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Original poster

Whining all the way home!

51 replies

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/11/2011 19:58

My DD(5) has always been highly strung. She is lovely and very creative but also controlling, argumentative, and disagrees with most things I say. When she is tired or a little bit poorly she is so much harder to deal with.

I have always had trouble with her on the way to and from school. Mostly on the way home. She whines, moans, complains it's too far, wants to get in the buggy (2yo in there), says her feet her, legs hurt, asks questions that I don't understand and gets very upset when I can't give her the answer she wants, I ask her to explain more but she gets more and more hysterical if I don't understand her. Her and my youngest take it in turns in the buggy as my little one likes to walk so that works fine but she won't get out when it's his turn or gets out but starts crying, starts moaning again and generally being unreasonable. I also get whining voice all the way home.

I take a snack for her to eat on the way home but that doesn't help much.

What complicates matters is that I am not entirely sure if her legs do hurt as there is a possibility that they actually do. Plus she does get very tired due to a health issue. This really confuses it and makes it hard for me to know what to do as I don't want to punish her if she is in pain.

Today their dad picked them up and he is absolutely fuming about the amount of screaming, crying and whinging she did on the way home. He has told her that she is going to lose tv time/toys/favourite things etc is she doesn't stop the behaviour from now on. I had always told him how bad it was but think he has only just realised why I am in such a terrible mood when he gets home each day. I can feel the stress levels rising each time!

I try to be fair but firm and tell her to stop that voice and I won't talk to her until she talks nicely etc. I also have put her on the naughty step as soon as we've got home for it as well and told her she won't be allowed in the buggy if she whines everytime she needs to get out and walk for a while. I also try to ignore it but it's impossible as she gets hysterical, so instead I tell her I will listen when she talks nicely. I am ending up telling her off all the way home and feel close to losing it some days. It makes me so fucking mad!

I just don't know what to do!

OP posts:
StrictlySazz · 25/11/2011 21:39

DD2 (3) has a mini micro and it is very stable and manouverable.

DD1 (5 last week) will still sit in our double buggy and tbh i am happier with her in it than fighting her to make her walk/scooter if she is not in the mood. However we are 1.25 miles from school across a hilly golf course so not the easiest. However i would say if you still have a double, why not go back to it for a bit?

thisisyesterday · 25/11/2011 21:40

ahh mine wouldn't fit then, it's one of the ones that clips onto the back axle, so only works on one with a bar between the back wheels iyswim?

Original poster
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/11/2011 21:41

RandomMess Exactly I think it's a bit of both which makes it so hard to deal with. I remember myself not being listened to as a child and I don't want to do that to her (it wasn't taken seriously when I was in pain). She is very highly strung though and she can be difficult to the point of me wondering if there is an actual problem. It seems so extreme sometimes.

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RandomMess · 25/11/2011 21:45

I think sometimes it's about you sanity. Provided she doesn't dictate every area of your lives there you pick your battles.

I would be feeling murderous if I had tolerate that after school everyday.

I'd consider getting her a mini micro scooter for christmas (does she have any money put away for her?) but I would look at a buggy board too and let the younger one stand on it and her sit. You'll be home in 10 mins and for 3 mins she will be eating her snack!

If she moans about the snack then remove it - warn her about that first, any complaining and it goes in the bin/gets given to sister etc. You need to nip the whining in the bud on some battles IMHO

Original poster
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/11/2011 21:46

RandomMess We tried the little one standing but he was too little to hold on but that was a while ago. I am happy for them to take turns but I know she'll still moan about it (after the first day of the novelty wearing off).

StrictlySazz Because it got too heavy and then jammed/broke and got took to the dump!

thisisyesterday Is it one of those that fit onto the chunkier models? Mine has bits going across the back but they fold up when you collapse it.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 25/11/2011 21:48

ok, changing tack slightly.
assuming double buggy/buggy board is a no-no.

you pick a point about half way between school and home,
the rule is ds sits in the pushchair for the first half. dd sits in for the second half

that way she only has to walk half the way and you can be fairly sure that her legs won't hurt. and if they do it isn't too much further to go. you can also offer to stop and have a short rest if it isn't her turn in the pushchair yet,

that might be easier for her to get her head round. it's a totally fixed rule, there is a definite point where she gets to go in the pushchair and it won't seem so arbitrary to her.,

combine that with some kind of reward chart and you might be onto something.
you could start with getting 5 stickers and she gets a reward when you get home (just a sweet or something) and then you can work up to 10 stickers for a reward.

if she starts whining you just keep repeating "dd, the rule is you get into the pushchair at the post box" (or whatever landmark it is)

RandomMess · 25/11/2011 21:52

ipod could be the answer Grin

Original poster
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/11/2011 21:52

RandomMess She tries to dictate every aspect but I don't allow it. You are right about picking battles and yes I do feel murderous! I have had this since she was tiny. I remember when she was only 9 months old screaming at me in a very angry way that I wasn't as quick getting her snack out of the fridge as she would have liked, and at 2/3 going nuts if I didn't walk the direction down the road that she wanted me too, or if I got the wrong beaker out for her, or if I don't play games the way she wants me too . . . I feel like I am permanently in crazy land!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/11/2011 21:58

thisisyesterday I think I am going to do that. They have always swapped but never at a fixed point so we get the arguing about who has been in the longest. What confuses it a bit is that sometimes they share and one sits on the others lap but I think I will do your suggestion. At the moment I can get her to walk all the way to school and i have been firm about that otherwise we are late with my little one walking. But I will do this for on the way home. Now just have to work out the half way point as she will most definately disagree about where it is!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/11/2011 21:59

RandomMess I have often considered ear plugs!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/11/2011 22:04

Don't tell her it's half way, just say the switching point is x and if you whine before then then you have to walk all the way.

I am evil!

It may be worth looking on ebay for a mamas and papas pliko or P3 pushchair close to you that sells cheap as they have a built in buggy board - a little step on the back.

savoycabbage · 25/11/2011 22:04

Count the steps next time and then work out the swap over point from there.

thisisyesterday · 25/11/2011 22:04

well maybe tomorrow if you look on google maps you can figure out a halfway point together?

ds1 loves google maps (he searches for trains on the traintracks Grin)

you can then identify your halfway point on the way to school on monday and then she'll know where it is for the journey home.

thisisyesterday · 25/11/2011 22:05

it doesn't even matter if it's halfway or not, as long as you are happy with it and she is happy with it.
it just makes it easier to stick with

Original poster
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/11/2011 22:18

Thank you everyone for your suggestions (and for not telling me I'm a terrible parent because my DD won't walk to school!). Will impliment on Monday and will also try to sort out buggy board issue one way or the other. Thanks again!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/11/2011 22:20

remember the mantra, this too will pass...

I'm assuming eventually she will get too embarrased to be seen in the pushchair - certainly before secondary school Smile

WhoseGotMySquirrelsEyebrows · 02/12/2011 16:11

UPDATE

Well it seemed like it would work great and DD was happy with the idea. First day though and my 2yo (3 next week) didn't want to get out of the buggy once we reached the landmark, and he has stayed the same all week with lots of whining and crying. DD has been fine with it.

Today it all went wrong. 2yo does the first half of the home journey in the buggy as I feel it's safer that way. But today he didn't want to get in. I don't want to force him to sit when he's happy to walk, that seems weird. So then DD gets in instead. So we started heading home like that and I told them that today we'd do it the other way around. Half way to the landmark and DD jumped out of the buggy and said that 2yo could get in and then they would swap at the landmark. She had obviously realised she would get longer in the buggy that way! (clever but bloody cheeky). 2yo jumped in the buggy. I tried to say that DD had to stay in until the landmark but that seemed weird to be forcing a 5yo in a buggy! I also explained to 2yo that he wouldn't get long in the buggy if he got in only a quarter of the way home but he wouldn't get out. So 2yo stayed in buggy until the landmark where they have to swap which I stuck to. 2yo hadn't been in the buggy long though so was really unhappy about getting out and was crying and saying he was tired. DD got back in the buggy. 2yo very upset. Not long later I let him sit on DD's lap in the buggy which is something they do sometimes. Usually involves one of them crying they are squashed.

So . . . I completely fucked it up and I'm not even sure how! I tried to stick to the rule but I don't feel I should force them to sit when they want to walk, and if one gets out and then the other gets in what happens then?!

I am sick of this and got quite angry. I don't see any of the other parents having this problem!

thisisyesterday · 02/12/2011 16:19

hmm ok.
i think i'd have said to dd that if they were swapping, and she was having the first half of the journey then that was that. she does the first half.
if she then decides to get out too bad.... that's her choice.

the rule is they get half the journey each.
she can't have his half and then her own half.

they WILL moan and whinge about it, and this is when you just have got to do whatever it takes to ignore it and just keep telling them the same thing.
the rule is halfway each

thisisyesterday · 02/12/2011 16:22

i would also maybe combine this method with a star chart, so she gets a star if she walks instead of going in the buggy, star if she talks instead of whines, star if she doesn't tantrum at all the whole way etc etc

thisisyesterday · 02/12/2011 16:23

it's good that she has been ok with the halfway thing for most of the time though.

overall have you had a slightly less stressful week?

WhoseGotMySquirrelsEyebrows · 02/12/2011 16:29

Slightly, although 2yo has been crying all of his half walking. He's really tired at that time of the day and fell asleep 10 mins after coming through the door today.

^think i'd have said to dd that if they were swapping, and she was having the first half of the journey then that was that. she does the first half.
if she then decides to get out too bad.... that's her choice.^

But what if she gets out and he gets in as happened today? I am fine with telling her that if she gives up her half she can't have his, but if she gives it up and he takes it then what do I do? Do you think I should of just let him stay in the rest of the way home (rather then making them swap at the landmark) and just told her it was tough for getting out? That's what I should of done isn't it! Shit!

WhoseGotMySquirrelsEyebrows · 02/12/2011 16:32

I'm such an idiot. That wasn't fair on 2yo at all!

MerryMarigold · 02/12/2011 16:33

Has she just started Reception? My ds1 was extremely tired at the end of the school day. May be tired. Does she whinge or moan often at other times. Does she moan on the way to school as well (when she is not yet tired). If not, it may genuinely be pain/ tiredness (or habit).

If she is quite moany generally then time to nip it in the bud. There is nothing worse. One of my kids has a tendency to moan and it actually does my head in more than full blown screaming, it is soooo wearing. It's a harsh lesson to learn young, but sometimes even if you ARE tired/ legs hurt, you need to not inflict that on everyone else. Self control is important and I don't think she's too little to learn that. How about she can have 5 moans on the way home, but she needs to stop (learn how to pace the moans) and she is not allowed to moan more than that. Or you start out with 10 smarties and for every moan/ whinge she loses one, so that she has the remainder as a treat.

SummerRain · 02/12/2011 16:35

DS1 is the same age and I'm having exactly the same issue with him.

We live literally across the road from the school, and today I was coming past in the car with ds2 from toddler group so it was easier to stop and get ds1 too, so it really can't be the walking.

He comes out the door smiling and cheerful and as soon as he reaches me it starts.... whining, hysterics, rudeness, shouting.

He was so bad today I walked into the house and told dp to deal with him as I was afraid I was going to lose it..... after a 200m drive!!! He shouldn't even have had enough time to mildly irritate me and he had me on the point of a breakdown!

On your daughter's possible pain issue though..... trust your instincts. DS1 complained constantly about his legs hurting. As it turns out he has hyper mobile joints in his legs resulting in flat feet and has been given insoles. Both the physiotherapist and the lady who assessed him for the insoles said it was very likely he was in pain.

MerryMarigold · 02/12/2011 16:38

Btw, my dd sounds a bit like this. Often I give her 2 choices of something (pants, dresses, sandwiches whatever) and she says, "I can't decide. You decide, mummy." As soon as I have chosen, she chooses the opposite! It's quite funny because I don't think she realises yet that I know she will choose the opposite.