Is tantrumming for half an hour because you've just remembered you don't have your favourite toy normal behaviour for a child of nearly 5?

[ttalloo]

I don't think it is, but I'm at the end of my tether and just want to get some perspective on this.

DS1 threw a tantrum this morning at his grandparents before leaving for school because he remembered he'd left his toy leopard at home. There was no way of getting it because DH and I were on our way to work, so DS1 threw himself on the floor and howled, continued howling on the way to school, and had to be prised, still kicking and screaming, from my MIL by the headmaster, and dragged into the playground.

DS1 does this kind of thing at least once or twice a day when he doesn't get his way about something, or is disappointed, or has to wait, even though we've always made it clear that tantrums aren't the way to get what he wants. If he doesn't throw a tantrum he whinges and whines until I feel like throwing one.

None of his friends of the same age seem to do this, and nothing can get him out of a tantrum once he's in it - we ignore him, give him time out, try to understand - and he doesn't seem to be growing out of it. His brother who has just turned three doesn't throw tantrums like this, so DS1's behaviour seems particularly excessive to me.

Sorry for the long-winded post but I'm beginning to be afraid there's something wrong with him. Or us.

Sounds really draining - is he at school? - maybe ask what his behaviour there is like when he has to wait or looses a game etc, might be that they have some good tips, - also if its not happening at school or with other adults you'll know that he is more than capable of good self-control and is deliberately doing it with you.

He is at school, and I think his behaviour there is better - at least his teacher didn't say anything about it at parents' evening. But I'll ask her the next time I see her.

But if these tantrums are just for us then I don't know how we can encourage him to change his behaviour. Or why he does it because he never gets his way after screaming for what he wants.

I posted something similar about my 5yo the other week. When he goes, he goes and I have a hard time calming him down. Today he's bit me, kicked me, punched me and spat in my face .

Ignoring him works (a bit) but it's hard to ignore when he's trying to hit me.

He's fine for everyone else and behaves at school.

No real solutions for you I'm afraid but you're not alone.

Ummm - are you sure he doesn't get his own way ?

Really really really sure ?

It's just sometimes we can think we have been firm but to the child they have "won".
Do the tantrums sometimes end up with a bit of negotiating ?
"No you can't have a biscuit its' nearly tea time"
Child hears only the "No" - starts tantrum.
Parents ignore, vowing not to give in and say "No you can't have a biscuit its nearly tea time - you can have one after you've eaten your tea....."
Child hears "yes you can have biscuit after tea".

Hi Meglet, has your DS always thrown tantrums and never grown out of them? Or is this something that's come on recently? DS1 has always thrown tantrums, but the frequency and intensity seemed to lessen about a year ago, and then has gradually got worse and worse over the last six months. And he has always enjoyed a good whinge.

R&T, he doesn't get his way with me - but his grandparents will probably promise him anything to get him to stop (not that it works), and DH is a bit spineless too.

Could the tantrums be something to do with the testosterone surge that boys are supposed to go through around the age of 4?

He's always been hard work. His time out's in the house lasted over 30 mins and he would still be going strong. I will confess to giving up on them as I would have work or his sister to deal with and epic time-outs didn't seem to be making any difference.

These days he can pootle about quite happily but once he's upset I am at a loss to calm him down. My only weapon is time out on the back step in the garden, now it's cold it usually works in 5 mins or so. But I don't like the entire street hearing him yelling and can't really do it if it's rainy or snowy.

I'm 'on the case' really. Now he's started reception and I know his anger is all aimed at me I might be able to stop it. Somehow .

Is it possible that in this case he wasn't trying to get his own way so much as genuinely upset? I remembering reading that while some tantrums are about trying to get their own way, sometimes children are just overwhelmed by grief, distress or anger, even over things which don't seem so important to adults. During these tantrums, while you don't 'give in', you can still comfort the child and recognise his disappointment, and try to help him manage those feelings rather than ignoring/ shouting/ pleading with him to stop. I think the book was 'What every parent needs to know'. I think.

Children do seem to work out who they can push the most , what they can get away with when different people are looking after them.

I do say to mine - daddy lets you do this, mummy doesn't, nanny lets you have that when your with her, mummy doesn't etc

Does he have a clear system of consequences for poor behaviour ?
And a system of rewards for good behaviour?

sparklyboots, you make an interesting distinction there about the causes of the tantrums.

This morning DS1 would have been genuinely upset at not having his leopard, and things that should be minor disappointments do seem to assume enormous proportions in his mind. He really does seem to get completely overwhelmed by his emotions. But there is an element of trying to get his own way, in that he wanted his grandfather to drive back to our house to find his leopard, and anyway no amount of understanding and comfort ever seems to get him to calm down. He just wears himself down or gets distracted by something and stops.

R&T, he knows that tantrums are considered bad behaviour, but we don't have a system of rewards or consequences as such. I have wondered whether we should have a chart, so that if he gets through a day without throwing a tantrum he gets a star, and a week of stars will get him a treat. Have you tried that, Meglet?