trouble a lot of the time. Nothing I would say was too bad but bad enough to be excluded from after school club and to be threatened with exclusion from school. I feel like such a failure as a mother. I worry so much that's it's too late to change things, but most difficult of all is to think what I can do to help change his behaviour. He can be so lovely and is lovely with me most of the time, but he also can be really defiant, usually when he's been told off and has to have a punishment, for example no tv. Examples of his bad behaviour are calling a little girl bugs bunny because she had prominent teeth (really horrible I know), he said he apologised and feels really guilty about it, but he said it nonetheless and apparently he's now on his last legs at school (can they exclude him for this?). I feel really defeated. I know he will never behave well all the time and I'm just waiting for a phone call to say he's been excluded. I'll be devasted if this happens. I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm not perfect but I'm also a decent mother. I invest a lot in my DS and try to set a good example. I do work full time which I know isn't ideal but I always have. Any tips for being a better mother will be very much taken on board.

I don't think it is ever too late to change behaviour.

I think you are going to have to get him on board though, obviously you are the adult so what you says goes but he is old enough to take ownership of his behaviour and therefore responsibility.

I would start by sitting him down and discussing some sanctions. He can choose from some that really mean something to him like missing TV or losing pocket money.

Then you need to start off with zero tolerance for all bad behaviour. He should get a warning that his behaviour is unacceptable and then if he continues put a sanction in place.

Ignore the shouting and ranting and hopefully he will get the message that you mean what you say.

It won't be easy though and you must remember to praise him when he does the right thing.

Just asking for help means you are a good mum, if you weren't you wouldn't care about his behaviour.

Be strong and good luck.

Oh and I meant to say, tell the school that you are trying a new approach with him and get them on board, then he will know that you are going to work as a team.

Oh and

I am sure you would have said but just wanted to check that he doesn't have any underlying special needs that could cause him to have difficult behaviour.

Thanks. No special needs and he is very bright and pleasant lots of the time. We did a good behaviour chart tonight and we have agreed at least a half hour every night pure one to one quality time which is something that's been missing. I think he had a reputation at school now which will be hard to shake. He simply does not like being told off. He should be used to it by now! Here's hoping for some improvement.

Bugs Bunny name calling is normal for a kid that age. My son was saying the other weekend 'look at that fat boy'. I don't think you've failed, you're quite clearly a good mother by worrying about it and addressing the situation. I find actually cutting out computer games and tv in the morning and lowering the time watching it really helps as it calms mine down. My son also goes to ju-jitsu and that helps with discipline and respect. Also going out more releases more energy.

I find it easier with my kids when my dh is away with work. I'm very calm, tell them what I expect from them and if they are angry or upset take away tv, computer, or bedroom to think about behaviour. The calmer I am, the calmer they are somehow.

Believe you me, I'm not perfect and I cringe what I've been through with my son. We have actually gone to the school requesting he goes onto a behaviour plan with them before they even wanted to talk to us about it so we're all singing from the same hymn sheet. Don't give up though. Make sure you talk to your son and make sure he's happy at
school and he's getting on with his friends. My son has been teased and bullied in the past and that has made his behaviour erratic in the past.

Not sure I have the answer but wanted to say I feel your pain OP. I also have a 9 year old DS who was given a short exclusion in infant school and since then I have never felt totally secure. Always waiting for that phone call to say he has done something really really bad...

A few weeks ago he was in serious trouble late on a Friday and we had the whole weekend to worry about whether he would ultimately be expelled. I think that weekend made him wake up to himself - I spent most of it in tears - and he realised that having to move schools would mean he would not see his friends again. Until that point I think it had been theoretical. Suddenly it was real. He wasn't expelled, and he knows he was very lucky. Since then his behaviour has been much better, and for the first time ever I feel optimistic about his future. Every morning we spend ten minutes before school talking about scenarios that can lead to trouble, and discussing ways of dealing with them. I also know I need to set aside more time to spend with him, talking over school stuff, without any distractions. All this seems to have helped.

It's very easy to blame yourself in a situation like this, and I also feel like a failure as a parent at times. On the other hand DD is the exact opposite - never in trouble, popular, does well at school. They have both been brought up the same way so there must be more to it! Wishing you and DS all the best.

Bucket is this a private school? I can't imagine any school wanting to or being able to exclude a child for name calling ... they would never get away with it. There must have been more serious incidences that have occurred?? You would have also had details in writing surely before now for them to be threatening him with exclusion ... I don't get it

I can't imagine would be excluded for name calling- have you been told that he might be? Or are you just worrying about it?

If you tell us more about the meetings you've had with the school and what's been said and done we might be able to give you some practical help.