Please Help - Struggling With 4 Year Old

[xBeingTheBestMummyICanx]

I?m looking for some help and suggestion on my DD who is 4 years and 5 months. DD has become so huffy, stroppy, bossy, cries over the slightest of things and constantly interrupts when I try to talk to anyone and DH and I are struggling to cope with her. I feel like we are going through the terrible two?s now, as we seemed to get through that age/stage easily.

She is so huffy over the slightest of things, if I give her a telling off, ask her to tidy her room and if she can?t do something herself! She puts her head down and walks about saying she is a silly/stupid girl (which I don?t know where she gets the stupid from, as that is one thing that we NEVER say to her). Sometimes she will even get down on her hands and knees and start crawling around which I really struggle with.

She has become so bossy to DH and myself but is worse with DH. She just says to us go and get this! No, please or thank you. It feels like we have a very spoilt child, which we don?t like.

I can?t talk to people including DH because as soon as I start talking she just interrupts even when asked to wait she will just go on until she is heard and then what she has to say is nothing of any importance it?s just a case of she wanted to be heard!

She cries a lot if she is told off, sometimes it?s not even a telling off but she interprets that way and will cry. Breaks her heart screaming and crying is she wakes up after Daddy has gone to work in the morning.

I feel that at the weekend her behaviour gets worse and her and DH seem to spend most of the weekend bickering at each other which is so frustrating.

Please help a very tired a frustrated Mummy.

Hmmm, first action: time for some boundaries. Whatever's going on, acting up isn't helping resolve it.

So if I were you I would stop her interrupting, for instance, by calmly saying " I am talking to X" and blanking her. You said "she will just go on until she is heard", which translates in child-language as "Mummy is giving in".

You have the choice to put up with it or not, so make that choice as you see fit. Ditto the other stuff. A calm-down step can work for a lot of acting up, altho you need to steel your nerves a bit.

Second action: think about what's happened recently in her life. She may not be happy about something - for instance, is she new to school? Talk to the teachers if so & see what they have to say.

Oh, and if she doesn't produce please or thank you, you don't produce what she wants. You'd be surprised how fast that works....

Has she started school this year then? Could something at school be bothering her?

I would ask her teacher how her behaviour is at school. Is it just at home that she is like this?

What do you do when she interrupts?

Thank you for the replies. DD is in her second year of nursery and does not start school until next August. She loves nursery and is very well behaved there as I asked at the recent parent?s night.

Nothing has changed in her life, which would explain her behaviour. Although, oddly the last few months she has been getting up most nights and appearing in our room but will happily go back to bed when taken. She can never tell us why she has got up/what has woken her. Struggling to try and get her to sleep all night.

I have already tried threats, naughty step and even a reward chart all with little success. They work for a few days then we seem to be back to square one again.

When she interrupts, I will say I?m talking just now please wait, but after a minute, she will start again, so I will say it again but it gets to the stage where whoever I?m talking too will stop talking to allow me to talk to her.

She is quite a clingy little girl when it comes to me. I?m a SAHM so apart from going with my In Laws one afternoon a week on a regular basis she is with me all week. My parents live close by and we can some weeks see them daily but oddly, she is never happy to stay that long and never wants to stay with them alone she always wants me to stay. They are not very good at playing with her etc and tend to just put the TV on so I don?t know if that?s why she is not keen to stay.

Her behaviour is always worse in company and especially at the weekend when DH is about. Sometimes it?s a real struggle for her to even want to do things with him as she always asks for me. When they are together doing things they seem to always end up in a battle about her behaviour.

Does she do the interrupting thing when you are at home with DH? How do you react then? If you stop to listen to her then stop doing this. Even if she stomps and shouts.

I find that the only way to stop attention seeking behaviour (and this is what it seems to be) is to stop giving attention. Which is easier said than done.

Tell her "I am speaking" and turn away. When she keeps going on, tell her, "I am speaking" then "This is the last time, I am speaking". Then ignore. Try this out with someone who knows you are going to do this, and stick to your conversation no matter what your DD does.

Does she sleep wiht a nightlight? Could she perhaps be frightened at night?

Yes, she interrupts whenever DH and I try to speak too. In the house, car anywhere really. I will try telling her we are talking but sometimes because she goes on and on I end up asking her, what she wants which I know is bad. I will try ignoring and turning away. Should I use the naughty step if she continues interrupting even when asked not to two or three times?

She does not sleep with a night light but she does have one that she will sometimes turn on herself. However, we thought that was waking her so we were turning it off but the last week she has not turned it on. We changed her quilt for a bigger one as we thought she was cold and she stopped waking for a few days but it?s started again.

I just feel there is quite a few issues all going on at the same time and I do know that most of them are for attention but it just feels so hard. Also, I feel bad as I feel all I?m doing is telling her off just now.

Try doing the not listening to her when she interrupts. Tell her that is is very rude, and when she goes to school next year she will have to put her hand up and wait for the teacher to allow her to speak.

Be tough for a week. See how that goes.

At the same time, give her more positive attention in some other way.

Ignore the bad. Praise the good.

A lot of people rave about the How to Talk So Children Will Listen book. Might be worth a look?

Sounds like a combination of things ... learning new behaviour at school and challenging authority - quite possibly all aggravated by being tired. If she is having broken sleep every night she is probably very tired.

Have you tried telling her the things she is doing wrong at a time when you are both calm and asking her why she is doing them - see if she understands why she shouldn't be?

I would see if that brings any results and then tell her that there are new rules and every time she does something wrong she gets one warning and then punished/time out etc. That way she knows what to expect.

Yes, we have tried telling her but maybe not at the best times. She will listen for a bit then just change the subject so I guess she does understand. I will try speaking to her at a time when we are all calm.

MmeLindor

Thanks for your replies much appreciated.

I will try what you suggest for a week adn see how things go.

I will also have a look on Amazon for the book as it can't do any harm to read it.

I've found HOW TO TALK SO YOUR KIDS WILL LISTEN and also

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk .

Would it be the first one? Do you know the Author

HOW TO TALK SO YOUR KIDS WILL LISTEN this is only avalible on Kindle but this one - How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is a book.

Help

Oh, will look it up. I have been meaning to order it.

this one

really recommend the how to talk book for this - have a 4 1/2 year old ds - with similar behaviours and it really opened my eyes reading this book.
Until you read it though I would say dont 'ignore' her behaviour - i think that s rude and teaches kids you dont value them - I m not saying pander to their every whim ... but turning your back on them sends a direct message to them they problems etc are not of interest or value to you ....
Yes attention seeking is annoying from a 4 year old - but look at it from her perspective - she s got something urgent and important to tell the most important person in her life .... and when she tugs at your sleeve to tell you she s repeatedly brushed off.... at her age and developmentally - it s difficult for her to prioritise her news.... and yes maybe she needs to realise that mummy and daddy cant just drop everything and come to her aid all the time but she still needs open channels of communication with her parents, after all you do want her to feel she can come to you with the big tinggs especially later on in life.
I think I would do a lot of talking about 'how to interrupt' - My ds learned in montessori to come up to the adult (teacher in the first instance but we ve adopted this at home) and touch her arm and say excuse me ... then wait until the adult finishes or says yes ..... it s a great technique - could you chat with the nursery and see if they have a similar technique or would they be willing to teach that one to the whole group, thing is when they touch your arm you must acknowledge them .... look directly at them and say something eg like ok sarah I know you want my attention but right now I am on the phone and need ti finish my chat with nana, I ll be finished in 10 mins can you wait until then, then I ll hhave time to listen to your story'
Actually - i ve found with my 4 year old the less words I use the better - so something like count to 30 and i m finished then.... also given them a definite end point to wait until - as they realise that you will get to them when you finish your conversation or what ever you re doing then they get more used to it and you can stretch it out a bit.
The other thing I notice is DS attention seeking and whinging and arguing is much worse if he s bored or tired or hungry, I ve also stepped back and let him do more for himself and he s hugely more satisfied with himself - he sets the table for dinner now- does his own shoes and buttons (takes aaages!) but I think the overall sense of achievement and independance has translated into a much happier child that doesnt feel the need to challenge everything he s asked to do as he feels he s got a bit of control back for himself.
Oh and offering choices is a great technique .... do you want to go now or in 5 minutes .... do you want to put your shoes or coat on first etc .....

Get the book ;)
(sorry didnt mean this post to be so long )

Thank you ladies for all your replies and advice it?s been much appreciated and it?s good to know I?m not a long. I?m going to take on board many of your suggestions but first I?m going to order the book recommended and have a good read through it before starting. Something thesevendwarf said I?m guilty off and that is going on and using too many words when trying to talk/tell DD off. I think I need to try to get to the point quicker as I think she gets fed up listening to me so I?m not really getting the point across.

Thank you again for all your help and support. :)